(Closed) Need advice about weird family/SO situation

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
4824 posts
Honey bee

Without the speficics its really hard to comment. But from what I gather he isnt hurting anyone or anything with his hobby, but they want him to change? I think that is unreasonable of your parents. 

Its nice he has made some changes, but he shouldnt have to advertise them. It should be enough that he made them and you can relay the information or he can come along on the next visit and bring it up in conversation.

Post # 4
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Honestly, I think you should stand up for him to your parents and anything that he wants to say to them should come from him directly, rather than you forcing him to tell them what you and they want to hear. Think of it from his perspective, he may feel that your parents are being unreasonable or that the letter won’t do any good or that he doesn’t owe them an explanation.

If this issue is really important to you, sit down and tell him your feelings and why this means a lot to you. Don’t tell him what to do, just focus on your feelings. Listen to his feelings about this issue and why he has a problem doing this. Then decide whether he or your parents are more important.

Post # 5
Member
71 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

@msfahrenheit:  I agree. If he’s really the one, you’ll need to be on his team first, your parents’ team second. 

My guess is that your Boyfriend or Best Friend shoots at pictures of people or something, and your parents find it inappropriate? Just a wild guess. 

Anyway, if the target practice is the only thing keeping your parents from being kind to your partner, I say the burden is on your parents to apologize and be more open-minded. This is the person you love and choose to be with. It can be frustrating.

I would just bring your Boyfriend or Best Friend around more. Don’t hide from your differences. If your parents don’t like it, they can shut their mouths. I think you could remind them that someday this man will be the father of your potential children. They’d better make nice now! 

Post # 6
Member
1473 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I think it is really weird that your parents are asking him to change what he loves to do because if he does, it shows he respects you? No offense, but that is wrong. When you are in love with someone and want to spend forever with them, you shouldn’t try to change them. And it sounds as though it’s not an issue for you, but your parents because he practices shooting? I’m sorry but if I were in your shoes, I’d tell my parents to stuff it.

I don’t blame your Fiance for draggin his feet over the letter, it’s pointless in my opinion and probably in his too. He probably loves you very much and would he ever ask you to chnage something you like to do? Probably not and if he did, then he would probably be disrespecting you. Double stnadards are never any fun.

Luckily, your SO must really love you to want to please yoour parents…shouldn’t that say enough???

If I were you, I’d talk to the parents and tell them to knock it off. You’re a grown woman, he is a grown man and you can both make your own choices with the things you like to do as hobbies. I’m sorry if I offended you, but this is a tad ridiculous.

Post # 7
Member
2747 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I agree with PPs.  You should be standing up for your Fiance, not badgering him for a letter.  He must really love you to even consider doing that. =/

Post # 8
Member
14661 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Honestly… It really sounds like your parents are trying to manipulate him by using his love for you and trying to twist his arm to see how far he is willing to go to prove it to them.  Not cool.  They dont like him because of a harmless hobby that you have no problem with and want him to change his ways for them to show respect for you?   And now they want a letter from him.. to tell them what exactly??  What can a letter do to show them anything about him that a face to face talk wont do?  Or why is it not enough to hear what you say about him?  My parents opinion is very important to me as well, so I understand that you would want him to do this to help the situation, but from an outside perpective, it really looks like your parents are being pretty manipulative.

Post # 9
Member
4324 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

Yeah, I agree you need to stand behind your Boyfriend or Best Friend on this one. This is sort of a test for him to see where your heart is, and I don’t think he would feel like you’re “on his side” for this one. 

Your parents are very much treating you (and him) like children. If you want to be taken seriously by your parents, you must interact with them like an adult and tell them that what they are asking is inappropriate. His hobby is just that; A HOBBY, and is not hurting anyone. What if your father loves to fish, but your Boyfriend or Best Friend didn’t? What if your Boyfriend or Best Friend demanded a letter from your father indicating that he was sorry for catching, scaling, killing, cooking, and eating his fish, and demanded him to participate in catch-and-release? What if he took it a step further and berated your father for utilizing a hook to catch fish with, even if he wanted to throw them back? 

THings get out of hand easily, and with your parents, it’s crossed the line. Tell them gently that for your sake, they should at least try to look past that ONE detail of your Boyfriend or Best Friend that they dislike, and try to uncover all the amazing qualities about him that makes him so great for you. It’s unfair of them to be so judgy, and tell them that being in the middle of these shenanigans is stressful to you, and you would appreciate it if they would treat him with the same respect they would any other grown man they would encounter. By asking that he change, they are exercising control over him AND your relationship, and their hand in your personal affairs is very inappropriate.

Post # 10
Member
1103 posts
Bumble bee

I agree with the others. Your parents are being unreasonable, and it sounds like your Boyfriend or Best Friend has gone above and beyond by even thinking about writing them a letter! It’s time to start drawing some boundaries, and for your parents to start trusting you. Surely they can see when they spend time with you (even without your BF) that you are a happy girl in a loving relationship. They should trust that, and accept the fact that there are some things in life you just can’t change. I’m sure there’s things about my Darling Husband my parents wish were different, but at the end of the day I’ve chosen him, he’s a good man who makes me happy, and that’s what matters. You should tell your parents the letter won’t be coming, because you don’t want your Boyfriend or Best Friend to write it. You need to be on his team – don’t blame him for not writing it. Just tell them it’s not happening, and they need to start accepting him as a part of their family and a whole person (yes, with some faults, because everyone has them) who makes you very happy.

Post # 11
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

 Yeah I’m going to add to the chorus. I personally dislike guns and hunting both things my Future in-laws do, and my Fi does a couple times of years. While I disagree with this I wouldn’t dream of telling him or his family to stop as it’s not my place, they are adults and can make up their own mind. I think you need to step up and speak to your parents,  about boundaries and respect.

I think also having him write a letter to them is a power play of some sort, and basically reducing your So to a child like level. I think this isn’t a fair request, and I actually think it is disrespectful to your So. Your parents need to be adults and simply learn to 1. Mind their own business 2. Respect the fact that people who are adults have the right to make their own choices and have a difference of opinion to their position. 3. Agree to disagree on this subject. It really seems to be a petty reason to dislike and disapprove of your partner.

Post # 12
Member
4324 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@TwoCityBride:  Agreed. It seems like the parents are reluctant to let their little girl be a woman, and are exercising their parent-ness to stay in control, and thus, important and relevant to their daughter. 

OP: This is completely normal. It’s going to take some time for both you and your parents to get into the habit of speaking as adults to adults, and not the parent-child roles. Think about it– you guys have been in that habit of communication for two decades (give or take). It’s going to be different, and there might be some resistance, but once you get over that hurdle, things will be amazing, and you might find yourself enjoying your parents even more on a different level. 

If it helps you to establish healthy boundaries, you might want to seek a counselor’s advice to make sure you’re progressing at a healthy rate.

Post # 13
Member
673 posts
Busy bee

I am with others on this that you need to stand up for your guy. I admit bias because I am a gun owner and also a recreational target shooter. There’s nothing wrong with it, nor is it illegal. Unless he’s doing something jeopardize your safety with it, it is none of their damn business. If you had kids to worry about, the only relevant questions they might ask would be related to safe storage.

He doesn’t owe them a letter as a sign of respect for you. That’s completely something to make themselves feel high and mighty on this. The fact that you said the issue has largely faded into the background, they generally avoid one another so it doesn’t come up, and they just make this demand out of nowhere? Something is beyond weird about it.

You’re basically asking him to submit to any bizarre demands your parents make of him, no matter how irrational if you make him do this. Again, there may be context that you’re leaving out of the post that could change this perspective, but what you posted makes this letter demand sound extremely irrational. He’s right to be hestitant about doing it because you are basically asking him to go ahead and start giving into your parents, even when they demand something irrational. He may well be asking himself when you will stand up for him? If you have kids who start to participate – there are great junior shooting programs all around New England that have resulted in some Olympic shooters and college scholarships for others – will you demand they right letters to their grandparents addressing whatever issue your parents seem to have with it?

This just sounds beyond bizarre, and he’s right avoid doing this. Value him. Value what’s important to him. Tell your parents to drop it. If they respect you, they will do it – and don’t even need to write a letter.

Post # 14
Member
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@JM1217:  I agree completely, well said!

OP, seems you either need to choose between your parents happiness or your SO’s. By forcing your Fh to write this letter, it is giving your parents a control over the relationship that doesn’t seem appropriate between two adults (it’s not like you two are still in middle school)

Post # 16
Member
4324 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 1992

@Creiddylad:  Ultimately, it’s your choice, but if they receive that letter, they win because they still have “power over” you. 

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