(Closed) Need a little insight brides… she didn't give me a bridesmaid gift…

posted 5 years ago in Gifts and Registries
Post # 3
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Why is she your friend? I think she was very unconsiderate

Post # 4
Hostess
7561 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

If it were me, not getting a gift wouldn’t matter; I would only be upset that the bride was so inconsiderate. Since she’s your friend, I would reach out to her and let her know you’re feeling neglected. (I would only tell her you’re upset about the relationship, not the absence of a gift.) I fear she may have a case of bridal brain where she doesn’t think of anyone or anything else. Hopefully your loving reminder can bring her back. Best of luck! 

Post # 5
Member
8369 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I guess you just have to weigh up whether not getting a gift/thank you is enough of a reaon to end the friendship. How much do you care if the relationship is over?

I personally wouldn’t end a friendship over something like this- I would just accept it and move on. Not everyone is concerned with etiquette. I think it is up to each individual to decide what they find acceptable in friendships and if the relationship isn’t meeting those standards then they need to end the friendship.

 

Post # 6
Member
11343 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@SMG2750:  

From all that you’ve written, it seems that there are three issues at play here. First, you did not receive a bridesmaid’s gift. Second, you have not heard from your friend in a month. And, third, despite the fact that the bride did not allow you to bring a guest, you disregarded her wishes and invited your mother to the wedding, because, you said, you believed it was “proper.”

My first question is, do you know if any of the other bridesmaids received gifts? Did the bride give you anything, such as accessories to wear during the wedding? (I know that many bees do not consider this a proper bridesmaid’s gift, because it is something for the wedding, and not something specific to each bridesmaid. However, I grew up in an area where that type of “gift” was very common, and I am wondering if maybe the bride is used to that practice as well.)

Regarding the fact that you haven’t heard from the bride, perhaps she has been extremely busy with her honeymoon and going back to work or school, and trying to begin her married life. A month definitely seems like a long time when you’re the one waiting to hear from someone; however, when your life has just experienced major changes, and you’re trying to adjust to them, it may not be your first thought or priority to reach out to your friends. You may need to be a bit more patient.

Finally, was there any discussion or conflict between the two of you after you chose to disregard the bride’s wishes and invite another guest to her wedding? If she is upset with you about this, although this would not justify her not giving you a gift, it could perhaps explain her not being so anxious to get together with you following the wedding.

Everything I’ve written is pure speculation, but I’m just trying to help think of plausible explanations for what may have happened. I really hope things work out with you and your friend.

Post # 7
Member
633 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

You say you are not after a gift, but you are upset that you didn’t get one…so you kind of were after a gift. Had she gotten you a gift, would you still be upset about all the money you spent? You didn’t HAVE to spend so much money on her gifts. You could have let her know ahead of time that money was tight…I would feel so bad if my bridesmaid didn’t tell me she was having financial troubles and couldn’t afford everything I wanted for her. I also don’t expect gifts, but if someone tells me they are getting me one, I’m not gong to tell them not to!

I also agree that it was rude of you to invite someone that was not on the inviation, regardless of how long she’s known your mother. I can’t invite some people I am very close to b/c the money is just not there. I KNOW I’m going to hurt some feelings, but I can’t magically come up with extra money to include everyone I love! It’s also weird that your mother would ask about the bridesmaid gift…something like that would never ocurr to me to ask somebody else…

It sounds, from what you posted, that the issue here is that you spend a lot of money on her and she didn’t get you a gift, and you feel like that makes her a bad friend. Only one month out from her wedding, I’m sure she’s preoccupied with being a wife and coming down from her wedding high! If you’re missing her, then you should call her! 

If there were other things that happened that make you feel neglected, then sure, reevaluate the friendship, but from what we know here, it doesn’t sound like that big of a deal…

 

Post # 8
Member
418 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

@Brielle:  

This, this… a million times THIS.

Not only that, this seems like yet another time where someone let their mommy put a thought in her head and she ran with it. A month after the wedding? I hope no one is looking for me because I can tell you now, I’m not going to have time for much socializing on the phone or otherwise.

Post # 9
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

No that has never happened to me- it is very rude of the bride to not recognize what you did as a bridesmaid and give you a gift. I’ve been a bridesmaid 9 times and each time the bride gave me a nice card and gift(s). I, of course, did the same when I was a bride.

The ‘some people aren’t concerned about etiquette’ doesn’t fly with me- if someone isn’t concerned with etiquette, then I’d reconsider the friendship. That’s not to say you have to follow every etiquette rule, but showing appreciation for the things one does as a bridesmaid is a must.

As fas as not having heard from her, that’s another story. People get busy and I go months sometimes without talking to some friends.

Post # 10
Member
7904 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

@Brielle:  This exactly. OP, you should’ve been given a gift, but more so this friend should be in contact with you. But, I’m extremely shocked that you would invite your mother. First, guest invitations are for dates, not whomever you want. Second, you were not extended a guest and broguht one anyway. There’s no way to play which faux paus is greater and two wrongs don’t make a right, but geez.

I would reach out to her sometime during th holidays to share best wishes for her first holiday season with her husband. Then I would contact her again sometime after that to actually catch up. I would appologize for bringing your mother to the wedding.

Post # 11
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

To all the people criticizing this poster for inviting her mother, I read her post to say that she was in fact invited to bring a guest, and because the bride screwed up, she rescinded that offer! That to me is the far larger error. You don’t ask someone to stand in your wedding party and not let them bring a guest, in my book.

Can someone explain to me what “preoccupied with being a wife” means? 

Anyhow, OP, I feel bad for you. I hope at the least that the bride in question send you a thank you card for your lovely gift, but she sounds like the type who takes her bridal party for granted and assumes you should all be falling over yourselves to be there with her and laying out cash to do so.

No, I don’t think in the situation you described that it would be “normal” to not thank your girls, or go so long without touching base with them. I’m sorry you went through that. 🙁 I hope your financial situation improves soon, and I would hope that you re-evaluate how close of a friend you are to this girl.  She sounds (from the limited information posted above–obviously I don’t know you’re entire history) to be rather self-absorbed. I think your feelings are justified.

Post # 12
Member
3720 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@mrsSonthebeach:  I totally agree. A similar situation happend at a close friend’s wedding. The bride was trying to keep numbers down and didn’t invite plus ones of non-marrieds (including the bridal party). After the RSVPs were due, groom asked his friends why our SOs weren’t coming (he was hurt and felt snubbed), claimed it was an oversight, and had his bride immediately put them on the guest list. She was annoyed, but didn’t mean to snub social units. Best man heard he got a plus one and brought his brother and groom’s friend decided to bring a platonic friend. The bride was annoyed because plus ones weren’t designed to bring family and friends. They were designed to invite newly formed social units. As pissed as the bride was at the time, all is forgotten now (3 years later) because the platonic friend and best man reconnected at the wedding and are getting engaged in 3 days.

Post # 13
Member
7904 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

@SeaSalt:  ‘To all the people criticizing this poster for inviting her mother, I read her post to say that she was in fact invited to bring a guest, and because the bride screwed up, she rescinded that offer!”

Even if that’s the case, the “guest” option is not for just any other person, but for a date… not a friend or a family member.

Post # 14
Member
3688 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

It drives me nuts when people bring a friend or family member as a guest to keep them entertained at wedding receptions. What did your mother do at the reception while you were presumably at the head table? The bride obviously shouldn’t have overinvited, but I don’t think you absolutely needed to bring your mother as your date to a wedding. 

Post # 15
Member
1227 posts
Bumble bee

@mrsSonthebeach:  I agree that they are intended for dates and that the OP shouldn’t have done that BUT the bride was prepared to pay for a guest for this girl, then overstretched herself and asked the OP not to bring a guest. This would be a terrible thing to do to a regular wedding guest, but to do it to a member of your bridal party is simply beyond being in bad taste and poor form.  I think the oversight of not realizing who a “guest” should be is a rather small one in the grand scheme of etiqutte, but to extend an invitation and then rescind it is somewhat of a cardinal sin.

Anyhow, both the OP made errors, as well as the bride, but I think the bride was in significantly poorer form than the OP.

(Honestly, if it was my wedding, I’d rather a friend bring their mother whom I’ve known for years, but maybe couldn’t accomodate, than some guy they’ve been dating for a few years. But that’s just me. When I balance the wrongs on both sides, I still see the bride as committing the worst etiquette errors.)

Post # 16
Member
7904 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

@SeaSalt:  I agree tht an invitation should not be rescinded, but I honestly don’t know that “so she actually left my invitation r.s.v.p. card blank and called asking that if possible, I not invite anyone.” means that this is what happened.

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