Need Advice About Future Step Kids

posted 4 months ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Absolutely your Fiance has a right to want his kids to live with him! If you don’t want to deal with his kids, then this is the wrong person for you to marry. While you’re not their bio mom, as a STEP mom you still need to be able to accept these children and be okay with living with them! I’m actually kind of shocked you act like they shouldn’t be living with you guys?

And all of the issues they have-look at it this way. YOU can be a positive influence. If they live in your house, then you can feed them better. You can encourage them to do good in school.

Post # 4
Member
4764 posts
Honey bee

Honestly, I’d be more concerned about having children with a man who isn’t parenting the children he already has. Why isn’t he establishing chores, requiring decent grades, encouraging them to have jobs or extracurricular activities, and monitoring what they eat?

That said–did you really think he wouldn’t want his children to live with him? 

When you enter into a relationship with a man who has children you enter into a relationship with the children as well, for better or worse. You have a lot to think about. 

Post # 5
Member
426 posts
Helper bee

Tbh I’m curious about why his mum was raising his children while he lived on his own, and now you’re getting married he suddenly wants his kids to move in and live with you both. Unless I’m missing something it seems like he only wants to live with his kids when someone else is looking after them. I don’t think it’s fair that you’ve been together years and now suddenly he has sprung it on you that he wants his kids to move in with you both when previously I assume he told you they would stay with grandma?

He obviously has every right to want to live with his kids and in any other situation I would say that you don’t have a leg to stand on as you chose to get in a relationship with someone knowing their kids are part of the package, however, I feel he has been quite sneaky and misleading here and I would not be okay with this. 

Post # 7
Member
573 posts
Busy bee

Is it possible for you and your SO to give the kids an option of who they want to live with? Your SO could live with you and if the kids don’t want to follow your rules/Eat the food you make they can stay living at gmas? Since you’re within spitting distance. 

Post # 8
Member
4764 posts
Honey bee

helpmebees :  He is their father and he doesn’t seem to be trying very hard. If this is his best, again, I’d be leery of having children with him. Parenting isn’t easy. It isn’t fun having to be the bad guy, but it’s necessary.

Is there a reason he moved in with his mother instead of having the children move in with him? Was it just easier?

My kids don’t always want to eat their vegetables or do their chores. Sometimes they choose to accept the consequences for doing things their way. Usually they don’t. Is he still buying them all of this expensive stuff while they act this way? Does he have any rules or boundaries?

Post # 9
Member
6551 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think you’ve got way bigger issues than your boyfriend’s kids wanting to be spoiled and fed fried chicken every day. I know everyone has different standards, and that your boyfriend likely got into this situation initally by having a child as a teenager. That being said I can’t believe you’re considering building a life with a man who lives with his mother and doesn’t even parent the two kids he already has? Why is he living this “healthy lifestyle” apparently doing whatever he wants while his mom is raising his kids? Did you really think he’d want to move in with you without his kids? I obvoiusly don’t know the whole story but I already can feel my respect for this guy dimishing just by reading what you’ve written about the situation….I would have absolutely NO respect for a guy who goes and starts a new life/family with his girlfriend while leaving his mother to raise his kids.

You need to discuss these issues now before you commit to a lifetime with this guy. 

Post # 10
Member
3705 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2017 - Poppy Ridge Golf Course

Some of this doesn’t sound right. Him being so young yet not having his children live with him isn’t an excuse to me, sorry but no. If I managed to get a decent job at 17 and move out with my child, not leaving him with grandma bc that wasn’t her responsibility, then I don’t see how this grown man has never been capable of getting a place big enough for his children to live with him and he’s now in his 30’s. As far as their behavior it sounds horrible but thats also on him as a parent not setting guidelines or boundaries.

Having said that its completely understandable that he would want his children to live with both of you, however, it seems like this arrangement is only a benefit for him. I’m not saying he’s using you and your resources but think about it for a second. If you didn’t already have your own home would getting out of his moms house even be a priority?

Post # 11
Member
2050 posts
Buzzing bee

This sounds like a nightmare. 

In your shoes, I would sit down with SO first, and see if we could get on the same page regarding rules and boundaries for the children. It sounds like your parenting styles (or what parenting styles you HAVE, neither having ever full-time parented before) are fairly similar.

Then, I would have a sit down with both SO and his children. Does he even know if they would WANT to move in with him? Do you know?

They are both getting close to the age of leaving home. And they are used to their grandmother’s indulgent ways. Who’s to say they will even voluntarily leave that situation? I’m guessing the grandmother has legal parental rights, and I can’t imagine she’d sign that over to your SO if the children complained enough about wanting to stay with her.

IF the children wanted to move in with you and their father, there would need to be a serious talk about expectations so that everyone can get on board. 

If everyone seemed amenable, there would be ANOTHER sit down a week or two later to have the same discussion in even greater detail: chore charts, specific rules with their consequences, etc. If you wanted to make it fun, the children could negotiate for themselves. 

But have him move in with his unruly, undisciplined children who will likely make your life hell and run screamnig and crynig to their grandmother every time you try to enforce a fair rule? No thanks. 

A lot of people turn into pious martyrs when children enter the equation, but I’m not one of them.

I couldn’t have children living with me unless I had full reign to help them. And that would take both your SO and the grandmother signing on to present a united front. And it would take the children agreeing to move. I don’t think you’re going to get either of those things in this situation.

Post # 12
Member
373 posts
Helper bee

If he’s been living at his mom’s with them, why does he allow them to act this way?

Post # 13
Member
8640 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2016

It would be kind of shitty to move in with his new Girlfriend and have a kid but still leave his other kids like cast offs with Grandma. I can only imagine the problems that would breed with the kids.

A lot of this is kind of a non issue to me. They’re kids, they get what they get (food or otherwise) and since they’ve been badly trained they will require some discipline. Thems the shakes when you get involved with someone with kids.

Post # 14
Member
365 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

I’ll actually go against the grain and tell you straight forward that it’s probably best the kids stay with granny.  They sound kind of awful to be honest. There is no need to change their living arrangement and I’d talk about that with your Boyfriend or Best Friend. 

Post # 15
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2008

I think your boyfriend is being selfish and mean towards his children. He left them when they were kids and only returned to their lives out of convenience -you living near the grandma: he would be saving on rent. I find it easy to understand why they won’t see you as a motherly figure (or an authority one) as they probably don’t see their father as a father either -he might be more like a bro to them than their parent.

I think your boyfriend should get his act together before even considering moving in with you, and you should seriously consider if you are willing to have a kid with someone who has shown no parenting skills. He should focus on first becoming a father to his children before even dreaming of living with them as a family. I wouldn’t accept moving in with him until he can prove to me that he can handle his teenage kids enough for them to behave properly in my house and under new rules.

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