Need Advice

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
7820 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

How has he responded to your requests?

Post # 4
Member
7820 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Would he view your drinking as some sort of betrayal of his mother’s memory and his suffering? Does he spend time with friends and other colleagues while they are drinking? Has he had any counseling to deal with his mother’s death? Was not drinking a “dealbreaker” relationship issue for him? 

Why, after more than five years without drinking, is it important to you now? It sounds as if this is not a completely rational issue for him. Is it important to him that you not drink at all or not drink when he is around? 

Post # 6
Member
7820 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Partners agree to all sorts of boundaries in a relationship. Some couples agree that porn is off limits, some agree to open relationships. As long as both partners are on the same page it works. You made the choice to agree, many years before you married, that alcohol was a boundary. It really isn’t fair to call him controlling in this situation and it would be understandable if he was angry that you want to change the rules now that you are married.

That said, encourage him to pursue counseling to address his issues surrounding his mother’s death. With some time, effort and consideration on both your parts you can hopefully find a happy middle ground.

Post # 7
Member
9164 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

View original reply
lioness30 :  But he isn’t preventing you from doing it, he is asking you not to. And you get to decide what is more important to you a drink or him, just like he gets to decide what is more important to him a partner that doesn’t drink or you. He has been upfront about this being a dealbreaker for him so it is not right that you are resenting him for a choice you made.

I understand where your husband is coming from but for me it is smoking. If I met someone and they were a smoker then they wouldn’t be someone I would enter into a relationship with. If my non-smoking husband decided to take up smoking then I would say it was his choice but in my head I know if he choose to continue to smoke then I would leave the relationship. Smoking is a dealbreaker for me and he is aware of that. 

Post # 10
Member
11385 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

View original reply
lioness30 :  with all due respect, I’m pretty sure he sees drinking as being bad for health since a drunk driver killed his mom. 

If I made a deal like this with my partner and after a year of marriage they were resenting it, I’d be wondering if they went along with it to get me to marry them. It’s kind of crappy that you’re seeing this as controlling when you agreed to it. 

But if you feel like it’s really important to be able to drink, why not renegotiate the agreement if he’s willing. Maybe there are certain things he wants, like no driving when you’ve had a drink or he doesn’t want to smell it on your breath at night. 

Hopefully you can resolve this. I do think you could be more sensitive to his feelings about this though, because he absolutely sees this as bad for health – he sees it as responsible for his mom’s death. Fair or not. 

Post # 11
Member
151 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

I find it strange that your partner is not ok with you having the odd glass of wine here and there. Chocolate, sugar, fat etc are all ‘bad for your health’ in large amounts… it sounds like very controlling and irrational behaviour to me. I’m probably feeling a bit salty about other things going on in my life at the moment but if my partner asked me to abstain from something perfectly normal I’d want him to cut something pretty important out of his life too. What’s he giving up for you?

Post # 12
Member
587 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Well he ask and you agreed so no it’s not controlling. Anyway he also let you drink with friends when he’s not around so for me he is being reasonable. He just don’t like to drink and I personally won’t do what I know my DH don’t like if I still can do it somewhere else. Looks like win win situation for me.

Post # 13
Member
1012 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

You agreed upfront and held to it for six years. He has a right to his deal-breakers and and he made them known. You want to go back on an agreement because you feel like it. 

You agreed upfront and held to it for six years. He has a right to his deal-breakers and and he made them known. You want to go back on an agreement because you feel like it. 

Is he ok with you drinking with your friends or not? That part was unclear? If he is then he is being very reasonable. If not, you shouldn’t have agreed to something you didn’t want to do. 

He is not being controlling. Everyone has qualities they want in a partner. One of the qualities he wants is someone who doesn’t partake in what he sees as the thing that killed his mother. 

If you think he needs therapy then encourage him to seek it, but that’s a separate issue. 

Post # 15
Member
10537 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

You keep saying you place a lot of value on freedom in a relationship but then why did you agree to this in the first place and why is it suddenly a problem 6 years into the relationship? 

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