Narcissist Parents and Lack of Family Support in Getting Married

posted 3 months ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
1207 posts
Bumble bee

rosezabeekeeper1224 : That’s sad to hear. I honestly don’t think you can really change people unless they themselves want to change. If you keep expecting them to go out of their usual nature for you, you might get disappointed.

Even if you do not cut them off, I would reflect deeply and think of what negativities you want to avoid. I find that very difficult people often have their triggers. It’s usually the tactic I use for people who I want to limit, but can’t necessarily cut out of my life. If your mother and father disapproves of you life, you can keep plans and such to yourself and stick to lighter topics that they might like, such as food, hobbies, world news or the likes.

In regards to personal things like weddings and future plans, you should talk to them, but only in the perspective of informing them about what goes on. Don’t phrase it in a way that asks for their approval or opinion if you know it’s going to be negative. Sorry if it’s not too much help.

Post # 3
Member
4747 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

rosezabeekeeper1224 :   You may be interested in online support groups – just google search for “daughters of narcissistic mothers”  and “daughters of narcissistic fathers”.  There are excellent suggestions there.  I found the reddit site especially helpful.  

You need to detach emotionally from their words, and cut the information flow to them as much as possible.  It isn’t easy.  Wishing you strength.  *hugs*

Post # 4
Member
2951 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Raisedbynarcissists would be a good avenue for you to look into if you’re looking for others that might share your situation. It’s a reddit subforum for people with parents that have narcissistic personality disorder but people in general with unhealthy family dynamics post there as well.

Other than working through things you’ve been through and are going through with a psychologist, I can’t really recommend much else. You seem to grasp that your parents are abusive and unhealthy. However, you want to keep them in your life and that’s absolutely your choice. It sounds like you know about having boundaries and setting them.

The only thing I caution you with is, if you plan to have children in the future, really examining if keeping these relationships is a safe choice for their wellbeing. So, that may be something to discuss with a professional as mentioned above.

I am estranged from my family. They, too, were not supportive of my wedding or my engagement and I had a toxic and abusive upbringing. It was hard. All I can say is you can’t change them and you won’t get what you need or should from them as parents. All you can do is change yourself, your expectations, and your enviroment accordingly to build a healthy life for yourself. Distance and boundary setting is of course vital as well. You can have an abusive family and of course they can still have good aspects or good moments. However, it doesn’t change the abuse or the cycle of abuse. I would venture to guess that how hard you’re trying to justify them by stressing they aren’t all bad or putting emphasis on how they love is part of coping as it is for many…but your heart wouldn’t be breaking on repeat as you stated if this was a manageable situation for you. Definitely reach out to a psychologist or experienced therapist and make sure you’re giving yourself a lot of self care.

Best wishes to you and congrats on your engagement.

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