Post # 1
First of all, I’m happy to be in the category of waiting (after enduring years of single life!). Secondly, I’m 37 and feel so fortunate the stars aligned for my SO (who is 30) and I to meet…nearly two years ago. So here’s my ‘waiting’ story. We have discussed marriage and children numerous times (he asked my thoughts on both topics on our first and second date!). Earlier this summer, he asked my parents permission and told me afterwards. He asked me to pick out a ring (saving for it is a non-issue…plus I’m not a diamond girl, so I chose a plain band). We’ve even discussed a small wedding with immediate family only since most our friends are long distance (and I’d rather skip the wedding planning stage in favor of just being married). Last month, he asked me for 3 dates – engagement, wedding and trying for a baby. My response was – the engagement should up to him and when he feels ready in his heart; a Labor Day wedding (this year) would be nice since it would allow us to spend the long weekend with our families; I’d prefer to start trying to conceive by the time I turn 38 mid-November. I’ve also made him aware of infertility rates at 35 vs 40. So it’s now mid-August…and I accept the fact that a Labor Day wedding isn’t happening (and I even took the last week of August off work!), but now I’m frustrated over two factors: 1) wondering what’s keeping him from proposing and how much longer he’ll wait, and 2) worried that if we don’t move forward, and if trying for a baby takes longer than we thought, I may resent him someday for waiting so long to propose.
Sigh. On my best days, I keep it in perspective and think, ‘what’s the different in a few months?’ and believe things will happen when they happen…and I know it does no good to worry. On my challenging days, I am sensitive to anyone who is engaged or pregnant, anxious (which makes me get horrible rashes!), and spend far too much time googling everything related to ‘waiting for a proposal’ (hence the reason I found my way here – thank goodness!!).
Anyone else in their late 30’s who plans to have children in the waiting & worried boat with me?
Post # 3
I’m almost 36 (and waiting) and while I have two children of my own, I’d absolutely love to have a child with my SO. So, I know how you feel – it does add to the anxiety of waiting when there’s the added concern of having a healthy pregnancy, healthy baby… One thing that has helped me is to focus on people that I know who have had healthy pregnancies after 35 and even 40. Then I feel better about it for a bit 🙂
But yeah, I’m in the worried boat with you!
Post # 4
I’m about to turn 32 and my SO is also 7 years younger than I am! We’ve discussed fertility and that we both want to start trying by the time I am 35 at the latest, and want to be married for a while before that.
To be honest, sometimes it does worry me that I am having to wait to try, but I have to consider his needs as well and our position as a couple.
Did he agree to the Labor Day wedding? What did he say when you shared your timeline with him? If he seemed open to it I might bring it up again.
Post # 5
Hey lady!! I just turned 38, no kids and we are planning to try next summer. If you don’t conceive before me we can be TTC buddies lol!!
Even if he takes a few extra months you will still be ahead of me in the TTC game so you can’t stress out because then I will have to 😉
He sounds like a thoughtful guy, I bet he is planning something, just nt when you think – maybe TG or Christmas?
Post # 6
It doesn’t sound like your SO is being very fair. He asked you for three dates and isn’t sticking to them, even though he knows you’re on an extremely tight timeline. Have you expressed your concerns and asked him why he isn’t sticking to the timeline you agreed? Did you actually agree a timeline, or did you just express a desire for those dates which he didn’t actually agree to?
I’m guessing it has something to do with his age, and possibly feeling rushed? At 30 a lot of guys don’t want to rush into having kids, and obviously you’re on a tight timeline. At his age he could date a woman of 25 and have all the time in the world to have kids – do you think anything like this might be running through his mind? Could he be having second thoughts about committing to a woman who he’d have to rush into having kids with? It just seems to me like if he was totally committed to your relationship he’d be on board with your timeline and willing to have kids asap before it’s too late.
If you were younger I might recommend backing off a little and giving him more time, or even leaving the relationship completely and finding someone who actually wants commitment on the same timeline. Unfortunately at your age this isn’t an option. I’m being totally honest here, and I know this won’t be a popular suggestion – but if I was 38 and wanted a baby with a man who wasn’t in a rush to commit, I’d have an “oops” and get pregnant accidentally on purpose. The best scenario is if the pregnancy encourages him to make a commitment, and even in the worst case scenario I’d still have a baby and the father would have to provide financial support.
Post # 7
I’d just try to be as patient as you can be, be as nice to him as you can be (I don’t mean ridiculously so, but don’t make him question whether he wants to marry you if you start acting like a nutcase because you’re so eager for him to propose). I am trying that plan lol.
If a proposal doesn’t happen in the next 6 months, I’d have a serious chat with him. Yeah the clock is ticking, but many older women have healthy babies. My mom had me at 36, and my sister at 40, and there weren’t any fertility drugs or complications. I know it’s hard, but try to be optimistic if you can. Stressing won’t make anything easier. Good luck, and I hope to see a ‘we’re engaged!!!!’ update from you soon 🙂
Post # 8
that is tough!! have you thought about bringing it up on labor day?? it will probably be the elephant in the room. although maybe he’s going to propose on labor day…it’s possible that he felt too rushed trying to get everything ready for a proposal in time for a labor day wedding if the conversation was last month? i really would not see the harm in you asking him about it after labor day. in the most relaxed way possible so he does not feel pressure to ruin any “surprise” he has planned.
Post # 9
I can relate! I am in the same age range, SO is 9 years older but I have told him that I want to be knocked up AFTER we’re married, and I have x amount of years before the kitchen is closed! I know he realizes this, so he’d better get hopping since I do want at least a year or two of married life with just us before kids come into the picture. Argh!
Post # 10
I’m 31 and my SO is 38. He’s only wanting 1 kid because by the time we’re married and start trying, he’ll be 40, which he thinks is too old. 🙁 I’m sad. Wish I could stop time. Or wish we’d had met earlier in life.
Post # 11
Okay, I’m going to be very blunt: for all intents and purposes you are OUT of time if you want a baby. Do not let him dictate the terms of the actual engagement. Not if you want children any time soon.
By telling to to propose when it “feels right in his heart” will get you nowhere. You are on the edge of a steep fertility cliff and about to fall off. And do NOT pay attention to people who tell you, “Well my friend had a baby when she was 45. Don’t worry!”
Start worrying because yes, there are women who conceive in their 40s but not many. And after age 42 the doctor will start talking donor egg.
That all said, if you want him, take charge here. Stamp your foot literally and figuratively. And do it NOW. Much luck and baby dust:)
Post # 12
I agree with the poster above. It is much harder at 38 or later to conceive. Of course it happens, but it happens less and there are likely to be more complications or for it to take much longer. I would definitely explain that to him now and not wait. Your fertility clock is pounding and he needs to know this! (I know all about infertility at 34, chances of conceiving by age, etc. because I just had to undergo IVF in January) 37-38 yrs old is when the biggest decline happens with regards to the quality of eggs. Talk to him now! Good luck!
Post # 13
@PutABirdOnIt: I agree with this. The OP needs to talk with her SO and figure out where his head is at re: the relationship. If he’s not on board it’s time for her to start thinking about what her options are. Either she’s willing to wait for him to decide he really wants her, or she can leave to find someone who does.
Post # 14
oh, the loudly ticking clock. im only 31, SO is 37. im literally DYING to have a baby!!! he is a slow mover, so im worried that ill be in this same position in a few years.
one thought….but do you NEED to be married before getting pregnant??? a wedding can happen anytime, but your fertility timing only lasts so long (not be a debbie downer or anyting….)
Post # 15
Yup I have to agree with a few posters before. At this point you need to move from having a “goal” to making an “action” plan. Men don’t see timelines the way we do mostly because they don’t have that biological clock ticking. SO and I had the same discussion 5 years ago. Time came and went by and no engagement, no kids. I was seriously ready to start TTC when I was 33 but I “waited” until he was ready. Finally we had a talk and I told him that while I loved him and wanted to spend my life with him, mariage and having a child were not negociable. I told him that I would never force him to do something he didn’t want to but that I wouldn’t wait anymore. Just because he didn’t want to marry or have any more children (he has 2 grown kids) didn’t make him a bad man, it just made him the wrong man for me. Well that seem to wake him up. He proposed just a few weeks later (turns out when we had the discussion he had already started shopping for a ring).
However, when we started TTC we find out that we both have fertility issues. Issues that could have been diagnosed 4 years ago if I had listened to myself and not waited. In the last year I needed two surgeries and now at 36, I have to “wait” some more until the doctor clears me for IVF.
My advice is if you are ready, then SO needs to get on board or you need to move on.
Hugs and all my best to you!
Post # 16
@goodgenie: Just wanted to say good luck with IVF! It sounds like you and I have similar stories. I had to have a few surgeries (one major), as well, and then IVF. It worked for us in January and we’re expecting our son in 7 weeks. Let me know if you have any questions!