(Closed) Need advice! Cold feet or something more?!

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

when you say he doesn’t support your bakery, do you mean financially? like he won’t invest in it? or do you lack emotional support? the first i could understand, but if the emotional support isn’t there, you need to have a talk about why you want to open a bakery and what exactly his fears are.

money is a HUGE issue in marriage. i suggest you see a couples counselor. have you gone over your finances together and set a budget? have you decided how you’ll handle your money once you’re married? if you can’t agree over small financial decisions, separate accounts plus one joint account for household expenses might be a good idea.

Post # 5
2620 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Ummm…. I don’t mean to sound rude, and that is definitely NOT my intetntion. But it sounds as if your fiance might be a little on the controlling side. I kind of have an issue with someone “letting” me do things, or telling me what I can or cannot buy. It seems as though the lack of emotional support from the one who is supposed to love and support you most is a little concerning.

Everyone would have fear about opening their own business, but that isn’t the point. I agree with kitzy about hashing out a budget, and you guys should really talk about what each person wants/expects out of this marriage. It sounds kind of like you might have two different ideas.

I think counseling is always a good idea, to have that third person there as a sort of “buffer” to help work things out. If you feel you want to work it out and he does as well…

Post # 6
8943 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

It sounds like the two of you have different ideas about how the money is going to be managed.  I sort of agree with Mrs.tobe that your Fiance sounds like he would like to be in control of the money.  The worst thing to me is that he doesn’t seem to understand that opening this bakery is important to you and even if it fails, at least you tried something that was your dream.

I think the two of you really need to talk about this so that you can figure out if it’s something fixable or if it’s a deal breaker.

Post # 7
2268 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Well, opening a new business isn’t the same as just switching jobs. It’s a huge financial risk. I really don’t think it’s the sort of thing you can forge ahead with if your husband is not behind you. It’s definitely something you need to talk out. Try to understand the specifics behind why he isn’t supporting it and discuss your passion for it. Perhaps there’s some sort of compromise possible. I don’t know much about this sort of thing but perhaps a partner in the business or franchizing or something that would lessen the risk.

I don’t think it’s a requirement of marriage that your husband completely agree with every career decision you make, but if it will involve his money and a high degree of risk he definitely needs to be behind you. Or money that would essentially be his after you’re married.

As for his mother, that is something he should be supporting you in. Some of it is just growing pains of a new family sometimes, but if there is real conflict then discussions need to happen and he should be supportive if you are being reasonable.

Post # 9
83 posts
Worker bee

I will preface my post by saying that I did recently call off my engagement.  HOWEVER, I think that many factors come into play when you have ‘cold feet’, so let me give you my humble opinion based on my experience and what you’ve said:

First, financial agreement/understanding is huge in marriage.  If you are not in it together now, seek help to make sure you are on the same page about this.

Second, if you are more apt to see yourself calling it off than actually walking down the aisle, take a serious step back.  Do it now.  Stop planning. Get yourself and/or your fiance to counseling if you feel like the relationship can be salvaged.  Some people will say you need to be 100%… I would say you at least need to be 80% sure, and right now, it doesn’t sound like that. Sorry.

Lastly, breathe.  Listen to yourself.  How are you feeling?  What are you thinking?  Sometimes our bodies know before our minds do… call it a gut, or intuition, or whatever.  Trust yourself.

Good luck!

Post # 10
2593 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

It’s concerning that he doesn’t support you, wouldn’t ‘let’ you open the bakery if you were married, AND wants to have control of all the finances. I think you need to think long and hard about this and talk to him about it. It sounds like this bakery is your dream and everything is finally coming together. He supported you at first but doesn’t anymore, which strikes me as odd. What changed? He seems a bit controlling, which is something to think about.

Post # 12
1174 posts
Bumble bee

@cupcakexo:He needs a good ole fashion….”who in the hell are you talking to”? He is flexing his manhood. I would not leave him, thats extreme. I would take a day or so to choose my words carefully and knock him off his high horse. I have had to do this personally. One weekend my SO was going on and on about what he will not do and what I need to do….lol. Really? I gave him a swift kick to the ego and then he is right back to the man I love and adore. I have only done it once and it worked. I really think he was too intouch with his” power” and being the head of our relationship. Boy please, you only have the power I give you! Silly men….If he continues to be so demanding then you would be forced to make your own decisions which my exclude him from your future.

Post # 13
55 posts
Worker bee

@cupcakexo: Hmm… I think you may have answered the question yourself when you said, “I think about calling my wedding off more than I think about walking down the aisle.” That’s a very telling statement.

Marriage and dating are very different in some regards. When you’re dating, you two can just focus on your mutual interests and spending time together. When you’re married, things like babies, religion, and finances suddenly come into the picture. I’m not sure of the statistics, but I have heard many times that financial disputes are a leading cause of divorce. And I’m sure you don’t want to deal with that in your future.

I’m sorry your fiance isn’t supportive about your bakery. That’s a dream of mine as well, and I would be crushed if my boyfriend told me it would be akin to financial ruin. Sometimes you have to take a risk, you know? 

Perhaps you can have a long engagement, just taking your time and seeing how it goes for a little while. I think the idea of wedding planning can be extremely stressful. Slow it down for a while, push the wedding planning to the background, and see if you two just need a little time to let everything sink in. 

Good luck in whatever you do! <3

Post # 14
77 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2011

@cupcakexo – this sounds like more than coldfeet from your posts.  It sounds like you have serious reason to think about whether or not you want to move forward with the wedding.

I don’t know your financial situation, but I can see both sides.  This is your lifelong dream, you have the money (your own from your above posts?) to pursue it, and a perfect location.  I think he should be behind you 100%.  However, if your financial situation is dicey, or opening the business will put you both in debt and jeopardize both of your financial futures, I think he definitely gets a say in whether or not the business gets opened at all. 

Personally, I ended an engagement about 5 years ago.  I realized one day that the relatioship was all about him, and that if I stayed with him, I would have a 0% chance of ever realizing my dreams.  I don’t know if that’s your situation with your Fiance, but I think you need to sit and have a serious conversation with him about his support for your business plan and life dream, his concerns (financially and emotionally), and your feelings.  Then I think you can make an educated decision about what to do.


Post # 16
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@cupcakexo: Oh honey, run. Run away as fast as you can. Demanding joint finances and making reference to “letting” you spend things? HELL NO. A dude this controlling will only get worse.

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