(Closed) Need Advice :(

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
5075 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

That’s abuse.  It’s not okay.

I would suggest counseling/anger management classes.  he has no right to put his hands on you in a violent manner, or drag you from place to place.

Post # 4
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

This is not okay.  He has anger problems that escalate to abuse.  I highly recommend getting out of the apartment until you both can get into counseling and his problems are under control.  I truly fear for you that this will continue to escalate.  Good luck, and stay strong.  His actions are NOT okay.

Post # 5
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I agree this is a bad sign. I think couseling/anger mangement is needed. I can see how his really bad behavior can esculate into a horrible situation. People fight differently for me when I get upset I become cold and quiet, and I always need down time before talking. I also understand that my Fi likes to fight things out and resolve them right away. Both of us have had to change and give and take a little in how we have arguements, it’s normal to do this a a couple, but putting your hands on someone is never ever ok.

Post # 6
Member
81 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

he needs to see someone ASAP and get his anger under control.  Abuse always starts here.  I’ve only had one ex lay hands on me and you better believe I’d never let it happen again (he didn’t hit me but he did grab me and push me onto our stairs (we were downstairs and I just ended up sitting on the steps).  Its scary when you feel like you aren’t in control of your own body. 

Get him help so it doesn’t go any further. I agree with tiffybear, you should consider leaving until he agrees & seeks help to manage his anger.

Post # 7
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

I wouldn’t say it’s abuse right now. But it’s definitely not OK.

You obviously have different fighting styles.  Get some couples/marital counselling on how to fight fair with each other with a goal of resolution, not “winning at all costs”.  He needs to respect that you need space to cool off/think, and you need to realized that giving the silent treatment/emotionally withdrawing is just as borderline abusive as him physically restraining you.

Post # 8
Member
1166 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Totally agree with the PP. It’s abusive. I had a Boyfriend or Best Friend who did similar things and while he never truly “hurt” me, it was always destructive. He’s got some seriously anger problems, it sounds like. 

I’m one of the people who needs to calm down and sometimes get my head clear during an arguement which usually means leaving the room. This is a totally normal and healthy behavior. If you leaving to cool down leads your Darling Husband to be even more angry and abusive, I think you ought to seek some help. You can’t put yourself in danger. It’s not healthy. I hope you get things straightened out! 

 

Post # 9
Member
382 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Your husband should never physically drag you anywhere nor hold you down. I agree that counseling is necessary here. Not him promising not to do it again. A third party needs to talk to him and hold him accountable.

If this keeps up or escalates, you’re going to have a make a decision on your marriage.

Post # 10
Member
902 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

This is very toxic!  I hate to say this but if you allow this to continue he will hit you one day.  Although this isn’t “hitting” he physically handled you in a violent way… that is abuse. 

You already stated the first situation and now this one has gone further…and the next time may be worse.  Do you want to wait until next time to know?  I would suggest counseling on him for his issues as well as both of you to get through it.

This is not a healthy relationship at all and I know this because my daughter’s sperm donor started the same way.  Which escalated into several times of being hit, pushed, knife held in my face, even punched me in the back of my head/neck when I was pregnant.

Please get out while you can or seek help ASAP

 

Post # 11
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Arguments happen…but they need to happen in a constructive way.  It seems like you and Darling Husband handle the stress of fighting differently.  If Darling Husband doesn’t want you to walk away from the situation, but you need a moment to collect your thoughts, then you two need to come to a compromise and understanding so that he is not feeling ignored, and you are not being physically abused.  That is simply not okay.

Personally, it took SO and I a lot of time to come to terms with how the other handles conflict, but we are at a point where if one of us needs to step away from the situation, we say something like, “I love you and I’m not ignoring you, but I need to come back to this in a few minutes.”  Yes, it sounds a little cheesy, but it also keeps both parties level-headed.

DO NOT pretend nothing happened…this is an alarming, uncalled for reaction by your Darling Husband and the two of you need to really work towards constructive fighting.

Post # 12
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m with the other posters in that this is 100% abuse. Get yourselves into counseling ASAP. If he won’t go, go alone! It would never be ok if my Darling Husband did any of this to me.

Post # 13
Member
5075 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

Think of it this way – if he walked up to a stranger and did any of those things he’d be arrested.

It’s not okay for him to do it to you because you’re his wife.  

Post # 15
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@needadvice80: Those are very valid fears.  Even with serious counseling, his problems won’t be fixed soon.  This will take time to undo, and that’s if he’s completely willing.  Get yourself to somewhere safe so you can sort out your emotions and thoughts, and take lots of time.  

Post # 16
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

this is really scary, even worse that he isn’t recognizing the problem and trying to blame you.  Imagine a friend told you their SO pinned them to the bed or dragged them out of the bathroom.  Deal with this now before it escalates further.  Agree that you should outside help ASAP.

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