(Closed) Need advice and help on how to tell mom her A-hole BF is NOT invited!!!!

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 46
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

LMFAO @ “I just don’t think etiquette applies to someone who calls you a whore.”  My thoughts exactly!

Post # 48
Member
1875 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@redheadem:  If the bride and groom want the wedding to be all about them then they should elope.  Unfortuantely, as I’ve said before, once they invite other people, it stops being all about them.  As I see it, inviting people one does not like is a consequence of choosing to include people on their wedding day.  I get that you don’t want to invite people that insult you, I really do.  But just because someone is rude to you doesn’t excuse you from being rude to them.  I’m all about being the bigger person in situations like these – kill them with kindness!

Post # 49
Member
662 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Can you sit them both down together and have a conversation? Explain to them that this man has caused a lot of drama and upset in your relationship, and while it’s very important to have your mom there, it’s equally as important to be able to share your day with those who have loved and supported the both of you.

I agree that etiquette goes by the wayside when someone is so blatantly rude to you.

Do you really want your Fiance to be pissed off and upset on his (and your) wedding day all for the sake of proper etiquette?

Post # 51
Member
458 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@greenmachine838:  I could agree more… 

OP- this is you and your FI’s final decision.  But the consequence could mean that your mom won’t attend.  I am face with this issue right now with my dad and he is most likely NOT attending because I refuse to invite his current wife to our wedding.

Post # 52
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@RunsWithBears:  But that’s just it, you CAN pick and choose who you want to socialize with even when it comes to weddings.  If my mother’s BF called me a whore and got into physical alterations with my Fiance he would not be welcome, I don’t care what etiquette says.  Attending a wedding is a privilege, not a right despite what many on these boards think.  I totally get what you are saying about having to invite SOs under “normal” circumstances, but I just do not agree that the B&G should put themselves in an uncomfortable situation on what’s supposed to be THEIR day just so that mom can bring someone who despises the couple they are there to celebrate.  If they just didn’t like how the guy smelled or something I could 1000% agree with you and tell them to “suck it up” but the BF called the bride a WHORE!  (LOL! Just saying it makes me SMDH).  I think the etiquette rules can take a flying leap in this case.  THE BF probably does not even want to be there. 

Post # 53
Member
940 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I don’t understand why the bride and groom have to give a plus one period? No etiquette says you HAVE to invite SO’s, we see it on here every day that due to guest list constraints that SOs are not being invited. I don’t see this as an etiquette issue. And, I personally wouldn’t invite the jerk. Your mom should choose you, OP, for the few hours she will have to not be with him to be at your wedding and share your day. I hope that she does. If not, I hope you can get past it.

Post # 54
Member
1304 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@RunsWithBears:  “As I see it, inviting people one does not like is a consequence of choosing to include people on their wedding day. I get that you don’t want to invite people that insult you, I really do. But just because someone is rude to you doesn’t excuse you from being rude to them. I’m all about being the bigger person in situations like these – kill them with kindness!

WOW!!  All I can say is you are a MUCH better person than I am!  Seriously (not meant in a snarky way at all)!  I get that once you decide to not elope, the reception and wedding become about more than the bride and groom but REALLY?  So I should invite people I straight up hate that just happen to be in a relationship with someone I actually care for just so that no one calls me rude?  WOW!  I should’ve eloped then cuz a lot of people are calling me rude right now.

Post # 55
Member
3683 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@RunsWithBears:  I’ll have to respectfully disagree with you on this one.  Killing someone with kindness is appropriate in some cases, like if you’ve got a snarky coworker, or you’re trying to keep peace with your ILs.  This is a more serious situation.  If the OP didn’t like mom’s boyfriend because he was merely rude or they clash once in a while, then it would be worth sucking up.    But OP can barely take being with this guy for an hour, he’s called her a whore, he’s cheated on her mom, and has treated OP and her Fiance like crap.  I know hostesses should accomodate their guests, but it should be done within reason.  If OP and her Fiance don’t want to see this douchebag on the day of their wedding, they shouldn’t have to.

Post # 56
Member
1875 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@VegasSukie:  Yeah… I guess I think you need to invite them.  Unless they are so mean to you that it can be considered emotional abuse (I don’t see calling someone a whore once qualifies though) – then the BF does not get invited.  And if OP’s Fiance and the BF actually did get in a fist fight, then I agree hands down that the BF should not be invited in that situation as well.  It’s not so much that other people will think you’re being rude, it’s so that the guest with the SO that you hate feels comfortable and welcome.  You’re not doing it for the terrible SO, you’re doing it for your guest.  I guess I just don’t think weddings are the time to express how you feel about someone’s relationship and his/her SO.  I mean, how awkward and bad would you feel if you got invited to a wedding but your SO did not but the rest of your friends got to bring their SOs?  I think

View original reply
@Bostongrl25:  said it best when she said that they are a package deal right now and it just sucks.

 

OP, I didn’t mean to imply that you are a bad host.  My comments were in response to people asking why you need to invite people you don’t like.  I know it’s a very difficult situation and I can understand why you don’t want him there.  But I still think you should invite him (unless he is emotionaly or physically abusive to you or your Fiance or has a criminal record or tried to break you and your Fiance up).  Something else to consider is how would your mom’s BF react if he finds out he’s not invited?  Would he create more drama?  Would he take it out on your mom?  You don’t have to answer, but it’s something else to keep in mind.  It might just be easier in the long run to invite him to your wedding, say hello once, and just ingnore the hell out of him the rest of the night.  You wouldn’t do it for his sake, you’d do it for your mother’s.

Post # 57
Member
2223 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t agree with the consensus. If etiquette says you don’t have to invite him if he’s abusive, then I think he’s more than proven that that is the way he is. He is emotionally and verbally abusive. That right there tells me he can’t come. 

Post # 58
Member
1835 posts
Buzzing bee

@MeganTacky2247:  Trust me, I know how you feel – I absolutely LOATHE and detest my (former) stepfather’s new wife. She’s a terrible person who has treated my brothers poorly, made nothing but nasty comments about me and my mother since the day she met us, etc. However, I do really want him at the wedding because he was my father-figure growing up and in the end I realized that him beign there is FAR more important than having to deal with her for a day or so.

Perfect world = you never have to invite anyone to events, especially your wedding, who you don’t like or have problems with.

However, like PP said there are consequences to actions – his consequences are you don’t want him there. But your consequences for not wanting him there are that your mom might not show.

 

Post # 59
Member
1875 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Also, FTR, while I do think you should invite him, I think your mom should also recognize that you and your Fiance don’t like him one bit and not bring him out of respect for you.

Post # 60
Member
2721 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

“Its not that Fiance wants me to choose. Its that this guy has treated someone who Fiance loves (me) like total trash. And thats why Fiance doesnt like him. If anyone treats me wrong, Fiance wants to protect me and stand up for me.”

@MeganTacky2247:  Your Fiance is a keeper!  I say just invite your mother (no boyfriend) and let the chips fall where they may.  If she chooses the boyfriend over her own child, well, she’s not much of a mother.  

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