We could possibly have the same mother! Since this post was written a few yrs prior, I’d love to know how your beautiful wedding day transpired and ask help for any possibly fiascos I might have to endure regarding our very similar narc mothers.
My mother said the exact same thing to me…”you’ll get divorced soon after the wedding, your perfect in-laws will disown you and choose their son over you. The only person who will ever love you unconditionally is your mother so there’s really no point in getting married.”
She demanded multiple times that my fiancé and I tell her first once we were engaged. So I obliged and called her first before anyone else. She was so hungover, she literally said she was too tired to talk about it and to call back tomorrow.
My mother also lives half way across the country, for good reason. (I left as soon as possible!) The problem we have is agreeing for our parents to help pay for the wedding (split 3 ways equally between both sets of parents, plus my fiancé and I). I knew this was a bad idea (I begged to elope, but in the end the we chose to have a wedding. I really hope I don’t regret this decision) so I’ve been putting up with my crazy mother and just trying to keep cool for the last 9 months. Our wedding is in 3 weeks!
We have had the same dress shopping fiasco. My Future Mother-In-Law booked a flight home early she was so offend by my mother’s antics. (I don’t blame my Future Mother-In-Law for this, wished I could’ve hopped on a plane too!) I had to write 3 separate apology letters to Bridal salons afterwards. I called my fiancé so many times crying he was worried I’d pick an ugly & expensive dress just to please my mom instead of buying my much more affordable but dream wedding gown. (I did get my dream dress btw :))
The hair trial was worse, the salon actually charged us double because my mother was so horrendous. I didn’t complain when I saw the bill. I knew the up-charge for the additional 3 hrs of my mother’s demands was accurate. I was so embarrassed I chose never to step foot in the blow dry bar again. My second hair trial, I requested to go alone and that my mother could choose her own salon that was up to her standards. This did not go over well. I received a call from my father because my mother was in such a tizzy over the request. My father begged me to apologize for my actions just so she would calm down. From here on out, I’ve been warning all salons and vendors about my mother, apologizing in advance and explaining the best way to handle her.
In preparations for the big weekend, I’ve also emailed all vendors in which my fiancé and I are paying for their services. (Photographer, DJ, Cake, alcohol & bar tenders, reception venue, reception rentals, salon, hotel accommodations, etc.) I’ve explained that we are paying their bill and to only accept arrangements from my fiancé or I. My rents are paying for flowers, Catering and ceremony venue. (I’ve accepted that these items are out of my control, which is fine since they are paying that part of the bill) So I kindly explained to those vendors that my mother is a giant pill but in the end you have to deal with her. I cannot come to their defense because I need to stay out of the drama. Luckily they understood momzilla situations very well and have really appreciated the warnings.
Even after all the prep work making sure the big day runs smoothly, it never ceases to amaze the lengths my mom will go to mentally and emotionally drag me down. I’ve received countless texts explaining how horrible of a daughter I am. She even threatened me with “a shot gun full of furry.” I’m in your same shoes, I’ve never said a nasty thing to my mom. I understand she’s unstable so I go out of my way to tip toe around her, speaking to her calmly, nicely and mustering up more patience I never knew I had. Then dealing with the aftermath of my own hurt feelings later on. Luckily my fiancé understands and is the most supportive man, even stepping in to mediate when my mother goes on a tirade during a vendor appointment. I’m so lucky to be marrying him. I try to make sure he knows how thankful I am for his help throughout this wedding planning nightmare. He is the rock that doesn’t get enough credit.
But the madness continues. When my sister (MOH) and my mother were visiting my fiancé and I in our home, she barged into our bedroom in the middle of the night screaming that my sister just committed suicide. She hadn’t. My sister simply snuck outside to have a smoke and call her bf so she wouldn’t disturb anyone sleeping. I’ve never seen my fiancé so pissed, but luckily he kept his cool. my mother has not been invited to our home since.
And you’re right, the closer approaching the wedding date, the worse she gets. I just woke up to an email from my mom with a 5 page typed Word doc attached. I glazed over it but short summary: I’m an ungrateful horrible daughter, my fiancé is a piece of work who only manipulates me into hating my mother, and that my wedding will be a disaster because my true evil colors will be shown to all our friends, family & loved ones. She is the purest definition of narcissistic. She’s also a hypochondriac, but that’s a whole other road I won’t torture you with.
I wake up now from nightmares that my mom will flip out during the ceremony and have a “fainting spell” while being escorted to her seat just to garner attention. She does this stunt often. Luckily my bridal party, friends, family and immediate future in-laws know and witnessed her tricks. But I seriously don’t know how I’m going to keep my cool for the entire 3 days of events!
We’ve already agreed to cut off my crazy mother once the wedding is over. I’ll always treat my mother with kindness, love and respect. She truly raised me the best person I can possibly be and I’m forever grateful. But she even gets mad when I walk on egg shells around her! She called yesterday just to tell me that I baby her and that it’s demeaning towards her. I literally can do nothing right in her eyes. I’m always the mean, horrible shrew of a daughter no matter if I’m kind, complacent, agreeable or ignorant towards her.
How did you deal with your mother on your wedding day? Any advice or words of wisdom?