Nasty breakup in wedding party…how to deal with +1s?!

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 47
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee

I’m almost always going to be on the opposite side of etiquette, it seems. Given how fresh the breakup is and how close you guys are, I would say neither A nor B should get a +1. It seems like it’s a lot easier just to say “sorry it didn’t work out between you two, we were thinking you’d be a unit and didn’t budget in additional +1’s.”

Honestly, I think the etiquette on this is impossible to be a one-size-fits-all. You know them and how they’ll react better than we could possibly imagine. If you think neither of them having dates would minimize conflict, then that’s the way to go. It’s important that you don’t have to worry about it on your wedding day.

Post # 48
Member
12088 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

wawa92017 :  Well you are in luck. Contrary to popular belief, etiquette does not call for +1s for all adult guests and yes, that includes the wedding party. The only etiquette obligation is for the partners of those married, engaged, or living together. Weddings were historically great places for singles to meet and still can be. 

And even if you were to invite B and +1s for every guest, you are not obliged to include Z unless they are living together. No host is ever we required to give carte blanche on a guest list. In fact, you are supposed to invite guests by name. Just veto Z. 

I wouldn’t invite B, so the point would be moot. 

Post # 49
Member
1183 posts
Bumble bee

MissEloise :  exactly what I was thinking! why would Z even want to come x

Post # 50
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2017

Sheesh all these posts recommending you to favor etiquette at the expense of the emotional well-being of a good friend. Etiquette has it’s place but at what cost?!!?! Personally, I would not want to be responsible for hurting my friend or making her feel worse/slowing her recovery time from a break-up all for the sake of freaking “etiquette.” People are so cold and selfish. 

OP you are on the right track considering not inviting Z. If you want to stick with etiquette just throwing it out there– how long have Z & B even been together?! If B & A have only been broken up for 8 months.. I’m guessing 7 or 6? Not even a year? You don’t have to invite her.. even by etiquette’s standards. I know many couples who wouldn’t/didn’t invite plus ones who had been in a relationship less than a year. So there ya go “etiquette.”

Post # 51
Member
487 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I have never heard or read the word ‘Etiquette’ thrown around as much as on here – Etiquette can sod off, do what’s best for you and for your friend.  Etiquette isn’t the boss of you.

 

Etiquette!!  **** sake even I’m using it more than it deserves.

Post # 53
Member
1815 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I say tell the D-bag not to bring his girlfriend. I know it goes against etiquette,  but you need to consider the following :

the wedding should be about the bride and groom. It sounds like D-bag friend is pretty sociopathic, so likely to do something upsetting at the wedding to get back at A,  then it becomes all about A, B and Z, not the bride and groom. Even if he doesn’t do anything, the bride will be worried about friend A’s happiness and what B might possibly do, so she won’t be able to enjoy her wedding.  

My answer would be to say all BMs and groomsmen can’t bring a +1 unless they are married /engaged /LTR. Then neither B nor A can bring a date. While some drama could still go down, it’s less likely than if Z was there. 

In the past I know I’ve seen a definition of etiquette as something that helps everyone know what’s expected of them in society, and makes everyone happy because everyone is kind to each other. It sounds like in this case, following etiquette (letting B bring Z) would make A, as well as bride and groom, tense and anxious – and if proper etiquette is going to cause heartache and drama, then I think it’s better etiquette to not follow the rules this time. 

Post # 55
Member
232 posts
Helper bee

wawa92017 :  I think in a lot of weddings people simply aren’t invited with a guest simply to save on costs. Surely Ben can be invited without a guest to save Anne’s feelings. 

Post # 56
Member
1910 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

Obviously, I gives no fucks about what is considered “etiquette” when it comes to my friends feelings.  Under no uncertain terms would it be okay for B to bring his girlfriend IMO.  Even though the wedding is for the bride and groom, I wouldn’t want my friend having to endure such triflingness for several hours on my wedding day.  Plus ones aren’t a requirement anyway, B will be okay.

Post # 57
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2017

wawa92017 :  A did leave the relationship, because he was having an emotional affair that she gave him the chance to end and he didn’t. I would consider that him ending the relationship.

I would consider him as ending the relationship too.

Going against the grain here, I think if you don’t want B to bring his GF then your fiance should rescind having him as a groomsman. It sounds like you’re more loyal to A now and want to spare her feelings, so why keep him as a groomsman if it’s going to be drama?

If you still want him as part of the wedding party then he should get a +1.

I definitely feel for A, but she has a lot of mutual friends with her Ex. This isn’t the only wedding or event B is invited to. She won’t have the luxury of avoiding B & Z attending together as time goes on, so either she learns to suck it up when they’re at the same event or she’s going to miss out on upcoming gatherings with your shared friend group.

Post # 59
Member
22 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2017

wawa92017 :  Z has yet to come and I’m not sure she ever will (if not for the weddings). She has no reason to

Good for A that she doesn’t run into him much. Sharing friends with an Ex can be unpleasant for sure.

It looks like Z likely won’t come since her boyfriend’s ex is in the wedding party. She doesn’t know his friends yet and it sounds very awkward way to meet them. For your wedding, it looks like the immediate conflict won’t be an issue.

However, I’m going to counter the idea Z has no reason to ever visit. If she continues dating B he’s going to eventually bring her home to meet his family and his closest friends. That’s to be expected. Fortunately for you and A, that looks like a long way off from now.

I suggest just being honest. Since you still want B as a groomsman he’s presumably close enough to be someone you want standing up with you at the altar. Talk to him and say since the break up with A is still pretty raw you don’t want your wedding to be the trip he introduces Z to the group. You want the focus to be on the wedding so for that reason, you will not extend a plus one invite.

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