- 2 years ago
- Wedding: August 2018
Looking for input/sanity check. A month ago, my aunt emailed, asking if my 30-yr old cousin could bring her boyfriend to our wedding. I’m not super close to my aunt or cousin, but this was the first that I or my parents had ever heard of her having a boyfriend. In discussion w/ my parents & fiance, and given limited venue space, we said no, we are limiting it to married/engaged couples only (in reality, folks living together are also invited, but the truth is we have no idea who this person is–we weren’t even given a name– and have never met him so were not crazy about inviting him).
A month goes by. Meanwhile, the invites have been addressed. Yesterday, my aunt responds that she never got my email (my parents were cc’d on it, so I know it sent), so it turns out she just decided to tell my cousin’s boyfriend to adjust his work schedule to come to the wedding anyway, “so please include him, it would be difficult not to, especially now.” And then she throws in that they have been a common law couple for 3 years.
Is it just me or is this passive-aggressive?! I find it interesting that only after I sent my email (which she supposedly never received) specifying “married/engaged only” does she volunteer that they are a common law couple. And if they’ve been together for 3yrs, how have none of us even heard of this person, especially when my aunt visited my parents 2 months ago and knew we were finalizing the guest list? I hate to think this, but I can’t help but think she didn’t like our decision, so lied about never having gotten the email (and possibly the extent of the relationship), then waited until we were at a point where we couldn’t say no. It just doesn’t add up any other way.
In discussion with my parents and fiance, I told her he’s welcome now that we know the details (will just be less drama), but I let her know that her making decisions about our guest list without our knowledge is a bit aggressive and not a respectful way to communicate, and we’d appreciate clearer comm in the future (eg, if she really never got my email, why didn’t she reach out again, or to my parents, before deciding to tell him to change his work schedule?).
For background, my aunt is Korean, so being direct is not her strong suit, but she has lived in North America for over 30 years (and has been married twice!), so she should know how this works. She is still offended at my constructive criticism, however, and is now guilt-tripping me, treating me like I overreacted, etc., which I suspect is her cultural way of trying to save face. The truth is this is a historic pattern of passive-aggressive behavior for her, and I’m just the latest target.
What would you suggest I do from here?