Navigating a Break Up

posted 2 years ago in 20 Something
Post # 16
Member
603 posts
Busy bee

You can definitely tell him it’s not working out and end the conversation there. You’ve tried talking to him before, so it’s not like you aren’t giving him a chance. It’s not going to be fun, but like others said, there’s no easy way to do this. Get it over with and you’ll feel so much better. 

Post # 17
Member
2346 posts
Buzzing bee

I remember your previous thread about this guy. He is incredibly immature and manipulative, and I am SO glad you have chosen to be strong and to leave. 

I’m going to post my previous advice here, because coffecakez has pretty much covered the logistical breaking up advice:

Relationships aren’t tit for tat. He’s score-keeping. He’s trying to “win.”

I was trying to be nice before. But now I’ll just say it – your boyfriend is selfish and manipulative. 

Dh cooks for me just about every night of the week. He doesn’t think that entitles him to anything in return. He does it because he enjoys it and because it makes him feel good to “provide” for me in that way. 

When I don’t want to have sex, or don’t want to get up and walk the dogs in the morning, he doesn’t say “well I cooked for you!” I can’t imagine how exhausting and confusing a life like that would be. 

Neither of us has ever ever, in the 3 years of our relationship, used this reasoning against each other. If I want to join him in something, I do. If I don’t I don’t, and he doesn’t try to guilt me over it, use something nice he did for me as a bargaining chip, or otherwise manipulate me. 

Your boyfriend is a tool. There’s a reason he’s dating someone 6 years younger than him. All the women his own age won’t put up with his nonsense.

(I similarly dated a guy 5 years older than me when I was in my early 20’s. In hindsight, I now see why he was such an “eligible bachelor.” He was an emotionally abusive asshole.)

ETA: 

1) Look back over your relationship – I bet you’ll start to see other reasons why you suddenly “started to feel depressed” other than just the fact you weren’t running anymore.

2) Selfish, manipulative people HATE when their victims (narcissistic supply) start to find happiness and joy via anything OTHER than themselves. Because if the victim/supply can find happiness elsewhere, then the manipulative person doesn’t have a monopoly on their victim/supply feeling happiness, hence they have less control over them.

This is why selfish, manipulative people will never be “supportive.” Because they see the hobbies/activites that bring you joy as a threat, and as competition. They resent the fact that you are finding happiness and fulfillment outside them. They become petulant children. They throw temper tantrums. Their narcissism increases and their manipulation attemps ramp up. 

I think you are currently experiencing one of these temper tantrums and the attendant manipulation tactics. 

The calling you every hour, the pleading, the seeming inability to live without you… all of that is just more manipulation tactics. It also reaffirms for you how he makes every single thing about himself and how it affects HIM instead of considering your mindset and how his actions are affecting YOU. I would NEVER pull that shit on someone trying to break up with me. If they want to break up, then clearly they are not happy. And if you truly love them, their happiness would be front and center in your mind, not your own. 

I agree with the advice to do EVERYTHING you need to do first, then break up with him. It doesn’t need to be a whole sit down talk. You’ve already tried that (and much else besides) and he just shows his ass. So you don’t owe him a grand exchange.

Move everything out that you can without him noticing, change all the accounts/passwords, then take a day off work, pack everything that’s left while he’s at work, move them to your new place, be waiting for him when he gets home (if you TRULY want to do this face to face), notify him of the breakup, then leave. 

Post # 18
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee

My first serious relationship in my early 20s was like this too. We’d fight and he’d treat me poorly so I’d break it off. But then he’d beg and plead and tell me I was his world and he would change etc. etc. So I’d take him back because I felt bad and because he must clearly love me so much. And then NOTHING would actually change and we’d go through the whole cycle again.

The thing is, if he really wanted this to work, and he really wanted you to be happy – he would work on solving the problems in your relationship. Not just manipulate you into putting up with it for longer whenever you start running out of patience.

Stop feeling sorry for him. Tell him you can’t put up with the conflict anymore (no need to explain, he must know why by now) and go to your parents. Don’t even let him plead with you – turn off your phone and give it time. 

 

Post # 19
Member
1710 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Agree with a pp. Move out while he’s working. Don’t take anything that isn’t yours, and don’t leave anything you want. 

Then either leave a note and explain yourself fully with no added hope, or talk to him. Be firm, decided, no hope though. Nothing to cling to.  

If you are worried about caving, block his number and don’t tell him where you are going. 

Then embrace the pain fully. You’ll remember the good times, you’ll miss him, you’ll be lonely. You will question the decision. You might even fear being alone for forever. But allow yourself to feel it, but don’t take that as a sign you made a mistake. Take it as the first steps toward a better future.

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