(Closed) Need Advice: Cheating Fiance

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 92
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@brokenheartedbridetobe:  I am so so so sorry you are dealing with this. Like others have said, you aren’t the first bride to cancel her wedding nor the last. My sister canceled her wedding the DAY OF. Like, people were in the pews waiting for the ceremony to begin, groom in his suit waiting for his bride type thing. It was the best decision she ever made. Unfortunate it went to the last second to finally admit it to herself, but she did. 

Don’t even think about what others will think, feel or say, those who care about you will support you 100% and f**ck the rest of them. When my sister canceled her wedding, we all came to her house with hugs and love and told her we supported and were proud of her. I often ask myself if I wouldve had the guts at that point to cancel. Not once did we think about the gifts or anything else. And in your case, the shower hasn’t happened yet, gifts haven’t been bought or still can easily be returned.

I promise you this, this feeling of pain WILL pass and you WILL be okay. Don’t ruin the rest of your life because of the pain right now and wanting to escape it with the littlest bit he is willing to offer you, which doesnt sound like much. You deserve so much better than this, he is cheating on you months before your wedding, its so wrong in so many ways. Talking to her, talking to HR, isn’t going to change anything, this is over. He isn’t even trying to make it better, he will do this again with her or someone else. please please take a stand for yourself and leave him. Find someone who loves and cares for you like you deserve. Man, I am so sorry. This hurts my heart to read this. 

Post # 93
Member
330 posts
Helper bee

@brokenheartedbridetobe:  I echo most of that the PPs have said. I understand being with someone for a long time and not wanting to just end it, cheating can be forgiven. But lies, cover ups and deception after the fact surely shouldnt be. Neither should not wanting to break it off because you already got the dress. If this is the man you are about to marry, and he is unwilling to stop doing something that is clearly breaking your heart, then he is NOT the man you should marry because the man for you would not do that.

On another note, I am a fan of untimatums when the right set of circumstances are present. These are such circumstances. He can choose you, or choose her. His actions have chosen her and his words you. Its now time to let his actions speak.

Post # 94
Member
1119 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I have only one word for you, OP – RUN.

 

Don’t sit around and wait for him to realize you’re the one for him. He obviously doesn’t think so. Monday morning, go to the bank. Take out half of the account, and take your name off of it. Open a new account in your name. Contact your HR department about getting direct deposits into your new account.

 

Then go home, pack your things (or, if the place is in your name, pack HIS things) and then split. Go to a friend, go to your mom, go to a hotel. Whatever you do, just go. He isn’t treating you with the respect you deserve as a fellow human being, let alone someone who has been with him for a decade.

 

Cancel the wedding. Hopefully you had wedding insurance. If not, you’re still lucking out in the long run.

 

Oh, and one more thing. Don’t answer his calls. He’ll try and sweet talk his way back into your heart when he realizes he doesn’t get to have his cake and eat it too. Just block his number and if he shows up at where you’re staying, call the police.

 

 

 

Post # 95
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013 - ceremony at a gazebo outside, reception at neighboring restaurant on a lake

Please read “His Needs, Her Needs” by Willard Harley.  It explains how affairs are so hard to stop because his “love bank” has been filled by this other woman.  He will HAVE to stop with her and you will have to learn the ways to fill his love bank.  If he is not willing to fix the relationship, you need to cancel the wedding.

Also, the book above is taught in a weekend crash course through ‘Family Dynamics Institute’.  The weekend course is called New Beginnings.  75% of the couples are still together 7 years later, and many of those couples were involved in affairs and about to divorce.  I know you aren’t married yet, but this would still be perfect for both of you, I think.

Although, you aren’t committed to him yet, so still consider backing out.

I wish you the best.

Post # 96
Member
7638 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@brokenheartedbridetobe:  I agree with just about everyone else: you need to leave him. The lying, the cheating, the spending … it is all too much.

Can I add one thing: as a mother of a an almost-engaged daughter… don’t be afraid to tell your mother! (and/or other people you trust). You say you don’t want to break her heart. Let me tell you, I would be filled with rage – at your fiance. And if I was your mother, I would only want the best for you, which means getting away from that cheater.

I agree with other posters that there is no point contacting his work or the other woman. If it gets to the point that you need other people (like his work) to keep in line, then the relationship is already over.

Post # 97
Member
343 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@brokenheartedbridetobe:  First, i want to say how sorry for you having to go through this situation. It is sad, heartbreaking and totally awful. But come on! You know in your heart that you should not be marrying this man. Be good to yourself and get away from him even though it will be the hardest thing for you to do. I am sure once you leave him and you find yourself in a good place mentally, spritually, physically etc. etc financially…. you will find someone who really cares about you and who won’t cheat on you.

 

It doesn’t matter if all the details of the wedding are almost finalized. Sell as much as you can; keep at least 2000 $ of it and when your Fiance will not expect it at all, tell him, everything is off. Bye, bye!

Be strong. You can do it! Please do it!

Post # 98
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I have been in a relationship in which I was cheated on.  Serially.  My advice, for what it is worth, is to protect yourself, take the things that are important to you.  Get out.  Cancel the wedding.  Then, go and see a counselor, therapist, pyschiatrist, religious leader, whatever, and try to heal.  From the fact that he has you kept separately from others I wonder what other abusive tendencies he has, and you probably don’t even notice it.  My ex , and I realized it and was able to move on and find someone that is not an abuser and that I can trust.  You will need some therapy to get straight in your head, and to be able to trust again.  And you don’t want to go into a new relationship expecting him to cheat on you.  

It’s time to look out for you.  In a relationship, it is on the people in the relationship to protect it as sacred.  It is not this girl’s job.  I can also guarantee you that he has told her the typical lies: he doesn’t really love you, you’re crazy/sick and he’s afraid of what you’ll do if he leaves you, you don’t satisfy him sexually, blah, blah, blah.  My ex convinced his victim that stuff about me was true.  I am totally harmless, but she was terrified of me.  Because of things he told her.  Do not call his employer, do not contact her, do not contact his family.  Just be done with him, walk away, and take care of you.  🙂

Post # 99
Member
11735 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@brokenheartedbridetobe:  I’m sorry you’re going through this but you should not contact his boss. that won’t stop him. It’s not up to his boss to protect your relationship or up to her to stop seeing him. It’s up to you a d him to put a stop to the behavior either by him stopping (he probably won’t) or you leaVing. Also it’s not her faylt at all – it is your fiances responsibility to protect your relationship not her. She owes you nothing. She has made no promises of fidelity to you like he has and will in his wedding vows.

Post # 100
Member
501 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@brokenheartedbridetobe:  don’t worry about the wedding being almost planned and paid for, your happiness and future life is worth a lot more than that, and don’t feel embarrassed, your family and true friends will understand and probably suggest you cancel the wedding too. it’s hard, but marrying a man and being the wife being cheated on would be much harder than halting the wedding.

 

Post # 101
Member
576 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I agree with a lot of PP about what you need to do here, OP, and I’m so sorry.

I’m also a little less nice than some other people– I think you are well within your rights to put them both through hell if you can. I believe that there is such a thing in this world as an enemy, and when people say it isn’t the other woman’s responsibility I have to truly disagree. (Basically I don’t think a woman owes it to a stranger to not try to steal her husband, BUT she should understand she’s choosing to be that wife’s enemy, actively choosing to do her harm, and it is perfectly appropriate for the wife to be extremely hostile.)

Here’s what I would do, in order, and preferably all on the same day so they don’t know what hit them:

-Call a moving company to come and pack up all of your stuff, all of your joint homegoods, and anything of “his” that’s particularly valuable, that you think you can sell, or that you like. You’ll end up giving some of it back but no reason to be nice about it; neither of you has any of the legal property rights guarunteed by a marriage, so it will be a bit of a free for all and I’m sure you’ve heard that “possession is 9/10th’s of the law.”

-Let your landlord know that you’ll be breaking your lease; be prepared to pay any necessary penalties and not worry about it. (You may have to arrange the movers a few days in advance, plan for them to come on the day you want this to all go down.)

-Call your mom and best friend, briefly explain the situation, ask for their help cancelling the wedding, and for a complete list of all wedding expenses incurred by your family, and ask whichever one you prefer if you can stay at her place. Direct the moving company with the boxes of all your stuff to her house. Pack a suitcase to live out of with about a week’s worth of stuff.

-Get a private account and take all of the money. All of it. You will have to give some back later (consult with an attorney, and figure out how to give back the bare minimum). Start hiding it wherever you can. Again, he’ll get some back eventually, but meanwhile, let him squirm. (You may need to get your accounts secretly set up a couple days in advance and contact a lawyer in advance as well.) Leave him enough to briefly survive, or: his half, minus what he spent on her, minus all wedding related expenses, minus any fees for breaking your lease, minus any expenses you may expect to incur in the process of finding a new place to live, minus any expected fees by your lawyer, minus a little more because he should suffer.

-Contact your bank about closing or taking your name off of all joint accounts.

-Physically leave your home and go stay with whoever. Instruct your mom and BFF that you will not be taking any communication from Fiance and ask them both to respond to any communication by him that they aren’t interested in speaking with him and to please forward any communication to your lawyer. 

-By the way, if Fiance wants any money or stuff back, make him take you to court. Have your lawyer available, as well as documented wedding expenses, and proof of the affair. Make it hard for him.

-Finally, and hopefully you’ve pulled this all off during a work day, drop the ball on your Fiance: Send an email to his boss, her boss, his boss’s boss, her boss’s boss, (the boss’s bosses are important because his and her immediate supervisors will be SO PISSED at them for making them look bad) and HR, along these lines: I’m writing to inform you of an inappropriate relationship between [FI’s name] and [affair partner’s name]. In addition to being colleagues, [names] are involved in a romantic relationship. Please see attached for evidence; [FI] has also confirmed this to me. You need to be aware of this issue, as it is in violation of your company policy, and because the legal disputes which may result from [FI’s] actions, as well as impending general knowledge of this situation, will likely affect your team and workplace environment.

-Let that email be the way Fiance finds out about your decision. Send him a follow-up email letting him know that you’ve claimed your assets, dissolved your lease, closed your joint accounts, and moved out of your joint home, and that you wish him all the best but do not wish to be contacted by him in the future. Ask him to direct any inquiries to your attorney [so-and-so].

-Then take some time to yourself and recover. Let people know, briefly but honestly, what has happened, and ask them for whatever support you need– be that a shoulder to cry on or (if it were me) just being left alone for a while.

-Feel better about the fact that with no home, no belongings, no money, not much clothing and no job, and an impending court battle with you to get favorite chair or w/e back, your fiance will soon have no girlfriend (if she has any sense in her head) and you have, therefore, sucessfully put an end to his affair, as per your request in your original post. 

 

I’m so sorry this has happened to you, and maybe my revenge fantasy outlined above is too extreme for you, but I hope that you end this engagement, and get through this process, and make things hard on him!

Post # 102
Member
1097 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@brokenheartedbridetobe:  I haven’t read the pages of comments so sorry if I’m being repetitive.

It sounds like you are not willing to face reality and are still protecting him. Why would you want to contact this woman and convince her not to talk to your FI? HE’S the one who’s supposed to be committed to you, not her. When you have to go to a stranger to save your relationship (outside of counseling), you are in major trouble.

I think you need a wake up call and hopefully all of these bees are just that call. He’s not going to change. He doesn’t want to. He’s actively hurting you and he knows this…and yet he still will not stop.

The upside: you are not married…yet. Get out while you can. Cut your losses, cut off communication, and leave. You will be happier in the long run for it. 

Post # 104
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

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@PromiseRooster:  This!I have so much love for this post!  If i am ever in a position where my usual bitch brain doesnt work,im gonna be messaging you for sure!

OP you havent come back,i really hope you are ok, Its understandably a lot to take in at the moment but i hope you come back soon and let us know how you are

 

Post # 105
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

View original reply
@PromiseRooster:  you. Are. Awesome!!! 

Post # 106
Member
1248 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2012 - Chateau Briand

i agree with PPs in that continuing this relaionship doesn’t seem a fulfilling option in the long-run; you’ll probably always worry he’ll do it again and are likely to resent him for all the hurt he put you through up until this point.

That being said, i would a) contact a lawyer about the splitting of your currently shared finances and b) contact his boss & HR anyway. if you’re gonna leave him, might as well leave him in an awkward & embarrassing position at work for being a jerk.

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