Need Advice About Future Step Kids

posted 6 months ago in Relationships
Post # 46
393 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Ok – I have some questions;

1. When you met 4 years go, he was living on his own.  He then suddenly decided to move back in with his mother and his kids.  Why?  Did you influence this?

2. You have been together 4 years and the kids still have no basic manners and respect for you? What has your boyfriend done about this?  What have you done about this?

3. Doesnt it stand to reason that your boyfriend is not only used to it (as he was likely raised this way too) but is accepting of how his mother is raising his kids?  

4. Have you thought about the fact that these kids never ‘go away’ – never. Ever. EVER.

5.  If your boyfriend wants his kids to live with him (and you) – why doesnt he get his own place and you move in there?  

6.  What kind of college degree takes like 15 years to do (and isnt even complete) and what kinds of jobs did he do (must be almost 24 hours a day so that he couldnt raise his kids) – and he must now have a lot of savings and/or assets working so hard and long?


PS – For the record – I had a kid at 16 and I supported her – I got a University degree and worked as well – we did it hard and didnt have much – but I did it.  He didnt because he didnt want to, not because he couldnt – and that is his choice and you should at least acknowledge it.  And it does actually show you how committed he will be to your future kid.

Post # 48
1884 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

helpmebees :  It’ll be okay bee,  it’s sometimes hard with teens that haven’t had any discipline.  I’ll echo that you need to give them a choice because of their ages.  Hopefully they will choose to live with y’all, but I don’t see any way to effectively parent them without grandma being supportive. 

If the issue is just that she doesnt want to deal with meltdown,  but still wants the kids,  your So needs to work that out with her.  Like it or not,  she is their principle parental figure and she needs to be in board with any changes.

My nephew is adopted from foster care.  He’s now 17, but my brother has had custody since he was 13. Unread so difficult parenting him at first for bro.  Like your step kids,  he didn’t have any discipline, didnt brush his teeth,   refused to homework,  chores, and was violent and disrespectful. He’s gotten so much better with discipline and expectations.  He’ll always have issues, but I feel he might actually become a contributing member of society.   He’s not really cut out for academia though,  not everyone is.  Maybe your steps need to see how hard manual labor is before they give up on going to college by failing high school.  Is there a volunteer program or part time job they can get to show them what’s in-store for their future? The 16 year old is old enough to work and contribute to family finances. Maybe SO needs to stop bankrolling more than essentials.

You should certainly get the opportunity to be a parent if that’s what you want.  I’m also 36 and marrying fi in 2 months.  At first we were going to wait to try,  but after doing research and thinking about it,  we’ve decided to start ttc as soon as we marry.  We aren’t getting any younger, but there’s still plenty of time to ttc.

Post # 50
9089 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

helpmebees :  

Sorry, Bee.  I’m not convinced that there was no other job your Fi could have gotten that offered decent pay and good health insurance.  People can make things happen when they are sufficiently motivated.

As for where you go from here—you have a pretty closed system.  It’s apparent that talking with your Fi hasn’t resulted in the kinds of changes you want.

My suggestions would be individual therapy for yourself to work through some of your anger in healthier ways and family therapy for all of you.  Though I suspect I’m baying at the moon here.

Post # 52
4388 posts
Honey bee

I would not have children with a man who abandoned his own =\ 

eta: He is a full-time, devoted father. … They made an agreement that she would take them full-time

Do YOU even know how to read? He is not a full time father. He is letting his mother take care of them, for 15 years. That is not a full time father. He sent a cheque every month, good for him. 

Post # 54
116 posts
Blushing bee

Wow. People really want to focus on the past, huh? Have you and your bf had a discussion about how your living situation will look? I would struggle to give up my space, in the home I bought by myself. That being said, I agree that this decision should be up to the kids. They are closer to adulthood legally than they are kids. I wonder if you could provide some structure, like the kids live with you on the weekends. I think having them full time would be too much for everyone involved. It sounds like your bf is trying to step up to the plate, but it may be too little to late. I would also be concerned about how it would affect the kids to just not have dad around if they stay with grandma for the majority of the time. What a difficult situation, bee…

Post # 55
324 posts
Helper bee

I think people are being VERY presumptuous about your situation.

When I was a kid, my mom was a single mother of 3 and we all lived with my grandparents. My mom DID however leave to another state for a better job and left us with my grandparents because it was what was best.

Your husband had a job that paid the bills. Who cares if he didn’t work a 9-5 and come home every day to his children? Life isn’t that easy for everyone, and no you can’t just find a job like that when you’re 19. Hell, people barely find jobs like that at 20, 30, and on.

The only thing I disagree with OP is the selfishness behind not having room for both his children and having one of your own. Simply put, if the kids live with you two, it is what it is. You can’t deny your Fiance having his children live with him because it’s inconvenient. If you want to really set up your future, you should probably consider selling your home and buying a new one. Just because the children get to 18 and go to college doesn’t mean they wouldn’t have a place to live with you if necessary.

My bf has a 13-year-old and while he isn’t my son and lives in a different state, at any time they could agree his son could live with us and we would have to make room. We have two bedrooms in our house and I want a child, but I would never deny his child living with us just because I want a baby. A child is a person’s number one priority. Your bf would never let you live it down if you logistically couldn’t figure out how to get his kids a part of your life.

If we’re talking about what is best for the children, they should live with you two. His mother is enabling them with bad habits, poor manners, and frankly irresponsible behavior that is going to lead them down an unsuccessful path. God forbid his mother die at some point, what do you think would happen when his children are 25-30 and still need a place to live because they can’t do what they need to do to be on their own? I’m 25 myself and JUST got my own place with my bf. Children don’t just become able to be on their own at 18, and you have to prepare for that because even though they’re not your kids biologically, they are your family regardless.

Your husband is a hard worker and doesn’t deserve some of the derogatory things being said about him here. That said, you BOTH need to put those children’s needs and best interests in front of your own. What they want and what they need are two completely different things. And as a father, it doesn’t matter what his mother wants, it matters what is best for the children, and what is best for them is to live in a household with structure, where doing their homework and chores is mandatory to grow them into better people and learn responsibility, and develop better habits so they can grow into mature adults. You’re doing them an injustice by allowing them the freedom they’re mandating by staying with the grandmother.

Post # 56
833 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

It sounds like when your SO has made an effort to parent his kids, his mom has undermined him. And he didn’t put his foot down, which he should have done much sooner. I don’t understand why he didn’t live with them all that time, but as you said, the past can’t be changed.

Since the kids don’t want to live with you and everyone is going to be miserable if you force them, the easier course would be to let them stay with Grandma. Either way, I don’t think you’ll get anywhere in instilling better habits in them if their grandma’s house and her lenient ways are an option. But what is the plan for when they turn 18? It doesn’t sound like they have either the academic or life skills to get by on their own, and she won’t be able to provide for them forever, even with your SO bankrolling the operation. Family counselling is my best suggestion. 

I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. I would say you should hold off on marriage and babies until they’re out on their own, but given what you’ve said I don’t know that will ever happen. Military school? (I kid). I feel bad for his kids, too. They’re doing what they’ve always known and what has always worked for them. The only way this improves is with consistency and reinforcement from all the adults in their lives. Maybe you should try a family counselling session with your SO and his mom, to get on the same page about how the kids will be handled from now on.

Post # 57
268 posts
Helper bee

Another thing to consider, don’ be surprised if these kids end up with children of their own in a few years that you’ll be responsible for raising.

Post # 59
1765 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

Regardless of everything, it still comes across as wrong that he doesn’t really raise his own children and then meets you, doesn’t have his kids live with you guys and then you start a new life together with a new baby. They may want to live with grandma now but honestly one day they’re going to get to a point where they think, hey, that was super shitty of dad to do. And then you’re dealing with resentment. Of course you have a right to be a mom and have a kid of your own, but you chose to be with someone who already has kids that he has obligations to. He can’t just ignore  them to start a new life with you. They should come first even before you. I honestly think still that the kids should move in with you guys because you can make changes in their lives. Grandma sounds like she’s spoiled them rotten & that’s not doing them any favors.

Post # 60
1599 posts
Bumble bee

helpmebees :  we aren’t suggesting you aren’t allowed to have the kids because the kids exist. YOU said in the OP that YOU want to wait until the kids move out (if they move in) before having a baby. A lot of us are dubious that if they move in they will end up moving out in time for you to have a baby.  So either, 1) insist they stay with their grandmother, or 2) have a baby when they’re still living there. 

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