Post # 16
rak32098 : Yes, he knows I’m just not myself at all. Even though I don’t have to do as much for her as she’s starting to heal, I’m just under so much stress. And he knows this, but it’s like he’ll be fine for a few days and then he’ll just get upset about it again and be very cold.
isch: Sorry to hear you’ve exerienced it as well. And yes, that’s how I feel! Oh, poor you. They’ve lost everything they owned and now my mom has suffered a major accident and surgery. No matter how much I say it, it’s like he can’t make himself realize it isn’t permanent. And honestly, if it were just me and my parents, sure I’d get annoyed with her sometimes, but it wouldn’t be nearly as difficult as it is now.
I messaged him earlier and just told him, yet again, that I’m doing my best. He called me and apologized and just said he misses time with just me. So I’m going to try to parcel out some time each evening with just him. I’m just overwhelmed and having a really difficult time with all of this, in part because I just feel so bad for my parents. My dad retired two weeks before Harvey, and it just breaks my heart what they’re dealing with.
Post # 17
hope1981 : hmm, so if the senior center is out, maybe she can someone volunteering that doesn’t require her to move her arm? My mom is 60 now and she has never been to a senior center either, but she’s also still working so she’d sort of be forced to leave the house. Is there any bus service she can take? Or maybe a new hobby to give her something more to do during the day like puzzles or writing a novel(one handed)
I know I can’t understand what you are going through as the main caregiver. That sounds so stressful with the different loyalties pulling in different directions.
Fi and I also have different relationships with our parents. He’s not as close to his and I talk to mine multiple times a week and like them as people too. Fi joked that he’d let his parents move in with us only if we moved out and got an apartment. Hopefully it never gets to that point.
Before we got engaged and while we were talking about future plans, I did tell him seriously that I’m the oldest daughter in my family and my expectation is that I’ll care for them when they become elderly. That includes the possibility that one or more may move in with us at some point. Actually, this is a conversation we all had as a family and youngest sister wants them to stay with her part of the year. IDK if all families talk about the future like this, but my parents have been pretty upfront about their plans after retirement, including their will and funeral arrangements.
Post # 18
anabolina : Yes, when all this first happened we talked a bit, but we’re about to have some serious conversations about elder care. My brother lives away and has not had to deal with any of this, but my sister and I have. So we want to talk to him about equity in care, as this has been really trying and straining for all of us.
Post # 19
Oh Bee, this is really tough. The thing that concerns me the most is that he seems resentful of what you’re doing to help your mom. She is seriously injured and needs a lot of help to recover. Your dad is away trying to expedite the moving process. Husband’s not doing any of the helping, so why is he reacting this way? He’s mad at you for helping her, but takes it out on both of you? This is not okay.
Please get yourself to some counseling. Not because there’s anything wrong but because you have been through a lot these past few months. Caregiver burnout is real. Right now you are not only caring for your displaced parents and injured mom, but also for your tantruming husband and young marriage. You need a break and some help, too.
Post # 20
I think you two need a date night. Not at home, but away from home, doing something just for the two of you. You need it and so does he. Enjoy a nice meal, a glass of wine or two, recharge and rekindle. You’re in a tough spot right now, and I feel for you. But I can also see where your husband is coming from you.
Communicate it to your mom and dad so your dad can arrange to be with your mom while you’re out with your husband. Best wishes to all of you.
Post # 21
I’d keep your parents and kick your husband out. He’s going to be annoyed that you’re taking care of your mother who broke bones and was displaced due to a hurricane? And held it against them that they’re not rich like his parents? Bye.
Post # 22
I haven’t read all the comments, but seriously? Your parents lost their HOME and then your mom had an accident and your husband is pissed he has to share you?! There are times in life where you just have to suck it up, because loved ones are important. I don’t see his side at all, and if he wants things to be easier, he should help you. I’m guessing you are on the verge of tears because of he stress, as that’s what happens to me too. I’m sorry, but I’d give him a good verbal thrashing. If he grew up with a cold mom who lacks empathy, I imagine the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.
Post # 23
I’m truly sorry you are in such a difficult situation. I feel this is reflecting very poorly on your husband’s character. Your parents are obviously in crisis, and he resents them for it. How selfish. I foresee a long road ahead. You have empathy, and he does not. Can I ask how long you two have known each other?
Post # 24
hope1981 : Wow. Really sorry you’re in this situation, bee. I can understand why you’d be exhausted.
While I can somewhat understand a smidgen of your husband’s frustration, I’m really upset for you that it’s as big of an issue as it is, and that it’s being expressed so directly towards you and your parents. Not cool, hubby.
I’m afraid I don’t have any helpful advice. I just wanted to say that I think you’re doing an amazing job and your parents are lucky to have your support through what must be such a trying time for them. I’m sorry you’re getting pulled in so many directions, but make sure you take some time to practice self care – whatever that may mean for you. Thinking of you!
Post # 25
hope1981 : Is your husband by chance an introvert or an “extroverted” introvert (just generally meaning does he “recharge” by being alone or being just with you)? I am an extroverted introvert – I put on an extroverted front during the day and then I am eff-ing exhausted from it when I get home. I need to be alone or with just my husband and I need to have control over my own space or I get emotionally drained over time.
Like your husband, my family wasn’t as close or loving growing up – that coupled with my need to recharge alone and I could see myself acting atypically or in a way I would be ashamed of later if I were in the situation you guys are in and didn’t take an active role in preventing myself from getting to that point. Objectively, I would want to be there for family and I would likely (like your husband) be 100% in at the beginning because I am an empathetic person, I love my husband and his family, and I would want to provide support however we could. *However*, as time went on, I would probably become emotionally wasted with no outlet for just being alone or having control over my own space and life. I could see this clouding my natural empathy over time. Your mom sounds lovely, but someone wanting to talk to me all the time would just make it 100 times worse.
Before allowing the current lack of empathy to hurt your view of your husband, it might be worth considering if it could be something related to his own mental health needs even if he is not aware of it. I think we do a diservice by assuming all people can just “suck it up” and handle things like this when it may be genuinely directly affecting their ability to move through life in a healthy head space – the reality is that it’s easier for some people than others regardless of your natural level of empathy or desire to support your spouse or family. Even if your husband isn’t an obvious introvert (I just use that as a general category because it’s simple), it still could be related to the way he recharges. I’m not at all trying to say he should get a pass on his crappy behavior, just that he may need to take a little more of an active roll in self-awareness and planning for his own needs to be able to support you better – you should not have to be the adult for him, but it could benefit you if he were more self-aware and able to better identify and articulate coping strategies that he needs.
I’m not sure what the solution would be given that you said the house is small so there’s not much opportunity for separation, but maybe knowing the root of the problem would help you and your husband deal with it better and help you feel better about how you will feel about him after this is all over. I also like the idea you already mentioned of setting aside some time for just the two of you.
Post # 26
Good luck to you as you navigate this challenging time and big ups to you (and your siblings) for stepping up and taking care of your parents as you’ve been doing. If I were your mom, I’d be feeling pretty good about the kids I raised.
As for your husband- He is being an ass and I would have long since thoroughly told him off. His behavior is absolutely unacceptable. I like PPs idea of sending him to go help your dad with the house but I would be pissed about even needing to come up with that suggestion- why hasn’t he found ways to be helpful on his own!? You have enough to deal with without him acting like a big ass fucking baby. Your parents didn’t blow their own home down and your mom didn’t break her arm to get a nice vacation at Baby Girl Resort, and just because his ex-wife’s parents were intrusive is no reason to act an ass while you’re just trying to help your folks until they get back into their home. He’s not only not helping, he’s making a challenging situation harder which is so not okay. Even if he would prefer not to have them around, he could, at the very least, have some concern for not making things harder on YOU.
He is out of line and needs a boot to the ass.
Post # 27
I feel for you OP my husband is not close with his dad but I am close wih my parents so I would hope he would suck it up if something like this happened to my parents.
I don’t really like house guests either but this was two genuine, horrible circumstances and getting angry and passive agressive is so not helpful to anyone.
The part that I woukd hate is where he brings up that your parents aren’t rich. That is a low blow and quite rude. My parents don’t have much money either but at least they are always there for me and i’d rather that than rich, uncaring parents.
Post # 28
I think a lot of PPs are being very unfair on your husband. To all of you who said he was selfish and lacking in empathy, try and imagine for a minute how you would feel if you lived in a small house and had your in-laws staying for a month and a half, then just as you thought you were getting your house back, your Mother-In-Law had an accident and they all moved back in for weeks?
You would probably be very full of sympathy for them and want to be kind and at the same time feel like you couldn’t handle house-guests for that amount of time.. especially if your Mother-In-Law was also getting lonely and relying on your for chit-chat and emotional support. I know I would! I’d feel sorry for Mother-In-Law but also feel like I was going mad having her around for that amount of time and like I couldn’t see an end in sight. I might also (unfairly) feel resentful that they didn’t have money to pay for a hotel (even though I would know in my heart that it was unreasonable for me to feel that way), hence the unpleasant comment about money.
I can totally see your husband’s point of view.. he comes home from work, wants to relax and has Mother-In-Law up in his face being nice and chatty, so he probably feels like a horrible person for just wanting to hang out in his living room with his wife in peace without house-guests, he probably feels guilty for feeling that way but at the same time with houseguests there comes a point where you just can’t handle it. I’m sure all of you feel terribly sorry for all the people living in warzones, but would you move a whole group of them into your house? Maybe, out of an act of kindness, but after a few weeks, you would no doubt selfishly feel like you need to re-claim your life.
To the PPs saying you become family with your in-laws when you marry… on paper, yes. In reality? Not so much.. how many of you truly view your in-laws as family in the same way as your own parents? Not many I expect… you care for and respect your in-laws because they’re your husband’s parents, but you don’t feel comfortable around them in the same way as you do around your parents.
In this situation, I’d put my husband’s feelings first.. he’s clearly struggling to stay pleasant while feeling irritable and desperately needs to re-charge and have some time without guests in his home. If at all possible I’d pay for Mom and Dad to spend a couple of nights a week in a hotel or talk to sister about them going there again for a couple of weeks and then coming back to your place. Basically I think you need to ackowledge not only how your parents are feeling (which you are doing) but also how your husband is feeling (which I don’t think you’re doing) – you married him, after all, not your parents.. and figure out a way to give him a break at least a couple nights a week. He clearly needs it for his own sanity and no, I dont’ think that makes him a terrible person.
Post # 29
amanda3334455 : this is a temporary living situation when her parents are in a time of need…not a forever living arrangement. He needs to get a grip and be an adult. Shit happens.
Post # 30
newbee592 : I know it’s temporary, and he’s not telling OP her parents need to move out, what he’s doing is doing his best to cope with it and clearly failing, because he either doesn’t get on with OP’s parents well enough (which he may not care to admit if there’s no good reason for it), or he’s too much of a natural introvert to deal appropriately with having chatty people up in his space for weeks on end.. or both.. he’s clearly apologetic and doing his best to deal with the situation but can’t help getting irritable at having his personal home-space invaded. What else is he supposed to do.. he’s not telling OP to move her parents out and his apologising when his irritability gets the better of him. If you have advice at how to not get irritated by having certain people around for extended periods of time, I would love to hear it 😀