(Closed) Need Advice: Convincing Chinese parents to have a small wedding

posted 6 years ago in East Asian
Post # 3
Member
3769 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

Who is paying for the celebration??  If you and your Fiance are the ones paying, put your foot down and and say that you are having a small celebration.  If your parents are paying, well, what is the harm in seeing your distant relatives and your parents’ friends?  It’s so important in Chinese culture (especially for “old school”) and it would mean a lot to your parents.  It’s possible your distant relatives won’t even come (in my case, almost all my relatives are in Taiwan.. I want to invite them out of courtesy but already know none of them are coming).

Or I had one family friend get married in a court ceremony, and several months later her parents had a banquet dinner to celebrate but it was obviously not the full shebang wedding, maybe you could elope and do that.

Post # 5
Member
16 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m also Chinese and the idea of inviting relatives that I’ve never met never appealed to me. My parents and I finally agreed to have the wedding I want and just hold a separate banquet for family and friends. My thought is that a banquet is basically a dinne, albeit a really LARGE dinner, but just a dinner nonetheless. I can wear my dress a second time. Everyone ends up happy. It just wasn’t worth the hassle of arguing about it.

Just my 2 cents.

 

Post # 6
Member
1041 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@bunnybunny:  Your parents don’t sound very traditional.  In traditional Chinese families, the bride’s side won’t pay a dime and actually get a dowry.  I know my parents told me that if they paid, I wouldn’t be getting a wedding…so I think you can probably convince them that you only want a small wedding without much problems.

Post # 7
Member
1068 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Fff, my Chinese mom is the same way. Since I refuse to add more people to my wedding, she’s doing a whole seperate Chinese banquet wedding. Facepalm.

Post # 8
Member
94 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@bunnybunny:  Both my fiance and I are Chinese (He’s from North, I’m from South).  Both my fiance and I wanted a small wedding (~70-80 people) but my parents wanted to invite more friends/family (Fiance parents don’t care).  Even though my fiance and I are paying for the wedding, we decided to compromise with my parents, this is just not something worth fighting about…There are certain relatives that I’m just NOT going to invite…and they need to keep the list of guests to people who are either I know them personally or they must be REALLY good friends w/ them…No strangers that we haven’t talk w/ in 10 yrs.  I think it’s working out so far…

Post # 9
Member
69 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I’m kind of in the same boat. I’m so not excited to plan a giant wedding with all sorts of randoms showing up. We’re going to have a small small destination wedding and are really editing the list. While my mom is cool with it, my dad (whom I haven’t informed of this yet) is going to flip a lid. My Fiance is also Chinese and at first he was so aghast at my plan because he has a huge family, but he eventually came around.

My big thing is that WE ARE paying for the wedding and if we don’t want to invite people, it’s our perogative because it’s our budget. I know the whole fideal piety business with listening to the parents and elders kind of crap… but at this stage in my life I’m kind of like f**k it and am just going to do what is in my best interest. So if you really don’t want to invite people, don’t do it. Unless your parents are footing a big portion of the bill, they don’t have a say and you shouldn’t feel pressured in any way. Easier said than done, but if it makes you miserable, there’s no point in even going through the wedding. Who is this marriage for? You? Your parents? Despite what they might think and what culture dictates, the wedding and marriage is between you and your SO and you guys should do what’s right by you.

In the spirit of problem solving and comprormise, we did concede that we’d have the ceremony and reception in Hawaii on our own dime, with our own guest list and vision. Then afterwards, we’re planning on having a reception in LA that’ll be more Chinese. I figure a lot of my parents friends and our family members would be more comfortable with that setting anyways. We still haven’t worked out the specifics but I guess the LA reception is more for our parents and the obligatory elements of getting married rather than something I really wanted. But it seems to appease a lot of people and truthfully, Asians only show up to wedding to eat and I’m sure most don’t want some weird “mei guo cai”. Going to a seafood restaurant, renting out the banquet rooms, serving lobster and prawns, in a context I am less emotionally attached to, it’ll be better for all involved.

Post # 10
Member
80 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@bunnybunny:  If your parents are willing to pay for a separate celebration I guess it’s up to you to decide whether it’s more important to you to stand by your principles of being anti-wedding, or just go with the flow and turn up for what is basically a free dinner attended by a bunch of people you don’t know. Personally I’d just let my parents rock out and do their thing — I probably wouldn’t even think of their banquet as a wedding, just a related celebratory event. But it’s up to you, and depends on your relationship with your parents (among other things).

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