Need advice about my mom

posted 3 months ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
2596 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Personally I don’t really see why you’d want her there at all.  You’re currently not speaking, she drinks heavily and starts drama, she writes she will smack you, and she’s upset that you’ll pay for your dad to attend your wedding (info that she shouldn’t even be privy to, since it’s none of her business).  I wouldn’t say a word about wedding plans and I’d be making the bigger decision to even invite her to the wedding at all.  If adults can’t handle being adults, they shouldn’t be invited to adult events.

Post # 3
Member
592 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 1996

I would definitely not invite her to go.  If she finds out that you went and she was not invited and she wants to know why, simply tell the truth.  I don’t see that you have any choice in this.

If she keeps this up, you may not even be able to invite her to your wedding, which is majorly sad.  But people who act inappropriately have to live with the consequences.

Post # 4
Member
5243 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2017

View original reply
@cjone280:  I’ve been no contact with my own mother for over a year now.

I’m glad that you’ve been able to set boundaries with her and the drinking and stirring up the family drama.

A part of you will probably always feel a sense of loss, especially with big events like your wedding. I wonder if that’s what you’re feeling now, and you’re mistaking it for feelings of guilt.

Society tells us that mothers play huge roles in our lives, they love us more than anything, they would lay down their lives for us. But in reality, they only love us in whatever capacity they can. Sometimes it’s best to keep them at a distance, and it sounds like you’ve learned that with your mom

I wouldn’t invite her, I would stand firm with your boundaries

Post # 5
Member
523 posts
Busy bee

I don’t have a bad relationship with my mom and I didn’t even bring her lol. You certainly don’t need to bring someone who is going to be drunk, picking fights, possibly even getting kicked out. Save yourself the hassle and go with out her. 

Post # 6
Member
4875 posts
Honey bee

Exactly what would it add to have your mother there?

Is she warm and supportive and likely to make you feel good about your shopping experience? 

Is she a tailor or fashion designer by trade and able to give you knowledgable advice about what styles look best on you and what alterations you need?

Is she financially contributing to the dress?

Or are you saying this because Hallmark movies gave you this notion that having your mother with you dress shopping legitimizes your wedding experience?

 

Only you can decide if you’ll regret it based on your relationship with her.  I would make sure your decision is reality-based though and decided based on the mom you have, not the mom you wish you could have or think she ought to be like for your wedding.  Your wedding isn’t magic so whoever she is and however she acts all the rest of the days of the year is exactly what she will be while dress shopping or during any other wedding related activity.

 

Post # 7
Member
3081 posts
Sugar bee

Why would you even invite her to the wedding, let alone dress shopping? 

Post # 8
Member
7845 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I understand the idealized desire to have her there but the reality is that she is a toxic person who has no place in a day where you are vulnerable and you hope to enjoy. Don’t succumb to her emotional blackmail re: your father or anything else–unless she is paying for it, it is none of her business. Put her on an information diet. “We’ve got it covered”, “we’re all set with that”, “you’ll see on the day” are all good non-answer responses. 

If you have any concerns at all that she may contact your vendors directly let them know you and your Fi are the only people with decision-making authority. 

Post # 9
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee

View original reply
@annabananabee:   “I would make sure your decision is reality-based though and decided based on the mom you have, not the mom you wish you could have or think she ought to be like for your wedding.  Your wedding isn’t magic so whoever she is and however she acts all the rest of the days of the year is exactly what she will be while dress shopping or during any other wedding related activity.”

Totally agree!

It’s hard when your relationship doesn’t match up with the things you see on slushy ‘mother’ memes and mother’s day cards, but many people don’t have that kind of relationship with their mothers.  It’s really tough, but long-term, it’s far better to set boundaries that work well with the mother you actually have.  Go on your own or with a supportive friend instead.

Post # 10
Member
5218 posts
Bee Keeper

If you want to manage an angry drunk when you’re looking at dresses, by all means invite her. If not, don’t even tell her you’re going. You’re not the only one who has mother problems, I assure you. My mother didnt do anything associated with my wedding because she was afraid she’d have to pay for something. And of course she criticized everything. Let it roll off.

Post # 15
Member
215 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2021

View original reply
@cjone280: Firstly, I am so sorry you have the mother you do. As someone who is getting married this June and is currently going through my own issues with my mother, if it were me, I would do it alone. It is a special experience and you don’t need her ruining it for you.

Her behaviour sounds very immature. It isn’t any of her business what you do with your money and she shouldn’t be threatening you the way she is.

My mother seems to think that just because she is my mother she has some sort of entitlement and that she can treat me any way she wants and control me and I will always be there because I am “HER daughter”. But you don’t owe her anything.

I used to feel sad about it, but now I know I can’t change her. I see mine very minimal now and feel happier and calmer than I have ever been.

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