(Closed) Need Advice :(

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
134 posts
Blushing bee

@needadvice80

What? He’s PINCHED you when angry before?  I edit my previous post – he IS abusing you.  Be grateful you’re seeing it at the beginning stages and heed the red flag.  He either stops 100% and  NEVER repeats this behaviour again, or your marriage is over.  Counselling NOW and if doesn’t get it or rationalizes it away – WALK.

In the meantime, double (triple!) up on birth control. You do NOT want to bring a child into this situation. FFS, he pinches you when he gets angry?  WTH will he do when he’s frustrated with a crying newborn?

Post # 18
Member
7172 posts
Busy Beekeeper

@needadvice80:  I don’t care what the reason is for the anger – meaning, you could do the most heinous, mean-spirited thing and Darling Husband should STILL never lay a hand on you.  Him telling you the ‘why’ behind him losing it is just an excuse for inexcusable behavior.

I’m glad that Darling Husband has a handle on himself to not take it any further, but it needs to be addressed.  If I were in your shoes, a conversation (when things are cooled down) about ‘X’ behavior being absolutely unacceptable is a start.  Don’t let him make up excuses (well, I only did it because you made me mad).  It doesn’t matter.  Be prepared to follow-through with whatever threats you may offer before you do so (ie: I’ll leave you if you do it again).  The worst thing you could do, IMO, is make empty threats and set up a pattern for potential abuse.

 

Post # 19
Member
9988 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

What he did was wrong.  He essentially threatened you by holding you down and asking, “Do you really want to make me angrier?”  However, when you threatened to end your marriage, you took it to an even worse level.

The two of you are on a slippery slope towards your marriage disintegrating into an ugly something you don’t want it to be.  Trust me on this.

Get some help – counseling or whatever – learn to be able to argue without resorting to physical violence or threats.  Both of you are way in the wrong here.  It needs to stop.  You need to treat each other with respect, and what you did to each other is highly disrespectful on both your parts.

Tip – If you want your marriage to last – NEVER threaten to end the relationship – unless you are ready for it to be over –

Because you will get your wish.

Edit:  Just saw he PINCHED you??!!  That is physical abuse.  Dealing with physical abuse by yourself is dangerous as hell.  Please, please get some education about abusers and please get some help for youself and stay safe.  You can threaten to end it all you want, but he is capable of hurting you far worse than that!!

Post # 20
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Pinching you! This is nuts, I saw go see a couselor after working with them definitly consider all of your options

Post # 21
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

I sent you a message as my feedback was too personal to share out here.  Please check it 🙂

Post # 22
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

@Sunfire:  I disagree with you.  She didn’t threaten to end the marriage, she told him in a clear concise manner that IF he hurt her physically she WOULD leave him.  She didn’t say I’m leaving you if you don’t calm down she said stop this abuse or that is that.  I agree with the sentiment and would say the same thing in her place to my SO. 

 

If a man hits you, you leave.  She was just reminding him of this rule, that’s all.

Post # 23
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@Papillon23:  I agree entirely with this post. My Darling Husband and I handle conflict a bit differently – I often need time to sort out my feelings and don’t want to talk things out right away, whereas he really doesn’t like having tension between us, so wants to talk it out immediately. If we talk it out immediately, I often end up coming across as more angry or frustrated than I would have, if only I’d have had a few minutes to calm down and sort out my thoughts. It has taken us some time to understand each others’ feelings on this – and as Papillon said, I’ll have to say to him ‘I’m not ignorning you or closing up; I just need a few minutes/hours/etc, and then we can talk.’ He pouts about it, but he’ll leave me be. 🙂

Having said that, in either of our frustrations, we’ve never gotten physical with each other – getting physical can definitely be a red flag, and best to nip this in the bud ASAP. If he seems hesitant about couples’ counselling, perhaps approach it as you’ve noticed you both handle conflict differently and you would like a third party help you see eye-to-eye. That way it’s not like you’re pointing the finger saying ‘you’ve gone about this all wrong!’ (though I think it’s more on him than you), but coming from a place of mutual standing and wanting to improve your relationship and communication.

Any sort of aggressive physical contact should definitely be addressed ASAP! Good luck!

Post # 24
Member
9988 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Bunny:  I agree with you, now that I saw he has pinched her.  Obviously she should get away from him and end the marriage if he is going to be physically abusive.  I gave my advice about not threatening to end the relationship before I saw the pinching part.  As a general rule, I would say not to threaten that in an argument.  But abuse changes everything.

However, that said, giving threats to an abuser who has you pushed down on the bed is plain stupid and dangerous.  She should stop threatening him and just get some help for herself.  He could have choked her right that minute.  It’s scary!!

Post # 25
Member
3683 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Even if he is your husband, he has no right to touch you without your permission.  If you had been so inclined, you could have had him arrested for what he did.  I fear that unless something big happens that is a wake up call for him, this will only get worse.

Also, physically blocking you from leaving is illegal too.

Get out now.  It’s only going to become more difficult to do it later.

 

Post # 26
Member
1542 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I think its a problem that needs to be addressed and worked on but i don’t think its a “leave now” or “get counselling” kind of thing. Its on the wrong path but its not that bad yet.

I think its just a matter of reaching the line – now you can’t step over it. Something you need to talk to him and be firm about. And you need to let him know that some arguements NEED to be walked away from. (meaning walk away – calm down and recompose yourself then discuss it) I think he’s confusing “don’t walk away from an arguement” with “don’t ignore it”

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