- 4 months ago
I could really use some advice. I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 4 years now. We are 34 (him) and 36 (me). He has two kids from a previous relationship, a boy and a girl, 15 and 16 years old respectively. Because he had them at such a young age, and because their mother turned into a drug addict, they have lived with their grandmother (his mother) all of their lives. I happen to live a 2 minute drive from his mother’s house. When we met 4 years ago, he was living on his own but decided to move back in with his mother so he could be with his kids and also to be closer to me.
The last year or so we have been discussing marriage and having a family of our own. He has said for several years that he can’t wait to move in with me. Well, yesterday he springs on me that not only does he want to move in, but bring his two teenagers with him. There are many problems with this. But first of all, please know that I do love his kids and I’m close to them. But I am not their mom. Unfortunately, their Grandmother has had that role all of their lives and she has acted like many Grandparents would as far as spoiling them.
Their lifestyle is very different than mine and my boyfriend’s. We are both very health-conscious as far as what we eat. The kids have a meltdown if we don’t give them some form of fried chicken for every single meal because that’s what they have whined and complained their Grandmother into doing. You may think I’m exaggerating but a typical day for them when they/their Grandmother are getting food is: fried chicken biscuits from Chik-fil-a, lunch of fried chicken fingers at Whataburger, and then dinner at night is chicken wings from wingstop. Their Grandmother will argue with me until she is blue in the face that this is healthy for the children and herself.
So of course, when I make a meal, it’s healthy-ish (I put a small pile of vegetables on their plate that I expect them to eat) and make a main that isn’t fried. Nothing crazy. A normal meal by most people’s standards. They have a meltdown when I cook, are outright rude and make it clear that they hate the meal, sit there pouting like 2 year olds letting their food get cold, stuff the food in the couch cushions or give it to the dog, throw the rest of the meal into the garbage, and then their grandmother lets them eat ice cream or candy until they go to bed without brushing their teeth.
Another issue is that both of them insisting on always having the best–but without earning it. Their grades are all failing, they don’t do their homework without a fight, don’t do chores without a fight, spill things, break things, ruin things constantly because they are too lazy to put their drink on a tray instead of the floor, for example. But they want more expensive clothes and shoes than I even buy for myself. The kids instruct me on what to buy them for their birthdays and Christmas and it’s always something way out of my budget.
And that’s the other thing–my budget. I live on my own and have a mortgage, car, bills, etc. that I pay on my own. I don’t have tons of extra money to spend on things like that. He will help with bills if they move in but I’m worried about what this will do to me financially as well as emotionally. The kids have made it CLEAR that they don’t want to live with me because they don’t like my cooking and don’t like that I actually have rules and standards in my house. Their Grandmother just retired and seems to not want them to move out of her house either.
I would like to live with the person that I love and intend to marry. I’m 36 years old so I don’t have years and years to wait to have a child of our own. But we can’t even think about having a child of our own until they are grown and out of my house because we just would not have room for everyone in my small house.
Please give me some advice. Should the kids come with us or stay with their Grandmother? The only person who wants the kids living with us is my boyfriend which I understand…but he also wants to have a child of our own. I don’t want to wait until I’m 40 to be a mom and I don’t want to have kids living with me who don’t want to be there either.
If you read through this whole thing you are a saint.