- 3 months ago
- Wedding: July 2018
For those with narcissist parents, how did you deal with getting married?
My Fiance and I have been together for almost 7 years. When we marry, I will be 25 and him 24 almost 25. We will be married next year and are both extremely happy. We graduate college next year and are already mostly financially indepedent–I still need some help from my Grandma to finish college/medical but all other expenses I pay and do not intend to carry on doing so after I graduate. We have been through and put each other through a lot in those years. Anybody who meets us knows how in sync, in love and completely in this thing called life together. Even those not in favor can see how well we are together. We are not perfect but we are committed and we keep choosing each other every single day. Emotionally, mentally, and mostly financially we are ready for marriage and to announce to our loved ones what we’ve already been doing: building our life together.
We are already a committed couple, paper or not. He is elated. His family is estatic. The issue is the relationships with my family. My heart is breaking on repeat. My Dad will not even hear of it and my mom refuses to go, sure it’s a mistake. My brother is indifferent but he’ll be there if I ask and he gets to bring his friends.
Both of my parents are narcissits who were abused by their parents. My parents married at 19 and are horrible for each other. Each made a plethora of mistakes and are intent on viewing me as extensions of themselves; someone who in their eyes, needs constant managing to not mess up. This does not bode well for just being happy for me or encouraging me to go out on my own in my own way.
My Dad is emotionally and physically abusive. He gaslights constantly. He lacks general empathy, temper issues, sexist, unpredictable, selfish, cruel, superficial..He is obsessed with money, power, and control. He is, I know, greatly insecure. If I try to express my feelings, he dismisses me as “too expressive” or “too sensitive.” He believes I’m just a kid and needs to be controlled. He cannot listen and interupts, telling me to do something his way even now. He is angry towards me because he is afraid I will not pay back money I borrowed from him for school–which I will…this belief is an insult. He has little to no faith in me. I was not the perfect kid, in fact quite the pistol, but his love is very conditional and any hopes for having a good relationship in my adulthood has crumbled to ash. We barely speak now because I refuse to be treated the way I was in my youth. He is easily angered and I cannot stand to be emotionally or mentally abused anymore. I created boundaries such as no cussing or yelling and he resents me for it. I wish we could just agree to disagree but it’s not in him to do so. He reaches out in his own way but quickly tries to control my life again.
My Mom is cruel in her own way. She sacrficed her career/life/happiness for my brother and I, tethering herself to my Dad. She stated “When this all blows back in your face, it’s your problem” and “I have my own life to deal with” and “You’ll regret it” and “You’ve changed so much and I don’t like who you are” among many, many other dagger-like comments. She has physically abused me via kicking, choking, slapping when I was younger…She gaslights as well. She has refused to meet my fiance’s parents. She is a bit of a hermit and is extremely concerned with cleaning her house, her rabbit (I got him for her to keep her from being lonely), tv shows and complaining about all the bad things Dad/life/health issues has done to her. She is also very concerned with not pissing Dad off, because if he is it stresses her out and since she can’t control him she tries to control me. She constantly wants me to do stuff for her. She constantly tries to plant seeds of doubt about my fiance and as I’m writing this I find myself trying to excuse her behavior. Sometimes she seems nice and normal and we share some interests like animal welfare, humanitarian issues or a couple tv shows. But like with my Dad, I wait for the pendulum to swing the other way.
My parents are not all bad. They have their moments. But as I have gotten older and moved out, it’s more difficult for me to play the role of helpful daughter. Actually, I’ve always been the “mess-up” child and my brother the “golden child.” Sometimes these roles reversed temporairily but they’ve fixed like this for awhile. I don’t want to be their therapist or scapegoat or punching bag anymore. Everything is so incredibly negative. But they’re my family and despite their self-absorption, I know they care about me in their own way. I don’t want to cut them off. I only have my parents and indifferent brother as my family. My fiance has a large family and will be there.
I’m not sure I’ll be happy, though. I feel like I’ll be staring at empty seats. Anyone deal with this?