(Closed) Need advice! Clash between beliefs and I'm not sure how to handle!

posted 4 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
1254 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

This is an issue I feel strongly about (in favour) so I don’t think I could exclude the photo from the tables. I know what you mean though about dealing with mothers so if there was no way to have the photo without an almighty S%$t fight breaking out then I would probably scrap the idea and have no photos at all.  Do you think she might come around though like she came around about the civil ceremony etc?

My FMIL doesn’t like gay marriage but we are having a statement in our ceremony acknowledging our support of it (it’s still not legal in Australia). Difference being I guess we are paying for the whole she-bang so I don’t care what her opinion is, lol.

Post # 4
Member
1691 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I think, that because no one SHOULD know who is paying for the wedding, it shouldn’t matter what pictures are there.  Now if your mom is going around telling everyone that she’s paying, that’s a whole different issues. Personally, I would be SO against not putting that picture up that I would pay for the wedding myself, no matter what I had to do.

I think you should talk to your mom about everything you said here.  YOUR wedding, no matter who is paying, should not make you uncomfortable because of someone elses beliefs.  

I wouldn’t remove the picture, it’s not her place to say you have to, paying or not. And if she’s not ok with it, I wouldn’t have her paying for the wedding.

Refusing to put up that one picture would be an insult to your future inlaws, and their entire family.  You should try to talk to your mom about it first and foremost.

I refused to be married by someonewho wouldn’t perform a gay ceremony, and I ensured that the vows said something about everyone being able to marry, so I guess I’m biased.

Post # 5
Member
158 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

It would be incredibly insulting.

I have to admit that if I were a guest at a wedding where all the other couples photos were included except a gay couple, I would be offended on their behalf and would probably think differently of the bride and groom – as we obviously would not know it was the mother who objected, not the B&G themselves. 

Post # 6
Member
357 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2005

This is not an issue I would compromise on.  I would just not discuss it further, and on the day of, display all the pictures you’ve collected.  If there is NO way to do that, I would scrap the idea altogether, but be very clear on why that was necessary to anyone who asks.  Your mother doesn’t deserve to get away with her bigoted behavior scot free.

Post # 7
Member
417 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

@RedCushionedRoses:  Ditto.  I would think less of the B & G and distance myself from them after that incident.

If you really can’t include the gay couple scratch the pictures.  Morality aside you should not hurt your fiance’s family like that to appease your own.  That would be selfish and is not what marriage should be about.

Post # 8
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Don’t jump me for this, but I get where your mom is coming from. Though I don’t get all ugly about my beliefs like some people do , I understand the delicate balance of being accepting and loving toward people whose actions you don’t agree with, but also trying to stay true to yourself/your personal beliefs and not condoning the actions themselves. Your mom feels responsible for the wedding as a hostess, very much like mine does, so it makes sense that she is sensitive toward the wedding’s reflection on her character. My point is, it doesn’t sound like she’s being hostile/hateful/aggressive (to me), so even though her discomfort is insulting, try not to have an all-out smack down. Its one picture, and ultimately your day. I’d side with your wishes, even though it doesn’t float my boat. You should get your way, just don’t shame her for her beliefs in the process! Handle with care!

 

 

 

Post # 9
Member
7872 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It sounds to me like the issue isn’t “gay marriage” per se, but relationships. I assume you’d include long term non-married heterosexual couples if there were any. You could explain it’s about affirming the relationship, not making a statement one way or another on gay marriage.

I say this because, as a pretty religious Christian myself, my problem until recently was only with gay marriage. (Until I changed my mind and now I support gay marriage). I had no problem recognising gay relationships, I only had a problem with calling it marriage. (Please don’t flame me, that’s how I felt and I can spell out why but it’s getting off topic). So if the table has no direct mention of “marriage” (and that might be technically correct, since they’re not legally married in your state by the sound of it), you might sidestep the problem.

Post # 10
Member
4664 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think less of anyone who would protest their picture on the table, and of anyone who would submit to that kind of ignorance and allow it to continue unabated. I would have that picture there proudly, even if I had to superglue the frame to the table to stop her removing it.

Especially because of what PPs said – guests will not know it was HER protesting, they will think it was YOU. And honestly, it would be your fault.

If you stand idly by and let someone do something ignorant and wrong without taking a stand (within reason, as long as it’s safe), you are also responsible. If I were a guest, and knew that they were being excluded, I would turn right around and leave, gift in hand. Even if I knew the bride and groom were not homophobic, I’d see them as spineless.

I don’t think I’d go out of my way to maintain or cultivate a close relationship with someone who was against gay marriage, even if it were my parents. I wouldn’t cut them out of my life entirely, but the best I can give to a bigot is cool politeness, and only when I absolutely HAVE to.

Post # 12
Member
8469 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@LauraHF:  Put the pictures up and pay for the wedding yourself.  While I don’t agree with your mom, if she’s paying, she gets the say.  

Post # 13
Member
3462 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Options I can think of:

  • Shrink down the pictures to immediate family (lineal ancestors like grandparents/greatgrandparents/parents, and maybe siblings).  (This is what I almost did.)
  • Expand to other relationships and leave off the married comment.
  • Put up the display so it is clear whose “side” has which people, with your picture in the center, using if need be little separate tables so her pictures aren’t with the other picture.
  • Talk to her again and persuade her it’s not about gay marriage and note on your side any divorces or marriages not in a Catholic church that aren’t technically acceptable.
  • Tell her it’s out, then put it in and hope she doesn’t see/make a fuss at the wedding.  (Not advisable, but an option.)
  • Don’t put up any pictures
  • Put up the pictures, pay for the wedding yourself.

 

Post # 14
Member
1813 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry but I have to ask – knowing her feelings on this and how religious she is (I am religious also but I share your feelings on this), why did you even bring this up?  You could have just put the picture in there and she may not have even noticed.

I would just go with parents and grandparents pictures if you can’t find a way to pull this off.

Post # 15
Member
7872 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@LauraHF:  Thinking more: if your mother holds firm, you should nix the idea of the table. Yes it’s not exactly what you want, but that’s the price you pay when you accept money to help pay for your wedding. And really, not having the table won’t detract from your wedding much.

Under no circumstances should you cave in and exclude FI’s uncle. Nor should you justify it by doing parents and grandparents only, because FI’s family have supplied the photos, and there’s a good chance someone will work out the real reason. I also don’t like the idea of sneaking him on – that would involve dishonesty. And as PPs have said, if anyone asks what happned to the table, explain that you refused to exclude FI’s uncle so your only option was to scrap it.

Post # 16
Member
5554 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2011

While even as a conservative Christian I find this not at all the time or place to take a moral stance (seriously mom,  no one is going to even think twice after they give a cursory glace to the photos) you could side step the issue by only having grandparents, parents and siblings, then all aunts and uncles are excluded so it isnt an issue of them being singled out. I have only ever seen a table like this with close family members anyway. 

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