Post # 1
I need your input on a situation that has left me upset and angry at someone whom I considered at one time to be a very close friend of mine.
First off, I need to mention that I was recently in her wedding a few months ago that cost me quite a bit financially. I made it to the 5 day bachelorette party with no expenses spared. (She has developed quite expensive taste since we first became friends. Fancy dinners and bottles of champagne are apparently the standard!) I got engaged after agreeing to be her bridesmaid. Even though I could have really used the money to save for my own wedding, I decided that I needed to honor my commitment to her and be there for her like a good bridesmaid/close friend should.
After her wedding, I started to pick the bridesmaids for my own wedding. I asked her to be one of my maids, but she declined the invitation, stating, “I honestly don’t know if I can commit to it. I would need to look at my financial situation”. I then asked her if she would at the very least be able to make it to the wedding. And she replied, “I have a busy flight schedule” and left it at that.
My bachelorette party has now come up and we are planning a trip to a popular vacation destination. We had planned to all stay together and she and a couple of girls have decided that they would like to stay separate from the rest of the group and stay in a hotel that is apparently more in the middle of all the festivities. (this hotel is more pricey also!) What I ALSO discovered is that they are planning to spend an extra day out on vacation than the rest of us.
All of a sudden her “financial situation” doesn’t look so bleak. She is willing to spend extra money to stay in a nicer hotel than the rest of us and even lengthen her stay. Her vacation time apparently hasn’t interfered with her busy flight schedule.
Now I am so upset, I don’t know what to do. I need input pls!
Post # 3
@junebride82: ugh! I would be upset. And I am pretty laid back about friend stuff generally. She doesn’t sound like a close friend. I would probably just phase her out of my life. No need to have a big discussion. She isn’t worth it. Who doesn’t commit to going to your good friend’s wedding?!
Unless, is it a destination wedding for her? That is a little trickier, but she should at least throw some exclamations in her response. Like, “of course I’ll try to make it! Let me see what I can do and let you know ASAP! Congratulations!” See? She couldn’t even go through that effort. How is she as a friend otherwise?
Post # 4
I understand how that can make you upset, but at the same time it is her money and her vacation time. Maybe when you first asked her, she didn’t know if she’d be able to work her schedule to accommodate your wedding. Now that it’s closer, it could be easier to work the schedule. Also, you were a great friend for making time and spending the money for her wedding, but nobody forced you to do it. It was your choice, and it should have been made without any consideration of being repaid in kind.
It sucks. I get that. It really stinks that she isn’t being the same friend to you as you are to her. However, it’s something that you either just have to accept, or you can make the choice to stop being as close with her as you have been in the past.
Post # 5
She isn’t really a friend, she obviously cares only about herself and doesnt care about your feelings, don’t let her ruin your day or for that matter any day after that, she isn’t worth your friendship or your time, I would totally cut all kinds of communication with her at this point.
Post # 6
@HisMoon: +1. My thoughts exactly.
Post # 7
I do everything without the intention of getting anything back in return (I agreed to be her bm and everything that goes with it BEFORE I was even engaged, and I kept my word). And I totally get that I can’t control other people and their actions. Only myself and what I choose to do for myself and others in my own life. I’m pretty disappointed and it’s keeping me down more than I like to admit. I’m just hurt and venting. Don’t see how I can be faulted for that.. I wish I could be made of steel and just not care. Guess the human in me gets in the way..
Post # 8
Btw- the Wedding is a 30 min “destination” plane ride for her. The bachelorette is an 8 hr destination plane ride and she seems to have no problems with that “destination” or cost whatsoever.
Post # 9
Like PPs said, it is her money. I can see why you would feel hurt and upset, but I think this is a battle you should let go. Perhaps she didn’t want to committ to helping or something and didn’t know how to tell you, as insensitive as that sounds?
I’d let it go.
Post # 10
Yeah, true. Better to know someone’s true character earlier rather than later.
Post # 11
I guess I should just be selfish and think of myself only. Then there will never be a problem. Lesson learned!
Post # 12
You have really only two choices:
1. Accept that your friend has expensive tastes and puts herself first; accept it like we accept any other personality flaw in our friends, such as the close friend who gossips, the friend who gets too loud when drinking, the friend who brings constant drama, or the friend who is always late. This is who she is, at her core, and it’s no reflection on you, any more than a friend who is late for everything is showing you that she doesn’t value your friendship when she leaves you waiting on a cold rainy night when she’s promised you a ride from the airport. Maintain your relationship, and build future activities with that fact in mind (just like how we all have a friend who we’ll tell our flight lands at 9:00 when it really lands at 8:45)
2. Acknowledge that this disparity in values in regards to money is a deal-breaker in the relationship, and move on
Only you can decide if the benefits of staying friends with this person outweigh the negatives of having to deal with her relationship with money. If you want to go with Option 1, you’ll have to learn how to not equate money (and how people choose to spend it) with the value they place on your relationships, which can be very difficult to do. But you will not be able to stay friends with this person unless you can get past it; you’ll constantly be looking at the disparities in your spending styles and feeling bitter and undervalued.