(Closed) Nasty, hurtful emails from a family member…please help me to respond!

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 33
1009 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@Loupyloo:  Don’t feed the troll grandma. While you do have the best intentions I’m sure, as the last grandchild, to maintain contact, obviously it’s not enough for her. Think of it like this: Trying to appease her is like trying to feed a lioness. You aren’t ensuring that she won’t eat you, at best she might eat you last. Ultimately it’s not going to end well, no matter what you say to her. She is, on some level, probably VERY aware of her own behavior, but obviously chooses to play martyr/victim rather than take responsibility for her actions. Take the high road and don’t bother responding.

As for the knitted gift, finish it and consider donating it to a more deserving relative, or to someone that needs it. 🙂


Post # 34
1263 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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@Loupyloo:  Here’s my personal thing. I like to not let jerks get away with stuff. They have gone through a life of people letting them do that, and have and will be awful people because of it. I don’t think it is nice to not confront them, because you are just letting them continue in a path of people despising them.

So I generally try to confront people, because even if they don’t change, they should know that their behaviour is awful, and that people think so. They should not be able to stomp on others and make them feel terrible and stressed without feeling any stress themselves.


But, it is a very stressful thing to do. And you’re right, probably not what you especially need right now. If you want to contront her, just break contact for now (I would definitely not respond in the few days – like you said, she’ll just have gotten her way again and be on an even higher power trip) and then once you are more recovered, send her an email that is polite but very direct. That would be the Arabbel way, anyhow, hahaha. Best of luck, whatever you choose! And I hope your recovery is going well and very speedy. 🙂


Post # 35
5789 posts
Bee Keeper

Whose parent is she? Have you told them what happened and asked them about what or how to respond and did they have any suggestions?

In the second email she sent you said she lambasted ‘the younger generation’, and not you, specifically? Your assumption is that it is thinly veiled and directed at you, but maybe she was just sounding off in frustration simply because you ARE the only one she has?

You’ve remained close to her for a reason, and even if you can’t really explain why, I’m sure her words hurt more than they would from somebody you had no relationshp with. Is this worth ending it over? At 80, she is never going to change, but you can change how you respond to her by deciding how mportant she really is to you. Don’t care? Say whatever you want. Care a little? Respond accordingly. Care a lot? Let it go.

Post # 36
2703 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Honestly, I’d probably call her out on it.  I have no problem calling my family out when they do stupid and mean things.

“I’m sorry you feel I haven’t contacted you enough.  As you know I’m recovering from heart surgery and while I’m trying my best, I have been very tired lately and am only able to do so much.  I appreciate you asking if I’m feeling better, but I do not appreciate how you used it to disquise how disappointed you were with me and the “younger generation” for not being in better contact.  I would have expected you to be me more understanding.

Don’t get me wrong, I am truely sorry to hear about your friend and I hope he makes a speedy recovery.  As someone who is also recovering, I can sympathize with him and your situation.

However, you last emails have been wildy inappropriate.  I have apologized for not meeting your expectations and have been nothing but polite to you and all you have done is insult me.  Not only have you called me rude on several occasions, but you haven’t contacted me to see how I am feeling.  The latter is actually very hurtful.

Once again, I wish nothing but the best for you and your friend.  But I will not longer be replying to any rude, hurtful, or disrespectful emails.

Love, LoupLoo”


Post # 37
80 posts
Worker bee

Don’t get mad at grandma, ignore her rants. What’s the harm in giving her the gift. She may not have lots of birthdays left.

Post # 38
2597 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@Loupyloo:  How about responding in kind?

Dear Grandma –

I hope you can forgive me for not writing more often.  I do understand your dissapointment with the younger generation.  I often feel similarly about the older generation when they hold my generation to standards that they don’t follow themselves.    

I’m sure it was the trauma over your friends hopital stay that caused you not to check up on me after my heart surgery so I completely understood when I didn’t hear from you.  Although I was in the hospital for X days before your friend became ill, I’m sure there must have been something equally awful going on for you to have neglected to contact me. 

I will make more of an effort to be considerate of your circumstances but please bear with me as I am still recovering from my own heart surgery.  In turn I will look forward to your calls to check on my own recovery. 




Post # 41
4494 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I never feel that being related to someone excuses poor behavior. Honestly I hold friends and relatives to a higher standard, so things like this would make me even more upset.

Honestly if it were me I would tell her she is being ridiculous, but it seems that most people like to avoid confrontation so that probably isn’t a popular choice lol. I don’t go looking for a fight, but I’m sorry, if someone is going to insist on being outwardly rude then I am not just going to sit there. My grandmother sounds a lot like yours. Always wanting all of the attention, always wanting people to feel sorry for her, etc. A lot of the reason that it continues is because people play into it and give her what she wants.

Post # 43
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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@Loupyloo:  re: the gift – I would give it to her.  Your heart and intention was in the right place when you started the gift.  If you can still give it to her gladly (with no expectations from her) then I would proceed.

Post # 45
1123 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I am very close with my Grandmother, my other Grandmother I was even closer with but sadly we lost her about 7 months ago (I’m still getting over this). I think a lot can be learned from the grandparents generation. 

That being said, if it were my and my Grandmother would have sent an email like that (and she does talk to us like this but not through email. Heck she’s called me a “Hussy” for going out with my boyfriend (who is now my husband)) I would have responded nicely but explained to her how that email made me feel and I’d love to stay close to her because I appreciate what I could learn from her and I appreciate where she’s come from but to keep the relationship good and to keep me from being pushed away I’d appreciate it if she would speak more respectfully toward me.

I greatly value my Grandparents, even though I only have one left now.

And here I go getting all emotional over the Grandmother I just lost a few months ago, she was an amazing woman.

Post # 46
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

@ThreeMeers and @Zhabeego either of these! couldn’t have said it better!

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