Nearly 4 years, Is it the end of the road??…please help!

posted 9 months ago in Intimacy
Post # 2
571 posts
Busy bee

Would you consider couples counseling? I think it could at the very least help with the communication issue 

Post # 3
1928 posts
Buzzing bee

Leave! This isn’t fair to either of you. You’re only 27 – that’s young! Plenty of time to start fresh. Would you rather stay in this dead end relationship for years and then leave later? It will only get harder the longer you wait. 

Unlike PP, I don’t see this as something you can resolve through counseling. You have literally excused yourself to the bathroom to CRY multiple times? That tells me that this isn’t run of the mill “We’ve lost the spark” stuff. There are clearly deeper issues here, to the point that intimacy with him repulses you so much that you go to pieces. I think individual counseling is a great idea to figure out why you have stayed for so long, but I don’t see any amount of counseling salvaging this relationship. 

I also want to add that it sounds like your primary motivator for staying in this relationship is the fear of starting over. That’s never a good reason to stay. I know starting over seems daunting and will require shaking up your life majorly, but the benefits you can reap by doing so are also major. I think you know that this relationship is over but don’t want to leave because you don’t think you’ll find someone as kind and loving who is also a sexual match. You’re settling out of fear and that’s not fair to either one of you. He deserves someone who desires him, and you deserve someone you desire. You CAN find that, but it involves ripping off the bandaid and leaving this relationship. 

Post # 4
3695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

ladyinred29 :  I think you need to be honest with yourself about how important of a role sex is to you in a relationship. sounds like it’s pretty up there…in which case, you need to end it. if the chemistry isn’t there, you’ll be miserable and you’ll probably end up cheating one day when that furnace is suddenly stoked again. i know ending this and starting over is tough…but you’re young!!! my last relationship before meeting Darling Husband *started* at 27, ended at 28. i met Darling Husband at 29, and married him at 32. when you’re with the right person, YOU KNOW. you’re all in, and there are no doubts. for both of your sakes, do the hard thing now while it’s the easiest time to.

Post # 5
1823 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

For women in general, it’s important to feel intimacy / closeness in other parts of your relationship before you feel that way in bed. Do you have that? Is he loving and affectionate to you? Does he make you feel safe and loved and doted on?

When you say you have breakdowns “about how unhappy you are”, what do you mean? That you’re unhappy that your sexual life is lacking and you don’t feel sexual towards him, or are you unhappy in other realms of your relationship?

I second couples counseling. My exhusband and I got divorced over various reasons, but this was a big part of it – I eventually was not attracted sexually to him at all and it was quite damaging to our relationship. (There’s only so long you can live like roommates before the one who DOES want to have a sexual relationship starts feeling neglected, rejected, etc.) We should have gone to counseling to fix some of the issues that were causing me those feelings. 

And ultimately, sometimes the sexual chemistry between two people is just not there. There’s nothing you can do about that. You might ponder if that’s the case with you two, since you’ve never really had that super hot sexy time. When that’s the case, I think those two people are not suited as well for each other. 

Post # 6
8854 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

I think staying is unfair to both of you. Love is never enough to make a relationship work. There are so many other important factors and sex is definitely one of those.

Also, 27 is young. A lot of people are single at 27, it’s nothing to be afraid of. And fear is an awful reason to stay in a relationship anyway.

If you really want to stay and try to make it work then couples counseling is a must. This has been a problem for 4 years so clearly the two of you need an outside perspective if anything is going to change.

Post # 8
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Is this an issue of you don’t want to have sex with him-or at all, with anyone? Like one PP mentioned, it is harder for some women to enjoy sex if you don’t already feel loved and close to him. Is that the case? Is he normally affectionate and loving towards you?

Post # 9
502 posts
Busy bee

Commenting to follow. Im kind of also in the “living like roommates” situation. So far good advice and perspective from everyone.

Post # 10
1239 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2020

My Fiance and I have also been dating 4+ years and also had sex at 2 months in! (We were virgins prior to this tho, hence why it took a little longer). However, that’s where the similarities end. While certain times are better than others, I still want to and initiate sex with him all the time and never have cried afterward.

I can’t even wrap my head around crying after sex unless something went drastically wrong. When did this start happening? I know you say you haven’t always felt amazing about the sex, but when did you start crying? Did you ever tell him/have him notice??

I do think couples therapy, and perhaps more specifically sex therapy could help you understand why you feel this way. I’m not sure it can save your relationship though.

Best of luck~

Post # 11
482 posts
Helper bee

I left someone for a very similar reason. We were together for 9 years. We lived together and had a cat. We were best friends and I loved him very much, I had lost a lot of attraction toward him. I think it came from his lack of ambition and his disorganization. As we grew older together these things became more important. It was hard to be attracted to someone who is unemployed and plays video games all day and doesn’t seem motivated to change that. 

I was 27 when I left him. It was really painful and hard to explain to him, and to a lot of people who asked what happened. Nobody saw it coming because we were so happy. We were just not PARTNERS. That was the easiest way to explain it. He was a great boyfriend, but we weren’t partners and at our age and after that amount of time we should have been. 

I dated an asshole after that for a short while and then was single for a bit. I learned to love it. Now I am with a fantastic man. He makes me laugh as much as my ex did, but we have different inside jokes. He wants all the same things that I want and he goes out of his way to take care of me, even though I don’t need to be taken care of. I am incredibly attracted to him just based on personality and connection alone. 

From what you’ve written I think you know what you need to do, but you are afraid to actually do that. I understand. I called my Mom in tears a few days before I ended things with my ex. As soon as I was in her car driving away from the home I shared with him though I felt a huge sense of relief. 

Post # 12
246 posts
Helper bee

Would you rather start over and find someone you’re much more sexually compatible with, or stay in a sexless relationship for the rest of your life? Yes it’s scary to think about starting over, but you’re crying after you have sex and making excuses to avoid it. That’s probably not a better alternative in the long run. 


Post # 13
525 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

ladyinred29 :  OK 1st off, I didn’t even start dating my Darling Husband until I was 27, so while I get it, please don’t let that play any factor in your decision.  Except that, at any age, we should all be aware of our time and try not to “waste” it on the wrong path.

2nd, listen to your body! As humans we have this instinctual drive, and ability to know what is good for us.  If you physically feel an aversion rather than an attraction, why try to force it?  You’re missing out on one of the AWESOME parts of love and relationships, that desire and excitement.

Last, I’m not sure if you’re on any hormonal BC, but If you really love him and want to make it work, maybe try to get off of it.  BC can really mess with your system and natural drive.  You might find that by getting off of it for a few months, you slowly start to feel differently towards him.

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