(Closed) Need A Women’s Opinion PLEASE HELP a Good MAN

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
900 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Wow…that is quite a long story.  For a short answer, I would say that you definitely should not have to spend any time with this woman, but I don’t think you can demand your gf not to be friends with her either.  It’s complicated issue, and I would be upset too, but maybe they have history that either makes it hard for your gf to confront her or makes her feel that she can get past it to be friends with her…

I was confused by your story though.  You want your gf to say sorry?  What is your ultimate goal?  Is this a deal-breaker in your relationship (if she continues to be friends with the other woman)?

Post # 4
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

In my experience, a lot of my guy friends know that there is a “one strike and you’re out” policy when it comes to loyalty.  I’m always amazed at how forgiving women are towards each other… I don’t judge that approach, but it is very different from how I approach things.

This friend sounds toxic, and I’m not sure why your Girlfriend wants her in her life.  Have you guys considered going to couples counseling to talk about it?  That way, rather than have this hurt your relationship… there’s a chance that the relationship could become stronger.

And btw, I totally understand where you are coming from.  I would definitely consider walking away from the relationship if I was in your shoes.  But of course, not without trying couples counseling first!

Post # 6
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Gman – I would focus less on not compromising, and more on trying to understand where your girlfriend is coming from.  I’m sure from her perspective, she is being perfectly rational.

Once you understand her perspective, it will be a lot easier to decide how to move forward as a couple…

Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
1408 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with Mr. Bee that it sounds like you ought to go into couples counceling together. Maybe having a 3rd objective person in on the problem will help you see your GF’s position on this matter and she your position. I agree that, were I you, I’d want an apology from the friend and I’d want my partner to stand up for me and our relationship. Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
950 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

First, I’m going to compliment you on opening your heart to your Girlfriend again…it shows you love her very much.

Second, I’m going to support BOTH of mrbee’s comments: seek couples’ counseling (since the best person to help you solve this issue is your Girlfriend &,  barring her willingness to meet you half way, a professional, impartial mediator) & try to understand WHY your Girlfriend is making her own stance. As a woman, I like my feelings (and my own loyalties) to be validated…perhaps, from your GF’s point of view, you are failing to do so (while from your own, you seem to believe that you are at the end of your rope). I mean, if I understand you right, you are asking her to order her friend to apologize to you (for an action that she, the friend, may see as defending herself & getting someone SHE thinks is toxic out of your GF’s life) or to abandon that friend if the friend does NOT apologize.  (By abandon, I mean that, among other things, you will not want to invite this woman to your possible future wedding, kid celebrations, etc. &, as you intend to be a BIG part of your GF’s life that means this friend will have a very small part of her life to squeeze into)  From my point of view, I’m not sure that I would choose my friend over my Fiance (obviously depending on a LOT of factors), but I certainly would NOT appreciate my Fiance ASKING me to choose…most likely, I would immediately become skeptical of the person who asked such a thing. (and I certainly would never ask such a thing of my Fiance, no matter what his friend said…I’d expect him to aks for the apology on his own & simply avoid all further contact with said friend) So, please truly try to understand (not just comprehend) why your Girlfriend is so loyal to her friend.

Post # 9
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I completely understand why you think this girl is toxic to your relationship, but I do agree with mrbee that it’s most important to understand where your girlfriend is coming from. Once once you understand why she feels the way she does, and if she can understand why you feel the way you do, then you can try to reach a mutual agreement.

I will say, though, that if one of my husband’s friends cussed me out over something so silly, I’d be mortified and absolutley expect him to stand up for me and our relationship. In the same way, if one of my girlfriend’s cussed my husband out for something silly, I’d be livid and demand an apology.

Good luck!

Post # 10
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

First I’d like to say that I think your Girlfriend was in the wrong to begin with. Should Betty have told you those numbers about Pam? No. BUT…your girlfriend should not have broken the trust between the two of you and told Pam what happened. I think you need to feel comfortable communicating with your gf and sharing things that you wouldn’t want made public. That’s sometimes a hard thing for us women to understand. We love calling our friends up to chat. We love talking about all kinds of things but we have to learn that their are boundaries in relationships and some things said between the two of you need to stay private and just between the two of you.

That being said, I agree that this Pam chick sounds toxic. I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and say she felt attacked and got defensive. I’m not saying she’s right just that it tends to be human nature to immediately go into defense mode when we feel we are attacked, especially for women.

Third, regardless of what happened your girlfriend needs to stand by you and communicate to this friend that it is not appropriate, under any circumstances to talk to you in such a manner. I think part of respecting each other in a relationship is also demanding that your friends and family respect your significant other. I would never let me friends cuss out my fiance. I wouldn’t scream at them or cuss at them about the issue but I would politely explain that my Fiance is a very important part of my life and someone whom I love and respect very much. She doesn’t always have to agree with him but out of respect for me and him she needs to speak to him in a respectful, polite way.

Fourth, I would go to counseling together. It sounds like you have thought this through but I agree that you need to try to understand where your girlfriend is coming from before you throw in the towel.

Good luck.

Post # 11
Member
5823 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m with you!  I think this girl needs to apologize.  But beyond you directly asking her to, I don’t see what your GF can do beyond ignore her friend.  I’m sensing that perhaps your Girlfriend didn’t tell the story exactly right.  Like maybe she embellished the story and really pissed off her friend, and her friend was therefore justified (from her side) in yelling at you because she heard it wrong.  It just seems like the story doesn’t mesh to me.  Maybe your Girlfriend feels guilty for playing on your emotions and her friend’s emotions and doesn’t know how to reconcile that and come clean to both of you.  I think couple’s counseling will really help and it will give her the chance to offer the real story without strings attached.

Post # 12
Member
1740 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

i think you relantionship needs a lot of counseling… 

1. her friend is toxic

2. it sounds to weird she puts her friend before you

3. u did something wrong too when you started dating that fast… why that fast?? if she is really the love of ur life i dont get how in one week u got a date 

4. i dont think your relationship is healthy…

by the sound of the story she wont leave her friend… so i honestly say you need counseling as a couple or this relationship soon or later is going to end (my bet is soon) 

 

sorry….

Post # 13
Member
226 posts
Helper bee

I can definitely see why you would be concerned about this. The truth is, even if your gf talks to this friend, the friend may not agree to apologize. I think your gf is probably aware that “clearing the air” with this woman may ultimately mean a choice between the friend and yourself. It sounds like there is a lot of history between your gf and this friend that is keeping her from facing the issue. 

I totally agree with the couples counseling. Strengthening your relationship would probably be a major help. Once you and your gf  open up and connect more deeply, you can address both of your feelings and let her know what it means to you to have her support.Tread carefully. If something in your approach displeases your gf, what is the likelihood that she will run back to this toxic friend?

I wish you the best. I hope things work out for you. That said, be aware if you need to let go. Marriage is going to be a big enough responsibility without the friend undermining you in the background.

Post # 14
Member
554 posts
Busy bee

I agree with eeh2010   that your gf should not have said anything and that to me is a large problem. I am no saint and I am happy my Fiance has given me additional chances, but I have also earned those by going to counseling and showing him I could change my behavior. I would be concerned about boundaries and that is sharing too much private information with outsiders. I think you both need to seek a therapist together.

Post # 16
Member
300 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Good luck with the counseling! It’ll work out for the best one way or the other. 😀

The topic ‘Need A Women’s Opinion PLEASE HELP a Good MAN’ is closed to new replies.

Find Amazing Vendors