(Closed) Need advice asap! Fiancee got multiple lap dances at bachelor party =(

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
899 posts
Busy bee

I’ll never understand why some men will choose to go to strip clubs when they’re soon-to-be wife clearly feels uncomfortable about it. Is it that important to cavort around with naked women before they’re married? I really can’t think of a worse way to start a marriage. 

Post # 33
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I am sorry you feel hurt but you dont see the big picture. He respected your rules and you are still upset. I think it has more to do with your self esteem then it has to do with your Fiance. You have feelings that you may not have been aware of until the bachelor party and they came to the surface. Your Fiance chose you and his honesty to call you and tell you only means he had nothing to hid. It would be wise to look inward and work on what it is that caused you to feel less than when that was never the issue. It seems these emotions are more to do with you than your Fiance. 

Post # 34
Member
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

This is not even close to cheating. You need to get a grip, this is completely unfair to him in my book. If you said no strip clubs and he agreed (which I think it ridiculous too but that is another story) then I may understand but you said no touching. He didn’t touch, most lap dances dont allow touching at all. He followed your rules and now you are changing them.

That sucks

Post # 35
Member
735 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@DefyingGravity: Personally, I don’t have a huge problem with my husband going to a strip club.  He says he doesn’t really enjoy them (“they’re not kept especially clean and just aren’t that much fun”)  and only goes when he’s with a group of his out-of-town guy friends. (And occaisionally with questionable business contacts, but that’s it’s own kind of messed up.)

Just because I shrug and roll my eyes doesn’t mean that every couple is comfortable with that arrangement though.  It’s important to figure out what constitutes “cheating” in your relationship – and if you can’t agree on common grounds, realize that this could be a very difficult relationship.

To help you with the doubt and feelings you’re already having, I’ll share this: Because my DH doesn’t seem all that excited about the clubs I’ve been given some very good insight. 

  1. The girls are never as pretty as you imagine/as the ones on TV & in the movies.
  2. It’s actually pretty awkward to get a lap dance – all your buddies are watching and a lot of clubs have a “no touching the dancers” rule – even during the lap dances
  3. A bachelor party at a strip club is a lot more fun for all the friends than for the groom-to-be.  The groom tends to get embarrassed and his pals (and occasionally strangers) buy lap dances for him
  4. Never eat the buffet.  (Random, but …)
  5. You want to shower immediately when you leave – unless you like smelling like odd perfumes and being covered in glitter from strangers.  This is not a tell-tale that the man is hiding anything!
  6. It’s sometimes fun to see new boobs, but none of those women are ever going to live up to the special woman in his life.
  7. Online porn is a lot more fun

I wouldn’t be as upset as you are, and I think that it might be a little extreme to be unable to stop crying two weeks later… but feelings can’t be controlled, only your response to them.  Are you this upset because he was at the strip club & got dances?  Or is this about you feeling he misled you about his intentions?  Or is it really all about you feeling like you don’t measure up because there were strippers?

If it’s about him going to the club:  That action is in the past.  You laid down guidelines and he abided by the letter of the law; perhaps the two of you had diffrent interpretations of the “spirit of the law”.  You should talk about it with him.  Calmly.

If it’s about him “misleading” you:  Talk about how badly you feel and let him know that you think he did something that he KNEW you wouldn’t approve of.  See how he responds.  If you two are on totally different wavelenghts and can’t resolve the hurt, you may need to postpone your marriage. 🙁

If it’s about body insecurities/not measuring up: relax a little.  He wants to marry you – and still does even after the “beautiful tall skinny strippers with their boobs in his face.” You should talk to Fiance about this too.  Perhaps starting with “I was hurt by your actions at your bachelor party.  I’m not always 1005 confident about my body, and imagining you getting lap dances makes me more unsure of myself.  I understand that you didn’t touch them, but I keep thinking you’ll go back to see more beautiful women, and eventually decide that I’m not what you want to come home to anymore.”  – Unless he’s really insensitive, he ought to be able to understand what you are saying; and I suspect he’ll set about reassuing you.

Post # 36
Member
2902 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

View original reply
@UmbrellaMoon:  excellent post. This should be cut and paste every time someone comes online with this issue.

Post # 37
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

Doesn’t a stripper TOUCH a man during a lap dance? Isn’t that what a lap dance is? I read it as no touching the stripper, as in…NO contact, not, she can touch you but as long as you don’t touch her that’s cool. I took it as you can go to a strip club to LOOK but NO touching…which he violated by getting the dances. 

personally I told my DH no lap dances. Not just no touching. I don’t think OP is over-reacting at all, but she does need to decide if she can truly get over it and let it go, and time MIGHT be the only thing that answers that. I guess OP has to decide if her Fiance was innocently following her “rule” or if he knew she meant NO contact (which if she is upset, I think she meant)

Post # 38
Member
1341 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@DefyingGravity:  He’s justifying it on a technicality. You said no touching.  He interpreted that as he couldn’t touch.  So in his mind, it’s okay if there’s touching as long as it wasn’t from him.  

 

My opinion is, he knew what you meant, you shouldn’t have had to spell it out.  

 

Also, I agree with PP’s, he absolutely was egged on, that’s what they do.

 

Hang in there, it’s hard, I completely understand.  

Post # 39
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

IT depends on the the laws where you are, but in most of the strip clubs I’ve been in, strippers are not allowed to touch customers, period.  If they are caught touching, they can be suspended, which is a huge loss of income to them.

The fact is, most strippers are not that hot and not that special. I’ve seen some pretty horrid ones, actually.

I concur–this is about the OP’s personal insecurities and not what he did. It is not fair to punish him by abiding by the rules you established.

Post # 40
Member
9816 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Lesson learned, don’t tell a man “strippers are ok” if you’re going to freak out when he actually looks at them/gets a lap dance. Did you think he was going to a strip club to have intelligent conversation and tea?

Post # 41
Member
2267 posts
Buzzing bee

Isn’t a lap dance when they dance on your lap? I’m confused. By getting a lap dance, there is physical contact, isn’t there? Isn’t that what “touch” means?

Or am I thinking of something else? 

Post # 42
Member
857 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

View original reply
@KatyElle:  Hahahaha, THIS 

 

To the OP, i’m sorry you’re upset, but as many other posters have said, your guy followed the rules, was honest to you, and offered to never go back. It is your problem, not his, he did nothing wrong. 

Post # 43
Member
2398 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Its a stripclub, those things happen there. 

Post # 44
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Depending on the laws where you live, generally a lap dance involves her dancing in front of you, not actually sitting on your lap.  And there are plenty of big burly men ready to turf your a** out the door if you touch her.

Post # 45
Member
1397 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think him “not touching” but getting a lap dance is getting by on a technicality, and I don’t like that kinda stuff personally. And about being “egged on…” ugh. I’m sure he was, but he’s an adult and needs to be his own person, so “my friends told me to!” isn’t really an excuse in my book.

 

It’s good that he told you, though. At least he was honest about that. And I agree that this will hurt less with time. I understand why you’re heartbroken right now, but I think it’ll be okay. He’s with you and he loves you, and you just need to remember that. Also, take what you’ve learned from this experience about communication and limits. You now have a better idea of how specific to be and what makes you uncomfortable.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

Post # 46
Member
2267 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
@Angelz_love:  That’s what I was confused about. Unless it’s called a “hover lap” dance??

It’s obvious that the OP is insecure. I don’t think she needs a bunch of people telling her “Get over it you’re soooo insecure omgsh!” She already said that she feels insecure, and she already stated that it’s uncharacteristic of her.

She asked for how to get over it, not people throwing in her face that she’s being overdramatic and insecure. Who would want that? I’d feel terrible if I came to this site for support and instead I was met with “Ugh get over it.”

There’s always the possibility that she thought she’d be fine with it but it turned out she wasn’t. I’m sure that’s happened to at least one other person here. Her insecurities got the best of her on this one. It’s okay, it happens. And maybe she’s the type of person that needs longer to get over something. I’m the opposite. Give me 10 minutes to pout and I’m done. Everyone is different and I think a lot of you are being a little bit too harsh on her.

The topic ‘Need advice asap! Fiancee got multiple lap dances at bachelor party =(’ is closed to new replies.

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