(Closed) Need advice asap! Fiancee got multiple lap dances at bachelor party =(

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 92
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

@DefyingGravity:  i really think you should ‘man up’. this is par for the course on stag nights. my hubby had one, only she was a right stinker, literally! put him off for life lol but if she had been gorgeous, it wouldnt have bothered me either, its a day job to her, im sure she has an equally gorgeous man she was dying to get home to.

edited to say: plus the fact he flippin adores me and would not have disrespected me by cheating. thats not to say it will never happen, but its physically not possible in those clubs, there are heavies *everywhere* and they have to sit on their hands according to hubs so theres no way your bloke touched her.

Post # 93
Member
195 posts
Blushing bee

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@KatyElle:  you’re right.  When you say you are okay with a stripper you have to accept everything that goes along with that.  OP should have never said she was okay with it to begin with.

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@bunnyharriet:  I’m not trying to come off condescending I just think OP shouldn’t be upset if she said she was okay with strippers to begin with.  Guys tend to be straight forward and her Fiance did what he was told.  It comes off as OP being insecure if she is THIS upset about it when she said she was okay with strippers to begin with.  OP should have been more clear with her Fiance and there shouldn’t be so much hate towards him for what happened. 

 

Post # 94
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@LibraryBlondie:  Thank you! Lap dances happen at the table, private dances happen in a private or semi-private room. The last private dance I had was actually just behind a barrier about shoulder high with a mirror angled so bouncers could watch and ensure NO TOUCHING. 

As has been said, don’t say you’re okay with something and then freak out after the fact. It’s not good for your relationship and it’s unfair to your husband. 

Post # 95
Member
2779 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@LibraryBlondie:  Any club I have gone to the ‘private dance is held off in the corner and is just the same striptease done for the smaller group, most often the clubs have areas sectioned off with mini stages for these  private dances.

A lap dance is so called because it requires the stripper to dance in the customers lap, typically grinding, rubbing her ass on his crotch. 

OP’s Fiance getting a lap dance would be breaking their no touching agreement, if he had a problem with that groundrule he shouldn’t have agreed to it. 

I have watched private dances in clubs, they are not actually private, it’s just not on the main stage where everyone else is watching. 

Unless you pay for the “champagne room’ you typically stay in the public area of the club at all times.

As for the OP not being “clear enough” how much more clear does she have to get then no touching? list the different aspects of touching that are possible and say no to them each individually?

Strip clubs can be attended without lap dances and that is what the OP agreed to, him going to see strippers but having a no touching agreement.

Lap dance = touching! 

Post # 96
Member
2779 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@Nautigirl:  No one is arguing where the lap dance takes place, they are only arguing that a lap dance is when the stripper dances on the customer. I agree and stated private dances are different then lap dances, but lap dances don’t invovle the stripper dancing near the customer, it invovles her dancing on the customer, therefore toucvhing the customer.

And the stripper touching the op’s Fiance would be breaking their agreement. It doesn’t matter whether or not you agree with strip clubs or not. Personally I never understand girls that demand their men not ever watch porn or go to a strip club. 

But i fully understand and respect agreed upon boundaries, and here they agreed to no kissing or touching, and he didn’t keep to their agreement. Therefore OP is not over-reacting about this.

Post # 97
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@drummerbride:  And my point is twofold: first of all, depending where the OP is, it may be illegal for the stripper to touch him (lap dance or private dance) and second, I have never, ever had a lapdance where the stripper grinded in my lap or touched me with her breasts (private dance, yes) regardless of where I was.  That’s not to say it couldn’t happen, but it is to say it’s unlikely it happened.

Anyhow, i can appreciate she’s upset. But I can also appreciate that her future husband must be shaking his head. I think this has nothing to do with strippers, and everything to do with how the OP feels about herself.

 

Post # 98
Member
2779 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@Nautigirl:  Yes, region determines what could be meant by lap dance. In Canada it is perfectly legal for private room dances, physical contact lap dances, etc, as long as the customers cannot touch the strippers. The supreme court actually had a case where they deemed these things to not be considered prostitution. 

Many of the states still don’t even have nude bars, just topless ones. And it even various from club to club. But ultimately a lap dance is just that a dance performed while sitting in someone’s lap, not all that sexy for women but men tend to get fully aroused or even cum depending on the length of the lap dance. 

And even then, the bouncers make sure for no touching, sure, but often times many clubs don’t prevent the girls from offering up more, many clubs even pomote the idea for the girls to offer more and take a cut. Very much like a pimip in that case. Legal or not, it happens at many stripclubs, and the bouncers tend to look the other way when the girl is clearly okay with what is going on.

The OP being insecure probably is an issue, otherwise she wouldn’t have said anything about how the strippers possibly were more attractive then her. It’s possible, but in my experience highly unlikely. That shouldn’t have been the only deciding factor before people commented though, many basically attacked her calling her insecure and saying she needs to get over it. Her insecurities don’t change the fact that lap dances usually equate to touching, and if the stripper touched him it breaks their agreement, making the Fiance in the wrong here.

 As for your experience with lap dances and private dances, some strippers get off when women get the lap dance or private dances, they absolutely love it and many clubs even remove the no touching rule for female customers. Many other strippers,  don’t and realize that they are less likely to get huge tips from women and so they don’t give them the same treatment.

A stripper’s job is to try to get any money they can out of the customers, anyway they need to.

Post # 99
Member
291 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

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@drummerbride: just my opinion but i really dont think he was in the wrong; the dancer touched *him* voluntarily making him perfectly innocent in the scenario, how can he be blamed for someone elses voluntary actions?

to the poster: lets not forget, there are perfectly logical reasons why those clubs are so dark, a multitude of flaws/blemishes/orange peel etc can be hidden. i doubt that they were truly gorgeous in the harsh light of day; my husband’s certainly wasnt! so cheer up, its not all gloom 😀

 

Post # 100
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@drummerbride:  No offence, but you can’t say “in Canada” because not only does it vary from province to province, but from municipality to muncipality. Within a 10 hour drive (Ottawa-Whitby-Toronto-Mississagua-Niagra falls) you could get 5 very different experiences. Also, those “extras” (everything is available for the right price) are never provided at the club, and I’ve only been to one club where the setup for something like that would even be feasible.

The fact is, without knowing the specifics of where this poster is and what the laws are there, you can’t assume there was even any physical contact between the stripper and the Fiance.  You just can’t. Therefore, you can’t assume he broke their “agreement”.

Have you every been to a Chippendale’s type show? I’ll tell you, if a man EVER behaved the same way in a strip club as women behave at those, his a** would be on a sidewalk so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him.  Having observed many men in strip clubs, I think they deserve more credit than they seem to get in this thread.

Post # 101
Member
1684 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@KatyElle:  

I often think that these situations are unconscious man-traps. No matter what the rules are, the only way to win is not to play.

What’s supposed to happen, after the woman shows how cool she is by allowing strippers as a part of the stag, is that the man says, “I could never want to look at another woman naked, my darling. The very thought disgusts me and shrivels my weiner. For my stag night, the lads and I shall go bowling instead, and have a raucous good time!”

What actually happens is the man takes the woman at her word, goes out with his friends, follows the limits set down, and fails the test. 

Every time. It’s like Groundhog Day. 

Post # 102
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

I’d be pissed! To all those Bees telling OP to get over it, that’s great you feel a certain way about strippers in your relationship but not all of us do, and there is nothing wrong with that.

Personally I don’t believe because OP said she was ok with strippers that makes it OK for her Fiance to get lap dances. I’ve been to many a strip club, looking at girls get naked up on stage (they do in Australia) and having a woman do a dance just for you (where there is normally a rule you can’t touch, but she can place your hands on her if she wants) are two entirely different things. 

Doing it 6-7 times when it was made clear she wasn’t comfortable with kissing or touching is crossing the line (I like to think men are smart enough to work out what’s not ok without it being spelt out to them).

While I don’t think this is something I would leave my man for, there would definately be tension and if it ever happened again I would be out – not the best start to a marriage.

Post # 103
Member
9814 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@Elvis:  Eeeeeeeexactly. Better to just be “that girl” and say no way to strip clubs. If he feels that is unreasonable you can go from there.

Post # 104
Member
133 posts
Blushing bee

I’m don’t really want to get super-involved in this post, but for all the people saying the guy shouldn’t have had a lap dance, in my experience, that’s not really how it works. Somebody pays the stripper to do it; then 2 seconds later, she’s in your lap. What’s the guy supposed to do? Push her off, and tell her to refund his friend’s money? He probably had absolutely no say at all if his friends instigated it; in fact, he may have even argued against it. But at the point that the money is exchanged between friend and stripper, there’s really no going back…

Post # 105
Member
1070 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

Just as an FYI:  Laws about strip clubs vary WIDELY from country to country.  In the US we hve three different levels of law that govern strip clubs, local, state, and national.  Rules and enforcement of the law can also vary from club to club.  Therefore it is COMPLETElY unfair and out of line for all these previous posters to tell the OP “There is always touching”.  No there isn’t that is simply a factually untrue statement.  That might be the norm in your area, but it is not the norm everywhere. 

OP: If you want to know what went on at the strip club and you don’t know if you should trust what your Fiance is saying I suggest you simply google the name of the strip club he went to.  There are trustworthy reviews of strip clubs on sites like yelp and other review sites.  These reviews will often detail if touching is allowed at the club or not.  It is VERY possible that your Fiance got a lap dance and NEVER put his hands on a stripper.  Honestly you should trust your Fiance a lot more thatn a bunch of random people on the internet.  Please do not let yourself fill your mind with images of your Fiance touching strippers etc.  That isn’t necesarily what happened.  I think you should have an honest talk with him and be more clear about your boundaries in the future.  I’m sorry this happened, I hope everything works out for you.

Post # 106
Member
1853 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Hope you’re feeling semi-better, OP!

 

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