(Closed) Natural Disasters, Accidents, Oh My – Husband Trouble

posted 5 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
4437 posts
Honey bee

I can definitely see both sides to this. He is behaving quite poorly, but having ILs (especially if they are so “physically intrusive” and needy as you say) can be very hard and frustrating. You say you’ve tried to talk to him about this but he is just furious, how did the talk go? Do you have an end date in sight? I get that your mom broke her dominant arm, but can’t do laundry or help cook? What about your dad? If you are planning on having kids this could also come up again, so I think its important that your husband do some thinking on why he is so bothered about this. You dont want him resenting your kids because they take so much attention off of him. 

If this were me, I would plan a weekend away ASAP. You are exhausted being a parent to your parent AND to your husband, and your husband is feeling neglected. I think you need some time just the two of you. Its not going to solve everything, but it might chill both of you out enough to continue the conversation with calmer heads.

Post # 4
Member
4437 posts
Honey bee

hope1981 :  That all makes sense! Maybe when your husband is getting snippy he can go to their house and help out? Instead of just complaining he can actually DO something to help get them out faster lol. That will also give him more time with your dad, and if he likes him hopefully thats ok. 

If you have an end date in sight (or even just your vacation) I would just focus on that for now. What a shitty situation, I’m sure you guys can get through it.

Post # 5
Member
143 posts
Blushing bee

OP, I’m so sorry for this. This sucks. I can kinda see your husband’s side a little bit because it sucks to have house guests for an extended period of time. But the way he is handling it is not ok. This is family, and you guys are married now, so its his family too. If this is the way he is now, you guys may want to eventually have a conversation about what your future plans are, for both of your parents. Where I come from, it is not unusual for parents to eventually move in with their kids when they can’t live alone anymore. My grandparents lived with my family for nearly 10 years when I was growing up. And this is only a small fraction of that.

I like jellybellynelly’s suggestion about having your husband get out of the house more, if you can! Maybe also let your mom know that talking to him all the time isn’t helping like she thinks it is, and is actually making it worse, and he needs more space? Maybe see if she has a friend who can take her out for dinner or something occasionally?

Post # 6
Member
9130 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

hope1981 :  

You mentioned his lack of empathy, which is concerning.  Has he demonstrated this in other situations?  Empathy is one of those things you either have or you don’t. It can’t be installed as an add on.

Post # 7
Member
1884 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

I find your husband’s lack of empathy disturbing.  I went down to Houston to volunteer demoing inside horses after the hurricane and the devastation was so sad.  I really felt for the homeowners who literally lost everything. We were helping clear out homes filled with all the objects that make house a home and I couldn’t imagine losing so much in one fell swoop. It sucks.  I’m sorry your parents are going through this.  Some senior centers will pick up and drop off.  Maybe your mom would be happier if she had the chance to get out more.  I’m sure she’s going a bit stir crazy. 

Post # 8
Member
2633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012 - Southern California

While your parents situation is truly awful and I commend you for stepping up, I think it’s also important to acknolwedge your husband’s feelings.

I was in your husband’s shoes (intrusive ILs staying with us for a month or so at a time) and it so so uncomfortable! I’m glad to hear that you have a vacation planned for just the two of you, that should hopefully help ease the tension and open lines of communication just between you two. In the meantime though, I would really try to make your husband a priority.

Also, maybe make mention to your mother that you’re feeling overwhelmed and ask how she can help (within her ability obviously). You shouldn’t have to be doing everything when you have 3-4 mostly capable adults in one household.

Post # 11
Member
422 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

hope1981 :  I am so sorry you and your family are going through a tough time right now!  I hope that it gets better soon!

For what it’s worth, I completely diagree with PP.  When you and your husband married, you became family.  That means that your parents became his family as well.  I am shocked at how callous and unempathetic he is toward your mom.  His treatment of her and you should be a serious moment of reflection for you and your relationship.  Partners should support each other through tough times, and he should be bending over backwards to help you and your parents (his family!) get through it, not make the situation worse.

You sounds like a wonderful, caring person (and daughter) and you and your parents deserve more from your husband.

Post # 12
Member
1255 posts
Bumble bee

Hi bee,

I’m so terribly sorry that you’re pinned in the middle like this.  While I understand that it’s difficult having your in-laws in your home, your husband’s reaction is really troublesome!  He definitely needs to be more understanding.  Your parents were displaced! Your mother is injured!  Your parents gave you life, provided for you, and raised you to be the amazing, loving, adaptable daughter that you are and you taking them in is a testament of your gratitude for them! It’s really shocking to me that your husband isn’t more sensitive to this.  Throwing it in your face that his family would never be in this position because they have money???  That is so rude! He has no place to comment on your parents’ financial standing!

I think you would feel better and be less emotional if you stood up to him and put your foot down. He needs to understand that this is the kind of stuff that gets done for family when they’re in need and that you have an expectation of him, as your husband, to be understanding and welcoming to those in need.  Especially family!  

Post # 14
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I am not close with my parents and hate house guests that stay for more than a week, but I even find your husbands behavior very concerning.  I think you really need to have a discussion with him.  It is understandable that he doesn’t like the situation and is struggling with it, but he needs to step up and try harder.  At the very least he needs to help support you more.  Does he understand how much it is impacting and stressing you out?  You say that you cried to him about it, but did it seem like he listened or understood?  What will happen if you have kids?  Or if your parents need care when they are older?  

Post # 15
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: March 2018

First off I want to say that I am so sorry your parents are going thru this! My parents house flooded and they lost a lot during Harvey as well. They were pretty much in the same situation as your parents, no flood insurance, displaced for several months, lost everything on the first floor etc. They stayed with us the entire time they were displaced, until they could get back into their house to live out of the upstairs while the downstairs was gutted and renovated. My husband (fiance at the time) never once complained about them being there or how hard it was for him (which is ridiculous for him to even say considering what your parents have gone through.) I really feel for you because I know exactly how you feel having to see your parents struggle through this difficult time. I think it’s incredibly selfish of your husband to put this added stress on you. He needs to realize that they want to be back in their own house more than he can even imagine. I agree that you need to have a conversation with him about this. He needs to realize that not only is he being incredibly selfish and rude, but he is also adding more stress to you. Having your parents there is a temporary situation, not permanent. He needs to realize that, suck it up and try harder. 

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