- 4 years ago
- Wedding: April 2018
After reading other Narcissistic MOB posts, I am reaching out for help! My also narcissistic mother has made this entire engagement & wedding planning process a nightmare. When my fiancé and I made sure to call my mother first after getting engaged, she was too hungover to care. She didn’t want to hear the details of the proposal and hung up the phone. I had to apologize to my Fiancé for my mother’s lack of enthusiasm. He had spent an amazing amount of time planning the perfect proposal, ensuring I had my dream ring and asking for my father’s permission. And my mother couldn’t have cared less. (Ouch!)
When it comes to wedding planning, I’m very budget conscious and my mother just screams and lectures about how cheap I am when I try to make decisions about any venues or vendors. (Fiancé and I are splitting the cost of the reception with my parents.) We live half way across the country from my mother (for good reason) and are having the wedding back in our home state. It was very important to me for friends and family to easily attend the event. I’ve included both my mother and Future Mother-In-Law in the entire wedding process. I am planning the event from out of state and need all the help I can get! But when my mother offers to hire the caterer she fails to confirm a tasting appointment with the caterer via email and then blames the potential caterer for their lack of oversight. I found out afterwards, my mother purposely didn’t want to use the caterer I had picked because my Fiancé’s family used to be neighbors with the caterers. (Hello, family friend discount!) But my mother didn’t want to use any vendor remotely attached to my fiancé’s family in any way shape or form. (I’ve decided to hire a wedding planner due to this fiasco.)
My mother graciously offered to fly out to our new home, my fiancé and I share, to purchase a wedding gown with my sister and Future Mother-In-Law. However, this all came with a catch. She required that my Future Mother-In-Law only fly in for the last 2 days of the week long trip because I was “her” daughter and not my FMIL’s daughter. I explained to my mother that my Future Mother-In-Law also wanted to spend time her son during this week. So my mother stated my Future Mother-In-Law could fly in for half the week, stay in a hotel, only spend time with her son and could not intrude on my mother’s visit. (My Future Mother-In-Law graciously accepted this arrangement in spite of my mother’s cruelty.) The week leading up to the dress shopping event, my mother threatened me with a “shot gun full of fury” via text if I paid more attention to my Future Mother-In-Law instead of her. The entire dress shopping week she was extremely nasty to my fiancé, even barging into our room at 3am because she was worried about my sister committing suicide. (My sister is not suicidal, she simply stepped out of our apt to call her BF because she couldn’t sleep and didn’t want to disturb others with her phone conversation.)
During bridal appointments my mother was always rude to the boutique associates, calling one place a horrible atrocity and stating to the very nice associate the dresses she had picked looked like train tracks, tin foil and made me look whore-ish. I finally canceled my last consultation because I couldn’t take my mother’s abuse any longer. After I canceled my last appointment we decided to celebrate over lunch that the dress hunt was over. (I was able to buy my dream dress! Yay!!) When my Future Mother-In-Law requested to pay for my meal my mother flipped out calling her selfish and rude and demanded she pay for everyone’s meal. My mother proceeded to tear my Future Mother-In-Law a new one by screaming at her in the middle of the restaurant while my Future Mother-In-Law sat there in shock. After trying to calm my mother down while making sure my Future Mother-In-Law was okay, my poor Future Mother-In-Law ran to the restroom to cry and call her husband to book the first flight out of dodge. (This was the turning point). I placed my Mom in an Uber back to our hotel and took my Future Mother-In-Law to a movie to apologize and escape my mother’s wrath. My mother apologized upon our return to the hotel, but kept in insisting my Future Mother-In-Law was in the wrong. It was clear to everyone; it was a very insincere apology.
Once everyone returned home from the dress shopping trip, I made sure to call my mother to work it out. My mother proceed to yell at me explaining that my Fiance and I were doomed for divorce and that I needed to choose sides. That she is the only human on earth that will love me unconditionally and that once my future husband divorces me, his mother will cast me out of the family as well. (My fiance and I are not doomed for divorce. We’ve been happily in love for over 6 years, living together for 2 years.) We’ve attend the usual pre-marital counsling session, and our counselor was extremely impressed with our strong communication and love for one another. Family members and friends have been begging us to get married for years. This is only my mothers attempt to place herself at the top of the pedistole and ensure that she is the most important person in my entire world.
It’s gotten to the point that I’ve tried to cut my mother out of the wedding planning process entirely. To be fair, I explained to my parents that I can’t accept any money from them because it is attached to only anger, animosity and stress. My Fiancé and I would figure out how to accommodate a wedding that we could afford on our own. My mother of course took this as the biggest insult but did agree to bow out. But only after she demanded she still pay for her half of the reception (so my fiancé’s family “wouldn’t think they were poor.” Verbatim statement from my mother.) and would transfer the money to my bank account. I have no idea what to do at this point because she’s only paying to have a right to complain and treat every one of my fiancé’s family members with hatred. I knew the dress shopping week would be a disaster (and it definitely was) but I’m afraid her only goal is to ruin our wedding day as well.
I would love any advice. I am very fortunate to have an extremely understanding Fiancé and his family members feel for my situation. No matter how rude and condescending my mother is towards their family, they still treat me with only love and respect. My future in-laws continue to show my mother grace and patience and I hate putting them through this torture. I am very lucky to have such wonderful future in-laws and I just want to be the best bride & wife for their son. I am returning home to my parents for the holidays, should I schedule a counseling session for my mother and I? Or would this just add more salt to the wound? Neither Fiance or I want to elope, all we want is to share our memborable day with loved ones. But would it be better to elope than endure my mothers cruelty?