(Closed) Narcissistic Mother & Wedding Planning

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
369 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

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Desilu09:  Your mother sounds a lot like mine.  I had to cut off contact with my mother a little over 2 years ago because I just couldn’t take the crazy anymore.  

I guess if you’re going to keep her in your life, you may have to figure out how to plan around her – do you have a good relationship with your stepmom?  She might be a good stand-in for MOB.  I’m asking the mother and stepmother of two of my bridesmaids to stand in as mother for me.

There’s no real way to reason with a person like her, no matter how you say “this is MY wedding” she will never listen, at least not in my experience.  I’m so sorry this is happening.

Post # 32
Member
59 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2015 - Piedmont Community Church

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Desilu09:  Sending you virtual hugs! I came online just now after a phone call with my mom who seems to be very similar to yours. You’re so not alone. You’re not the crazy one. I wish I had advice for you, but I don’t. I just wanted to let you know that I take comfort in knowing that I’m not alone, and hope that you do, too.

For me, today, it was my mom reopening decisions that have already been made (when/if I’m wearing my Chinese dress during the main wedding day because she has a daughter which means she gets to say what I wear and when regardless of 1. what I want, 2. what Fiance wants, and 3. what my Future Mother-In-Law who is also paying for the wedding wants. Plus she insists on having exactly the number of guests she was promised there – so as anyone RSVPs no, she wants to replace them – regardles of my relationship (or lack thereof) with the person. WHen I said that we weren’t comfortable with having people that we’d never met (or in this case…even heard of!) at the wedding, I was told that she had “bought in enough to be able to invite who she wants without needing to justifiy it.” And, finally, my shoes, because she insists…in pretty much every conversation, that don’t I think that an aquiline pump would just be so much more flattering, especially if just the bit of shoe peeps out, that would be better than toe peeping from a sandal or peep toe. Keep in mind that I’m in my last semester of grad school and need to be finishing final assignments and job searching, but instead, I have spent hours if not days searching for shoes and there are not aquiline pumps that I like or want or can afford that fit into the overall look and that she has not spent any time identifying shoes that she recommends instead. GAHHH! Perhaps because I’m exhausted, I’m taking it hard today – but I’m just so tired of relitigating issues over and over again or what I want (when it’s absolutely within reason – I think) not being considered.

Anyway….it seems like you’re doing the best you can do. I know it hurts and that you want her to change (even though you know she won’t) and that it’s disappointing that she doesn’t. Take care of yourself, do what you can to mitigate and minimize her being disruptive and any hurt to you. 

Post # 33
Member
155 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Sounds just like my dad. My wedding is 20 something days away and he is making it a living hell. I have been sick with worry and guilt because of his behavior.

Post # 34
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868 posts
Busy bee

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Desilu09:  Wow – this is pretty horrendous. 

You need to build some SERIOUS boundries, and the sooner the better. 

My best freind’s mother is a lot like yours – really over the top with how hurtful she can be. I think we have a conversation twice a year about “hey, maybe it’s time for you to remove your mom from your life” and even though my best friend agrees logically, she’s never done it. 

Like past responces say – this is only going to get worse. If you want her at your wedding, I would shut her out of all wedding related conversations between now and then – she has no more say than any other guest and you can tell her that. Agressively shut her out! No qualms about it. Don’t back down. I also think you should be prepared for her to make a scene at the wedding. In which case you need to have a sibling or close friend (or mamybe even your wedding coordinator) be able to remove her. That sounds like a genuine possibility. 

 

Post # 35
Member
1 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: February 2017

I have a NPD mother and of course she is not helping with anything and offers nothing but criticism. I do feel sorry for myself in this situation but it’s better to plan the wedding with supportive people who care. How do I keep her at bay but engaged enough so that she can’t say she was blocked out of wedding planning? I ask about what she is going to wear. It never fails. I get texts and emails of MOB dresses for months. She sends white dresses (lol jerk) and I just say that’s nice…send me some more.. it’s like a cat chaseing it’s tail. 

Post # 36
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: April 2018

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Desilu09 :  We could possibly have the same mother! Since this post was written a few yrs prior, I’d love to know how your beautiful wedding day transpired and ask help for any possibly fiascos I might have to endure regarding our very similar narc mothers.

My mother said the exact same thing to me…”you’ll get divorced soon after the wedding, your perfect in-laws will disown you and choose their son over you. The only person who will ever love you unconditionally is your mother so there’s really no point in getting married.” 

She demanded multiple times that my fiancé and I tell her first once we were engaged. So I obliged and called her first before anyone else. She was so hungover, she literally said she was too tired to talk about it and to call back tomorrow.  

My mother also lives half way across the country, for good reason. (I left as soon as possible!) The problem we have is agreeing for our parents to help pay for the wedding (split 3 ways equally between both sets of parents, plus my fiancé and I). I knew this was a bad idea (I begged to elope, but in the end the we chose to have a wedding. I really hope I don’t regret this decision) so I’ve been putting up with my crazy mother and just trying to keep cool for the last 9 months. Our wedding is in 3 weeks!

We have had the same dress shopping fiasco. My Future Mother-In-Law booked a flight home early she was so offend by my mother’s antics. (I don’t blame my Future Mother-In-Law for this, wished I could’ve hopped on a plane too!) I had to write 3 separate apology letters to Bridal salons afterwards. I called my fiancé so many times crying he was worried I’d pick an ugly & expensive dress just to please my mom instead of buying my much more affordable but dream wedding gown. (I did get my dream dress btw :)) 

The hair trial was worse, the salon actually charged us double because my mother was so horrendous. I didn’t complain when I saw the bill. I knew the up-charge for the additional 3 hrs of my mother’s demands was accurate. I was so embarrassed I chose never to step foot in the blow dry bar again. My second hair trial, I requested to go alone and that my mother could choose her own salon that was up to her standards. This did not go over well. I received a call from my father because my mother was in such a tizzy over the request. My father begged me to apologize for my actions just so she would calm down. From here on out, I’ve been warning all salons and vendors about my mother, apologizing in advance and explaining the best way to handle her. 

In preparations for the big weekend, I’ve also emailed all vendors in which my fiancé and I are paying for their services. (Photographer, DJ, Cake, alcohol & bar tenders, reception venue, reception rentals, salon, hotel accommodations, etc.) I’ve explained that we are paying their bill and to only accept arrangements from my fiancé or I. My rents are paying for flowers, Catering and ceremony venue. (I’ve accepted that these items are out of my control, which is fine since they are paying that part of the bill) So I kindly explained to those vendors that my mother is a giant pill but in the end you have to deal with her. I cannot come to their defense because I need to stay out of the drama. Luckily they understood momzilla situations very well and have really appreciated the warnings. 

Even after all the prep work making sure the big day runs smoothly, it never ceases to amaze the lengths my mom will go to mentally and emotionally drag me down. I’ve received countless texts explaining how horrible of a daughter I am. She even threatened me with “a shot gun full of furry.” I’m in your same shoes, I’ve never said a nasty thing to my mom. I understand she’s unstable so I go out of my way to tip toe around her, speaking to her calmly, nicely and mustering up more patience I never knew I had. Then dealing with the aftermath of my own hurt feelings later on. Luckily my fiancé understands and is the most supportive man, even stepping in to mediate when my mother goes on a tirade during a vendor appointment.  I’m so lucky to be marrying him. I try to make sure he knows how thankful I am for his help throughout this wedding planning nightmare. He is the rock that doesn’t get enough credit. 

But the madness continues. When my sister (MOH) and my mother were visiting my fiancé and I in our home, she barged into our bedroom in the middle of the night screaming that my sister just committed suicide. She hadn’t. My sister simply snuck outside to have a smoke and call her bf so she wouldn’t disturb anyone sleeping. I’ve never seen my fiancé so pissed, but luckily he kept his cool. my mother has not been invited to our home since.

And you’re right, the closer approaching the wedding date, the worse she gets. I just woke up to an email from my mom with a 5 page typed Word doc attached. I glazed over it but short summary: I’m an ungrateful horrible daughter, my fiancé is a piece of work who only manipulates me into hating my mother, and that my wedding will be a disaster because my true evil colors will be shown to all our friends, family & loved ones. She is the purest definition of narcissistic. She’s also a hypochondriac, but that’s a whole other road I won’t torture you with. 

I wake up now from nightmares that my mom will flip out during the ceremony and have a “fainting spell” while being escorted to her seat just to garner attention. She does this stunt often. Luckily my bridal party, friends, family and immediate future in-laws know and witnessed her tricks. But I seriously don’t know how I’m going to keep my cool for the entire 3 days of events! 

We’ve already agreed to cut off my crazy mother once the wedding is over. I’ll always treat my mother with kindness, love and respect. She truly raised me the best person I can possibly be and I’m forever grateful. But she even gets mad when I walk on egg shells around her! She called yesterday just to tell me that I baby her and that it’s demeaning towards her. I literally can do nothing right in her eyes. I’m always the mean, horrible shrew of a daughter no matter if I’m kind, complacent, agreeable or ignorant towards her. 

How did you deal with your mother on your wedding day? Any advice or words of wisdom? 

 

 

 

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