(Closed) Need Advice Bee's

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
7560 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: January 2013

I don’t know if anyone can really offer you a solution here. It sounds like someone’s going to have to compromise.

Could he find a job in CA so he would at least be closer? That way you could take long weekends to see each other. Could you get a job to support him if he quits? Would you give up your doctoral program to be with him? Could you transfer to a school closer to him? If neither of you are willing to give up your plans, can you continue to be long distance? 

Post # 5
1508 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

I think it’s odd that you’d apply to a program in AZ in the first place. There had to have been similar programs close to where he lived. I guess I’m thinking if I really want to be with my Fiance and start our lives together, I’d be applying to programs near him, especially after being long distance for so long already. Sounds like you put yourself in this position (not to be mean). And at your age, you gotta really think about the future and start making plans accordingly if you want to be married to your man.

Post # 7
642 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Thats tough.  Is a PhD really worth it?  It seems as though your not really willing to compromise.  There are only a few options.  You quit your PhD, and get a job where he lives.  He quit his job, and get a job, any job, to live near you.  What else is there?

In the long run, would you be happier with a PhD, but no husband?  Or would you be happier with him as your husband but no PhD? Or try another 3 years of LD.

It really comes down to that.  You dont want long distance anymore.  You get sad because other people are having weddings.  And you dont want to wait for him to find a job there. But you want to start a family.

Are you sure you want to marry this man? Or is it commitment and a family that you want, and he is the closest…

In the grand scheme of things, if you end up being married forever, compared to 60 years of marriage, what is 3 more of long distance?  I would deffinately choose that over zero years of marriage

Post # 9
1381 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@JenniferMm:  Oh wow, doll.. I’m really trying to think about what I would do in your situation… I feel for you.

Until I can come up with something, I felt I should ask if you’ve ever watched “The Five Year Engagement” (with Jason Segel & Emily Blunt) yet.  I think you’d really appreciate it!  Great movie, IMO.  Think you’d be able to relate somewhat.

Okay, I’m gonna return to this post!

Post # 10
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Personally, I don’t think quitting your phd is the best thing. You might end up resenting him down the line. I honestly believe LDs can work (I was in one awhile) and it seems to be the best option at this point. But really that’s all up to you. I just would never advocate for a woman to quit her education to be with her man. <totally my personal opinion and I TOTALLY respect that some ladies are happy to sacrifice education for a relationship. I just wouldn’t. 

Post # 11
4047 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

Being in a long distance relationship myself (we just began our third year), I know how draining it is and how much you just want it to be over. We’ll be married in a year and I will move then, and I don’t know how well I would do having to wait longer than that. Three years is a lot of time, and it feels like an eternity when you are LDR.

I happen to live in Arizona. What is his field? If he really can’t find a job in his specific field, is there a chance he can get something in another area? 

Otherwise, I don’t know what you two will do. He either finds a job in his field or another field, you quit the PhD program, or you endure the distance.

(I’m also super curious which school/program you’re in, since I am a student myself, but you totally don’t have to share that info! ha)

Feel free to PM me if you want to know any Arizona specifics. I might be of some help? Or not!

Post # 13
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

There’s nothing to do about this but finish the program and join him in his state later. but you gotta stop going after what “you” want at some point and start going after what “we” want. 

Post # 14
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

Pretty much your only options are: stay long distance until you finish the program, or leave the program and get the relationship moving forward.  It depends on what you want the most.  It sounds like you’re getting burnt out on the long distance aspect of your relationship, so it’ll only get more wearing as time goes on.  LDRs take a lot of work to make sure you’re on the same page and don’t grow apart.  Some couples are amazing at making them work, other couples don’t end up surviving it.

I can tell you I turned down an opportunity to take a great job in a city I loved in order to move in with my Fiance (he was my boyfriend at the time).  I don’t regret it for a single second… I ended up being able to improve my work skills and making myself a more desirable candidate in the future, and my Fiance took my move to mean that I was really committed to our relationship (hence why he proposed).  We’re definitely going to move to another city within the next year or so because he knows this is not the place I want to stay permanently, but ultimately, things have worked out better than I could have imagined and I’ve really benefitted from making that initial sacrifice.

My story was what was best for me, so that may or may not be the best case for you.  Only you can decide what your priorities are.

Post # 15
1381 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

@JenniferMm:  Hey girl, so I actually thought about this and what I would do in your shoes.. This is a toughie!

My mother has always raised me up to be an independent woman, due to the reality of high divorce rates and whatnot. She is always an advocate for doing what’s right for yourself first, placing your own needs above others’ when it comes to setting your life straight.  You only get one life to accomplish your dreams.. So I guess you know what I’d lean toward 😉

Back when I was still in dental school, I was dating a guy that I was head-over-heels in love with, but as it turns out I think he began to grow resentful of me and less supportive. He actually thought I chose studying over him and gave me an ultimatum! Needless to say, it didn’t pan out well with him. I ultimately chose what was more important for me and what was guaranteed in the long run. I don’t believe I was being selfish, just realistic.

Now this is not to say that I don’t think you and your beau can work out, because I’m sure he’s a lot more supportive than my ex ever was.  If it were me though, I’d happily pursue this dream career (this is what you’ve been waiting for..!) and take whatever comes in stride.  If this guy who’s been stuck to you like glue since you were 11 is truly right for you, he’ll be supportive of what you choose even though he may have to suffer in his career for a short period of time (will you guys be staying in AZ after..?)

I love how life throws us these unexpected curveballs.. and the mystery of it all is what drives us to be both batty and excited.  You’ll never know that you decide that you LOVE AZ and you decide to stay there.. or hey, you meet someone else in your PhD program that strikes the same tune as you.. or you meet some awesome friends that you’ll cherish in your life.

It’s an overwhelming situation, but if you focus on the big picture, hopefully it can be less stressful..!  Focus on the now, and don’t worry about the rest.  A wedding is just icing on the cake.  In retrospect, with all the money that FH and I will be spending on ours, I kind of wish I did a more intimate destination wedding like my sister just had.. and it was EPIC!  A lot of my classmates also did courthouse weddings with a celebration dinner afterwards – good company equals good fun 🙂  And about having kids – I feel you.  I’m 28 & FH is 32.  We’re not married yet, and his mother is itching for some grandchildren.  All in good time. If I decide too late that I want children, I’ll adopt.. or freeze my eggs.  We’ll make it work.

Whew!  Sorry so long.  You know my vote.. what’s a few more years when you’re gonna spend a lifetime with someone? 😉

Good luck!  And keep us posted!

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