Nasty divorce question – can you give me advice?

posted 2 months ago in Legal
Post # 16
Member
7904 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

futuremrss17 :  don’t share anything and don’t stoop to his level. Just get the divorce over and done with and move on. If he’s telling lies about you that impact your employment opportunities have your attorney bring it up with the judge, but slander is very hard to prove. It sounds like he’s telling people you’re in a new relationship….which you are….even though you’re legally still married. Whether the relationship is dead or not isn’t really the issue there. 

Post # 17
Member
7904 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Just wanting to add that I was cheated on and the relationship ended. Obviously he never told his family WHY I dumped him and his mom just saw her poor son so heartbroken and assumed I’m an evil wench. I ran into her years later and she made a comment and I said “listen, it’s not my place to get into it, but your rudeness is uncalled for – you can ask your son why the relationship ended but I can assure you it wasn’t because I wasn’t in love with him” and left it at that. Whether he ever told her the truth isn’t really my concern. 

Post # 18
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Revenge is a dish best served cold.

Post # 19
Member
1097 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I wouldn’t agree to not share anything unless he’s also required to shut his mouth. Ask your lawyer if there’s some option for mutually-assured desctruction. If he slanders you, you’ll let his company know what he was up to using their equipment. But ideally you would move on and cut him and anyone who supports him out of your life.

If there are any friends you want to keep, and you’re afraid they’ll believe him, is there one person in the group you can share the truth with who might be on your side? 

Post # 20
Member
442 posts
Helper bee

I’m so sorry this happened, bee. You should only take legal advice from your lawyer.

That being said, the truth will come to light on its own. It’s fine to defend yourself (i.e. make it clear that you were not unfaithful) but you don’t need to share evidence with others. Confide in your trusted close friends about your pain and hurt, but trying to prove yourself right by showing others your evidence won’t do you any favors in the long run.

He will continue to be a lying, cheating POS in the future, and people will see his pattern of behavior for what it is. It’s not surprising that his own parents would pick his side over yours, but thankfully you’ll never have to deal with them again after your divorce.

Post # 21
Member
1142 posts
Bumble bee

I have no legal advice for you, but what I would recommend? Moving out of the small town where he’s well known and you’re known as “his wife”. 

My ex husband was the controlling type who refused therapy, and we lived in the small town I grew up in. He was known as “my husband”, and while I told very few people (my family and closest friends) why we were divorcing, he gave revenge a shot and was smart enough to give up when him badmouthing me didn’t work. He moved out of the town and on with his life. By far the best solution for all involved. No matter who was in “the right”, people were naturally going to defend me, because they knew me growing up. You’re fighting against a strong current, and I wouldn’t play that game. 

Is your career one you can take elsewhere? Do you have friends or family in another city? A dream location? 

Post # 22
Member
525 posts
Busy bee

Slander is hard to prove but not all cases even go to court. If your lawyer bring a it up to his lawyer at least it might put some pressure on him to quit slandering you. 

Post # 23
Member
4535 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Op, call your lawyer on the phone and seek advice. You don’t have to wait a week until your appointment to discuss this with them.

If his sister and him are posting untruthful stuff and  ranting at you on Facebook, your lawyer might be able to do something regarding slander. As for your MSA, you probably don’t have to agree to your ex husband terms regarding not being able to share anything. Your lawyer will be able to advise you again on this. 

Also, the evidence you have gathered might not hold up to scrutiny. You guessed a password to his accounts. Who is to say that you didn’t create the accounts and post a dick pic as his profile as a plot to discredit him. I’m not for one second saying that’s true but the people who would naturally be more loyal to him than to you, would likely believe his take on the situation. If its a smaller town and they’ve known him for years and your the interloper, whatever you do or say won’t change that loyalty towards him and likely his family. Honestly if his lies are going to cause an issue with your reputation and job prospects, maybe its time to get out of this town and start a life fresh and far away from him and his influence. 

Post # 25
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee

I am not a lawyer and definitely don’t go against anything your lawyer advises, but in my opinion there’s a time to be ‘the bigger person’ and a time to clear the air when someone is persistently attacking in a way that costs you social and work relationships. That is highly detrimental to you, and your silence is making you complicit. People are assuming your husband is correct in his story because they have no other side except what he provides. So provide one. 

I think you should tell your mutual friends what he did. I think you should contact your in-laws and explain to them your side. I think you should share screenshots of his conversations trying to meet up with other women to his parents and to select mutual friends. Get the true story out there, and let them take care of the rest. You don’t need to post it on facebook, you don’t need to tell every single person. Just give some people another side to the story and provide limited proof. He is trying to control the narrative in order to manipulate people into being on his side, which is a form of abuse. He’s trying to bring harm to you, and unfortunately being the bigger person is just giving him what he wants – your life ruined because you stopped putting up with him and giving him control over you. 

Post # 26
Member
1115 posts
Bumble bee

futuremrss17 :  I also want to share that my abusive father did the same thing when he and my mother divorced. She ended up dating someone a few months after they separated, and my dad went scorched earth. He dredged up everything about her and told everyone as ‘proof’ that she was messed up, he manipulated the entire town into thinking my mother was carrying on an affair and had abandoned her children. In reality, he convinced her to leave and get an apt because ‘she couldn’t afford the house payments and he could, and the kids should stay in the house’. It was disgusting, and my mother said nothing because she wanted to be the bigger person. It cost her so, so much. I heard many people say that it must be true because she didn’t refute anything. She just didn’t want to get caught up in his lies and bullshit and thought people would not believe him. Of course, just like your husband, he knew what to tell others about her to get everyone to believe his charming little story. Everyone loves stories, so it spread. 

My mom is still dealing with the repurcussions almost 10 years later. Don’t let this be you. It’s just not worth it. 

I am very, very sorry this is happening to you. 

Post # 27
Member
301 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

Bee,  I am so sorry that you are going through this right now.  I think that you should not engage in mudslinging.  Even if it felt good for the moment, I don’t think it would feel very good in the long run. 

You loved this man.  I understand that you are very hurt.  I understand that you want your name cleared.  I can tell you, though, you have to be able to be proud of who you are and your choices.  At the end of all of this, it would suck to look back and have to regret that you have not behaved in a way of which you can be proud.

Post # 28
Member
1341 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

futuremrss17 :  There’s no pride in keeping his nasty secrets. I think you should tell as many people as possible, and show proof around whenever you can — just always do it in person, don’t text or email anything for now.

The notion that you should keep this information to yourself feels exactly like telling an abused woman she shouldn’t let people see her injuries. Your wounds are emotional but you should no sooner hide them than an abuse victim should wear long sleeves to hide the bruises!

Your asshole husband cheated on you: why on earth would you keep this information to yourself, especially to your social and professional detriment?!

Post # 29
Member
1341 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

futuremrss17 :  Also, when showing around proof I would imply that you have more, because you used to. If word gets back to your husband, he should be thinking that you kept all the evidence. He should be sweating about his professional prospects, just as you are now. This puts you in a much stronger position to get him to STFU and stop slandering you.

Post # 30
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2020 - City, State

I didn’t read all of the comments because I just wanted to say that what Jill says about Sally says more about Jill than of Sally, you know? I have dated guys that really dragged me through the mud after the breakup. I lost most of my “friends” and so on. BUT- people like that ALWAYS get what is coming to them, and even if it takes a long time, people will see him for who he is and will feel foolish for believing such a fake person. If you’re not from that town, I would just move. Fresh start, new faces, he can’t ruin your life if he can’t find you. Also, wtf is that guy doing in CHURCH?

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