(Closed) Need Advice and to Vent!

posted 5 years ago in Married Life
Post # 16
Member
1617 posts
Bumble bee

Your husband is selfish. He either learns to share and learns the concept of “our money” or he can learn to live without you.

Post # 17
Member
904 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

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beebee1983 :   that’s what we do. I think everything should be shared when married.

Post # 18
Member
16 posts
Newbee

Dear Unsure, There is a fundamental values issue with you and husband. You are no longer roommates, but life mates. As a result, sharing and caring for each other should not be a mathematical excercise. He seems to me, not to be able to comprehend this simple fact. As a result, I do not believe that time will make the situation better. My suggestion is marriage counseling, as this is a behavior that stems from a deep belief that each of you should take out of the relationship what you bring in. I know couple who operate under that model, but many have a discussion prior to entering a marriage. Even then, I don’t understand it. Sharing and caring for each other means just that…he is not doing either. Sorry, but either push for counseling or choose to live a life with a selfish prick.

Post # 19
Member
5995 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Thinking a bit more, there seems to be a pattern here where you pay for things and he just accepts it because he can get away with it. This happened when you funded the whole wedding, and then again when you buy presents for his family. Perhaps unintentionally, you’re being a financial doormat.

I think it’s time to play hardball. Unless he agrees to share finances, then until he pays enough into the shared account to cover 50% of the wedding, 50% of all gifts you’ve bought for his family, and 50% of the vet bill, you contribute NOTHING to the shared account. 

Post # 20
Member
859 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Being married means being on the same team. I’m not married yet, but my fiancé and I live together so we have to split expenses. I make significantly more than he does, but I contribute significantly more so each of us has an equal financial burden.

What he’s doing to you is unfair and just plain selfish. Also I’m basically an old cat lady, so the cat thing for me would have been an insta-divorce. Hell no. 

Post # 21
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee

Edit!

Post # 22
Member
2787 posts
Sugar bee

Sorry, I would cut my losses. The type of attitude with your husband is not one I could handle long term and it doesn’t sound like a short term aspect. Even if he doesn’t care about the cat, the fact he refused to help a suffering being (one that’s important to you to boot) would be the end all. 

To me, once we are married, we are one unit. Yes, I like to keep our bills even if we are both working but we do not pick apart every fine detail…and we don’t stress helping out one another with extra things needed because it’s a part of a partnership for us. If either of us made much more than the other then we would want to help the other succeed by having them focus more on any debts/savings. No question about it.

I’ve only known one couple to be tedious about splitting costs. So much so that when the wife ordered pizza, she would pay an extra percent of the costs because she wanted the corner pieces of the pizza to herself..yeah…all I can say is they divorced after a few short years. It may work for some certainly but it wouldn’t work for me and it’s okay to decide that it doesn’t for you either.

Good luck. Also I’m not really sure what you meant by it being a huge deal for male cats…male or female, not being able to pee is a huge deal and very painful. I’m glad your mom came through in helping your cat. If I was your parent, I would really be judging your partner right about now. 

Post # 23
Member
176 posts
Blushing bee

Edit!

Post # 24
Member
639 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

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unsure123456 :  girl, he is using you! And suckling you dry financially. Split money based on your income %. He makes 2x what u do, he pays 200% what you do. Also, if your fur baby is your problem, his parents presents are his problem. All I’ve heard here is that you are better off leaving for a city where you can find a job. A roomie may help with the cat (joint cat…right?) and will cover their expenses like presents more than your DH does.

Leaving is dramatic though. Presenting him with an accounting of this year’s stuff and how joint stuff falls 50% on you and you are paying for his stuff like presents isn’t ok. I think you’ll be suprised that you are paying for a lot more than u thought too which is why I say track it in full. Also, if you leave you’ll probably get alimony. Not great….but it sounds like your better off wo him and that should be a wake up call to him that he isn’t respecting you or treating you right. He doesn’t sound supportive or respectful.

Post # 25
Member
940 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Edit 🙂

Post # 26
Member
7235 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

My father told me something years ago (when I was on a self-righteous rant about 50/50 partnerships) that stuck with me- things cannot always be 50/50. There will be times when one has to carry the other more; there will be times when the other has to carry you both. There will be certain arenas where one of you will always be stronger and the other will always be at a deficit. Pushing for a strict 50/50 split under your circumstances is not fair or equitable. It would be more fair for you to pay percentages according to what you bring in.

I would never stay with someone who was okay with me working three jobs and 80 hours a week while he was able to have things significantly easier. I also wouldn’t stay in a challenging employment/financial situation for someone who didn’t make it worthwhile and, in fact, made things more challenging for me. If I were you, I would apply for jobs in the new intended location and, if I got one, I’d take it and move and let him catch up.

Post # 27
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

He sounds stingy, self-centered and just outright taking advantage of you. He needs to compromise, if not, I’m afraid it won’t work.

Post # 30
Member
914 posts
Busy bee

Honestly, he doesn’t sound generous when it comes to money. Not married yet, and I’m currently job searching, but when I was working full time and my guy and I moved in together, we looked at our finances and he was making a great deal more than I was, and we divided it up based on the percentage of what I made versus him. We did not split 50/50, because he wanted a lifestyle based on his income, not mine. If he had agreed to live based on my income, then I would’ve split 50/50.

Basically, if your husband wants a standard of living based on his income, then he needs to pay more than you. 

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