(Closed) Nearly called off our wedding because of stags night (two weeks out)…

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I am a little sick and nervous at the same time this will happen with my Fiance and I dnt condone it either, I am sure we will have a similar talk to what you guys had. I haven’t been through this but have been through a pretty similar situation with my Fiance. He was one the road working and make a stupid mistake of going out with a female friend and all her female friends and ended up getting hammered that night and in his drunken stupor kissed a girl, even if only for a second. He called me bright and early the next day telling me all about it, crying and saying sorry but I was so so hurt and disgusted. I never thought he would do something like that to me and I was sick to my stomach about it and had no desire to talk to him for about a week. It was so painful though and I am so sorry you are feeling anything similar to that. I certainly hope it all works out for the best. One thing to keep in mind is, do you think something like this will ever happen again? I took a step back and thought about it and was convinced it wouldnt. Fiance even cut back his drinking a lot and only goes out with his brother and male friends now because he doesnt want to upset me. But if you in ur heart think this was a one time deal and you truly love this guy maybe he deserves a get out of jail free card. When I was dealing with that situation my dad said something that stuck with me and it was “these are the times you develop a strong love for each other, a kind that only evolves by having to go through the good times and the bad times together”

Post # 4
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I can completely understand why you would be upset – you agreed on boundaries as a couple and he broke the trust between you by stepping over those boundaries.

 

You mention being a Christian couple – is there perhaps someone you could approach as a couple to discuss the situation with (an older non-judgmental couple at the church, the person marrying you, etc)?

 

Once you make a for-sure decision about your relationship, commit to that decision.  If you forgive him and plan on moving forward with the wedding, consider the wedding a clean slate for both of you.  Come to a resolution about this one evening and move forward with your lives together (if that’s the decision).  Look at your Fiance holistically – is this behavior typical of him, does it define who he is, etc.

Post # 5
Member
2532 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Miss Velveteen – I totally understand you!! My Fiance is actually in Miami for the next 2 nights for a bachelor partyand I got really sick to my stomach thinking about the things that could possibly go on. As the time got closer I was distancing myself from him because I just didnt feel right. Then I kept thinking about it and realized that things happen and that as long as may Fiance does not put his hands or lips on another woman, then I think I will be okay. I also told him he has to tell me exactly what went on and I know he is honest with me so he will. It is definitely going to feel like someone punched me in the stomach if he ends up getting a lap dance, BUT at the same time I have been with him while he was getting a lap dance before and he was SO uncomfortable because thats just how he is!!! Im sure that yourFI didnt mean any harm by his actions and he was honest and he sounds truly sorry. If you love him enough to want to spend your life with him, I think you can make it through this…..that’s what a marriage is all about, getting through the harder times and still not wanting to be with anyone else!

Post # 6
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

My Fiance got back today from his bachelor party.  We had gone over ground rules before he left, his friends asked me about strippers and I said it was ok because I thought they meant going to a club, which I don’t love but whatever.  Well, they had two strippers come to the house they rented.  My Fiance told me everything and said he was uncomfortable the whole time, but these girls took his shirt off and were rubbing against him and he did nothing to stop it.  It makes me sick.  I feel like he totally crossed the line and I am hurt.  I am also angry at his friends who told me that they didn’t want to “disrespect” me, but somehow thought skin to skin contact was acceptable.   Seriously? 

Sorry to jump on someone else’s thread but I’m sitting up because I can’t sleep and can’t stop thinking about it.  I trust my guy and believe that it was stupid and meaningless, it’s not a deal breaker for us, but it’s going to take some getting over.  I also don’t know if I should say something to his friends who arranged everything.

I guess the bottom line to remember is that our men love us and boys are stupid and when they get together they totally regress.  Ugh. So frustrating.

Post # 7
Member
2195 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

I can’t believe that strip clubs continue to be a “tradition” of bachelor parties when it leaves so many fiancées sick, upset, angry, and feeling betrayed.  It just does not make sense to me.  I am in the same boat as the rest of you ladies.  FI has sworn up and down that he doesn’t want to go to a strip club for his bachelor party, and whenever he does something “wrong” immediately tells me and asks for forgiveness, but I am disgusted at the thought of some cheap girl rubbing her tits all over MY man and his friends (all of whom are such bad influences) egging him on.  It doesn’t matter if he “confesses” or not.  This is a disrespectful action and a premeditated one at that, because every man knows his friends are going to drag him to a club and every man has the ability to refuse the lap dance/touching/whatever.

It is such a senseless tradition and why it persists I will never understand.  A fiancé is NOT a single man and this behavior is just so inappropriate, unless it’s consented by their fiancées!

Post # 8
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I don’t have any advice but just wanted to say sorry you are going through this.  Christian or not, if you set boundaries and he breaks them, that’s not cool.  I know a lot of people would disagree with me, but I think that if he agreed to a certain boundary, that means sticking up to his friends.. Hopefully you guys can work this one out.  Maybe there’s more to it than he told you and he’s just embarassed?  Idk..

Post # 11
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Sorry, I meant more as terms of why he did it and didn’t stand up to his friends.  I get that you’re open to each other, and that’s really great.  Communication is the most important thing right?  But maybe in his explanation he didn’t tell you something that a friend said that got to him and motivated him to go, or something like that.  I didn’t know how in depth you talked about this after the party.  That’s all… I would be shocked to hear you come on here and say his friend bought him a blow job.

Post # 12
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

I believe that he is sorry and that he didn’t mean to do it on purpose – but if he is incapable of standing up for himself when it comes to his morals – than his morals are meaningless.  Yes his heart is in the right place but if he is so weak his behaivor will never live up to what you want from a husband.

There are plenty of men who can tell their friends no and who can keep their word who are not so afraid of rejection from their friends that they will do things they know/think are wrong and hurt their SO so badly.

I’m actually not strongly against strip clubs and plan to go to one, but that’s not the point, he and you had an agreement for what you wanted and what kind of lives you want to lead and he’s showing you that he isn’t capable of it.

From your post I don’t get the feeling that this kind of weakness is out of character for him.  I think if you love him you have to be aware that he will not live up to the ideals he espouces in your live together and you have to be okay with that.  I’m really sorry.

 

Post # 13
Member
157 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

From the other side…

… I can’t believe you took off your ring, and considered calling off the wedding!  It was one night out with the guys, to a place that wasn’t his choice.  It’s not like your Fiance does this all the time, or begged them to take him there, right? 

Sure, some other chick rubbed up on him.  It’s not like he kissed her or did anything sexually with her, or loves her, or woke up next to her, or proposed to her.

He loves you.  You’re getting married!  And he came home to YOU.  That should be what matters most, right? 

I’m sorry he crossed some boundaries and that was indeed wrong, but this is the man you swore to stand by for life.  Have faith that your man means well. ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 14
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I would be really upset too. I am sorry you had to experience that. But I think it speaks volumes that he talked to you about it. I’m sure that time will heal the wound (and maybe some working together to get past it) and you’ll be as in love as ever on your wedding day.

Post # 15
Member
447 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2010

Hugs hugs hugs!  I just hate hate HATE this “tradition”— it could not be better designed to mess with the bride.  I’m so sorry that you’re hurting.  You have every right to be upset, and I understand you taking your ring off.  You were just giving yourself a little mental space.  Just try and get through it.  I feel like the bride loses no matter what in this situation, and it stinks.

Post # 16
Member
2512 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

Many many hugs. I would have done the same thing, and took my ring off as well. I’m another hands-down absolutely NO on this sickening “tradition” or “rite of passage” etc etc. I’m glad you two have come to terms somewhat, and you have put your ring back on, but he definately needed to see how badly this whole situation affected you. I don’t blame you for having lingering thoughts and feelings. It was an agreement between you both, that for whatever reason (peer pressure & pride mostly from what I gather) he failed to uphold his end of. That is a huge dissapointment in itself, even without the naked boobs/rubbing/grinding/etc. I can tell that faith plays a huge role in your lives, and people aren’t perfect (temptation is everywhere) so I think if you really want to forgive him and move past this you can. Keep praying about it, and you might even seek the counsel of a church elder (like one of the previous bees suggested). I wish you the best!

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