- 6 years ago
- Wedding: August 2016
Hi Everyone! I’m a long time lurker but a newbie poster and I am hoping you can help me with a dilemma. I wasn’t sure which forum would be best for this post but I figured since I am waiting I should post it in the waiting forum.
First a little relationship background:
I am going to be 30 in December. My SO turned 33 in May. We have been dating for a year and a half and marriage/kids/etc. has been coming up more and more. We have very open communication and we both know that we will be engaged within the next 6 months. I am technically “waiting” but not really; I am fine with whatever timetable he has in his head because he knows my parameters and is very respectful of them (e.g. if he wants kids- which he does, as do I- I want to be done having them by 35 and I want to be married before we TTC, etc.). We are financially stable so I know that the “waiting” is based on his desire to plan everything out and surprise me and not financially motivated.
He is honestly the best man I’ve ever known. Everyone who sees us together knows that this is THE ONE and we so comfortable with each other that I wake up every day grateful to have him in my life.
Here is Friendship background:
I have a best friend who I have known since we were 12. We grew up together and stayed close even when I moved out of state for school and then when I decided to stay out of state permanently. She is so sweet and a super talented artist, I couldn’t’ ask for a more amazing and loyal friend. We have always been there for each other through crappy relationships, family issues, etc. and I would never want to hurt her. But the flip side of that is she isn’t happy with her life at this point.
We are the same age but she lacks self-confidence (even though she is an AMAZING woman!), so her life choices haven’t provided her with a lifestyle she is secure in/comfortable with. She works at a job where she is under appreciated, kept at less than full time, and not provided any benefits or a wage that would allow her to buy a home anytime soon. She has been with her boyfriend for 11 years but due to some legal obstacles they haven’t gotten married and will not be able to in the foreseeable future. She is dissatisfied with all of these things and feels like a failure, and no matter what I say she continues to feel this way.
For the last few years she has become adamant that she wants a wedding. A lavish, all-out affair and I am guessing it is because she thinks it will prove to certain people (such as her mom) and society in general, that she is an adult. I have never wanted a wedding; if my SO would let me I would prefer to get married in Vegas by a fat Elvis impersonator. Unfortunately, he is more traditional and wants decent sized wedding and I want to give him what he wants so that is what we will probably end up having.
I know that my friend will not be getting engaged or married anytime soon due to situations beyond her control and I worry about hurting her feelings when SO and I announce our engagement. I know she will be over the moon thrilled for me and would never show any jealousy but I also know she will feel very hurt and down on herself since she has been with her boyfriend for so much longer. I considered just letting her known nonchalantly but my family (who she is very close to) says that she would feel left out and hurt if she wasn’t a part of the big announcement to the group. I am honestly at a loss for how to include her yet keep from hurting her.
I think if SO and I did elope to Vegas and do a low-key ceremony, the situation would be a lot easier on my friend since it wouldn’t be such a big deal. But I doubt we’ll do that. He comes from a small town where his family knows everyone and has lots of friends from his grad school days that he would want to invite. Plus his mom would be very sad if we didn’t have a “real” wedding. So, we’ll be doing the traditional wedding stuff and I of course would want to include my friend in everything.
I realize this could turn into a recurring issue down the road as SO and I continue to hit relationship “milestones” such as having kids, buying another home, etc. but for now I just want to tackle the engagement/wedding issue. I’ll cross the other bridges when I get to them.
So what do you think Bees? Do I include her with everything and hope she doesn’t feel bad or do I try to buffer things to try and help her cope?