(Closed) Navigating Friendships With Engagement News

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
161 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

I wouldn’t worry.  Your friend will be a little envious that they arne’t engaged yet but if she is a good friend she wont show any resentment to you or your partner.  Also chances are she has her own thing going on and even though she is ready to get married and hit those milestones too if she is content in her relationship with her partner it probably wont really phase her.

I just found out my maid of honor is pregnant, and at first I was a little sad because the week before my Fiance and I found out we are struggling with infertility, and the sadness lastest about 30 minutes and then I just seemed to overcome those feelings and began crazily planning all of these baby showers and exciting things I am going to do for her and her cute little bundle of preciousness.  So I think in the same way she might feel wishful and sad for a little while that her partner and her aren’t engaged yet but if she is a good friend she will be excited for you and it wont be a problem in the end.  Anyways, once one friend gets engaged it seems to spark some kind of pattern in relationships around them hahaha

Post # 3
Member
336 posts
Helper bee

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spoilerssweetie:  

I think that while it’s very sweet you’re trying to be considerate of her feelings, you could also accidentally make her feel weird about it all and like a charity case that needs to be sheltered and pitied because she doesn’t have what you have, and no one wants to feel that way around their best friend.

Include her and let her come to you if she feels uncomfortable or upset by anything, and then just listen and be understanding when and if she does.

My best friend got engaged like 2 weeks after my S/O and I had a “hiccup” and were broken-up, and she was scared to tell me too and I thought that was the funniest (but also the dumbest) thing because I was over the moon for her and had known that this was the guy for her for a long, long time. S/O and I are back together now and happier than ever, but at the time it was really good for me to be happy for my friend because I’ve had a front-row seat for the ups & downs in her life and seeing her so happy only reminded me that my day too would come.

Good luck and congrats in advance, OP!

Post # 4
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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spoilerssweetie:  wow, you’re an incredibly thoughtful and selfless friend! it’s wonderful that you are so considerate of her feelings.

however, i don’t mean to be blunt–but you shouldn’t have to put a damper on your happiness and milestones just because your friend isn’t at those steps yet. it almost seems like she is dragging you down in some aspects…you sound mature, confident, and know where your life is going = why should you be penalized for that? it’s not your fault you have your life together. if anything, your friend should see your lifestyle and try to get her life on the same path as yours.

in a nutshell, don’t feel bad. if she’s a true friend, she will be happy for you, regardless of where her own life is at the moment. 

Post # 5
Member
2758 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

Good friends are happy for their friends, even when their friends get something that they want very much and can’t have. For example, my best friend ended up successful in a field I had tried and failed at. I am so proud of her. It never occurred to me to be “resentful” of her for accomplishing something I couldn’t, even though I’m dissatisfied with my job. 

I’d be more sad/angry if I was your bestie since age 12, single (since some cultures, including mine, believe it’s bad luck to have a married bridesmaid) and not asked to be in the wedding party. Like seriously butthurt. So not only would I include her in the announcement, I would consider including her in the wedding as well. 

Post # 6
Member
5304 posts
Bee Keeper

I agree with much of the advice here- be considerate of your friend but don’t be so overly concerned that she feels pitied or that you feel guilty planning this very special time in your life. Good friends are genuinely happy for others- and you telling her your happy news like an apology will only make her feel pitied. Even if you did elope to Vegas, it wouldn’t change or improve her own situation one iota. The key is to find that happy medium balance between being a supportive and encouraging friend to her and enjoying this special time in your own life, I think it’s totally do-able. And she’ll likely be happy to be included in your wedding planning, even if it makes her a bit quietly envious. Two of my best friends are recently engaged and planning a wedding & I’m in the wedding party and already talking behind the scenes to help plan a Stag & Stag party-  even though I’ve been having some issues in my own relationship- & it’s still fun & heartwarming & something I’m anticipating. Don’t be afraid to let your happiness show- happiness can be contagious 🙂

Post # 7
Member
2633 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

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spoilerssweetie: It is unfortunate what is happening to your friend, BUT if she is a real friend she will be happy for you despite any kind of negative feelings she has because you have all of the things she wants and she won’t let it affect her relationship with you. If she does, then that is not someone you should want hanging around you.

You have to live your life and don’t let someone elses problems affect your happiness and your plans.

You can be sensitive to her feelings by not making a huuuuge deal about it around her or constantly talking about things so she doesnt feel like it’s being rubbed in her face, but I also don’t think you should be walking on eggshells.

  • This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by MissJulianna.
Post # 8
Member
242 posts
Helper bee

A few years back now I attended a wedding where one of the bridesmaids was the bride’s sister.  Just before the wedding the bridesmaid’s SO had packed up and left her.  Oh, they also had a tiny baby!  I think at the time he would have been literally about 12 weeks old, or thereabouts.

Essentially, an absolute nightmare situation.

Nonetheless, she stayed on as a bridesmaid (I assume she may not have done any real bridesmaids duties in the lead up though, given the baby alone let alone the split up).

She gave a speech, she was the last to go of the night.  To be honest I thought she would cry the whole way through.  But she was AMAZING and it remains the best wedding speech I’ve ever heard.  There was not a dry eye in the house – but not sad tears, happy tears.  She showed so much grace and love towards her sister (who was bawling the whole way through, despite having been cool as a cucumber up until then).  She said that her sister’s happiness had come at the very best possible time in her life, as it reminded her of all the good and beauty in the world.  She threw a few quotes in there about resilience through adversity and told her sister that together they would make it through anything.

I was blown away.  The point being, people often do not react how everyone expects, and sometimes life (and those closest to you) can surprise you.

Sorry this may be a little off track, but my advice is, include her 100%.

Post # 9
Member
293 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I’ve sort of been on both sides of this. 

I am 27 and my fiance and I were together almost 10 years before we got engaged. Seeing other people get engaged hurt me. Yes, it’s somewhat petty in hindsight, but it sucked. I wondered why we weren’t getting engaged and why so many people who were together for far less time were getting engaged when we weren’t. So, I suppose I’ve been in the position of your friend and definitely understand what, to be honest, having a close friend getting engaged first would be sort of crappy! However… you said they can’t get married due to legal issues. So I’m guessing she knows they might get married or would want to get married. She isn’t jsut waiting forever without any type of confirmation that he does want to marry her.

On the other side of things… after I got engaged, my younger sister sent out a tweet that was pretty self-pittying saying her sister is engaged and she has no degree, lives at home, doesn’t have a good job and is single. It obviously made me feel a bit awkward because she never expressed that concern to me but instead wrote it on twitter. It sort of hurt knowing she wasn’t fully happy for me, but I guess I can understand why.

In either case you should definitely tell your friend your good news when it happens and don’t hold back. You have a right to be excited about it. You can also ask her to be involved in the wedding because if she’s such a close friend, you probably both want that. However just know and expect that she might not be AS EXCITED as if she was engaged or married too. As happy as she might be for you, it’s normal to experience feelings of jealousy or saddness. Clearly you are understanding of her feelings so I really don’t think you’ll do anything to hurt or offend her. 

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