(Closed) Need Advice: End Engagement b/c of his Family?

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
6377 posts
Bee Keeper

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lulu22lulu:  How does your fiancé deal with his family? This will be an ongoing problem and six years in if nothing has changed it may never. Have you talked to your husband about your feelings?of he really doesn’t see it he may not back you up on what you feel. How was his family in regards to finding out you were engaged?

Post # 3
Member
864 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2015 - Carmen\'s Lakeview

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lulu22lulu:  I would sit down and tell him how you’re feeling.

While some people may say, when you marry someone, you marry their family. While you’re legally marrying into the family, you’re only living with your fiance. 

I understand your desire to be close with this new family and I’m sorry you’re in such a tight spot. It really comes down to how much you’re willing to give up for your fiance.

Post # 4
Member
454 posts
Helper bee

Given your past, I can 100% understand why it wouldn’t be the best thing for you to marry into this situation. It would be one thing if your Fiance recognized what his family was doing and was proactive in protecting you from those aspects of them – and, frankly, even in this scenario it would still make sense if it was more than you can handle.

I’d definitely talk this over with him. Since he was there when things fell apart with your own family, hopefully he would understand exactly what you mean when you discuss with him how uncomfortable with them you are. Maybe there’s something you can work out with him to make this better for you. Or maybe you both realize that this is an issue where neither of you have much wiggle room and you need to part ways.

I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this. I wish you the best of luck!

Post # 6
Member
6377 posts
Bee Keeper

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lulu22lulu:  I would definitely explain more to your Fiance about this.  Because if he marries you, he may need to cut ties with his family and if he’s not ready for that, it won’t work.  But if he’s really ready, he’ll do it for you and work out his relationship with you in respect to you.  Your Fiance cannot choose his family but he can choose his Fiance, and if he wants you, he has to choose what’s more important, allowing his parents to disrepect you or his family who may never like someone.

Post # 7
Member
93 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

You only do live with your fiance so if he’s good to you, protective of you and he’s on your side – then i think it’s worth trying to work out.

In regards to his parents not honoring his request – that will be harder to fix because you can’t control someone else’s actions.  No matter how many times he asks his parents to change, if they can’t, then they can’t.  And since he already asked them and nothing has changed, it sounds like there isn’t much hope there.  

You should have an honest discussion with your Fiance about what he’s willing to give up and what you’re willing to give up in order to be together.  I’ve seen couples give up on their families to stay together.  

good luck 

Post # 8
Member
393 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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lulu22lulu:  My parent’s had this problem, hence I experienced it as well…..My advice, if family is EXTREMELY important to you, as in more so than spending the rest of your life with someone you love, then you probably should cut your loses. If you can put up with the family to be with him, then that’s great! Where it won’t work out or work out well is if he doesn’t support you and tell his family to p*ss off. That’s a massive red flags and has caused my parents many arguements to the point that I’ve never seen my dad’s side of the family because of it (not that I care, honestly, but it’s something to think about for your future). Also, how would he feel if you decided to exclude yourself from his family events? Would he be ok with you saying when he can and cannot attend his family events? example–Holidays with the kids; is he going to spend the holiday with you and the kids or with his family? It better be with you and the kids. 

Net: From 20 years experience,  if he can’t put you above his family on his priority list, which may mean limiting his family interactions, then you’re looking at a very difficult future. Best of luck!!! I hope it works out. 

Post # 9
Member
918 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

I am in much the same situation.  I’m estranged from most of my family, and the only two members I’m still in contact with live on the other side of the world from me.

FI’s parents are very judgemental, and disapprove of me for a number of reasons…probably the main one being that I’ve been married before (I’m 46).   I got along very well with my ex H’s family, so I know my behavour isn’t the problem.   Even though I’m disappointed, I’ve come to realise that having a close relationship with the ILs is a bonus…not a need.   But it only works if you have the full backing of your Fiance, and he is able to act like an adult and not be influenced by them or their actions.

I’m guessing by what you have posted that you are round about 23/24.  I was married at 21 after being with my ex H from the age of 17.  For me, it was a mistake.  I changed so much between the ages of 25 to 30.  You may find that you are worrying more about this now because you are coming to realise that maybe your relationship has come to the end of it’s run anyway.

Post # 10
Member
824 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

Since you are still young, although it would be painful to break things off, you might be better off. Typically, in laws like this do not necessarily get better after their child marries, they often get worse. But this is your decision, do not do anything just bc of posts on a board, weigh everything and see what is right for you. Other PPs have also given good advice

Post # 11
Member
6432 posts
Bee Keeper

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lulu22lulu:  I’ve had similar issues with my Mother-In-Law. It has cauise major problems in our relationship and I’m actually about to book a solo trip so I can have some time to myself to think about what I want (we’re already married). I have come to the realisation that she will never change, and, while we have now cut contact with her, I don’t think we will ever truly be rid of her until she dies. She has made me extremely ill, and I may not be able to complete my PhD because of her, so there is a lot of resentment there, not helped by the fact that my husband was slow to support me.

Honestly, my advice would be to not marry him until you are sure you can either work through the issues, and he can demonstrate real support (eg setting firm boundaries with them), or until you believe you can cope with their behaviour. I would also warn you that if they are anything like my Mother-In-Law, things will very likely get worse once you actually get engaged, as they will believe they are ‘losing’ their son to you, and so will likely want to try to split you up; this is exactly what heppened with us, and now we’re married, it’s even worse. It is draining, and very difficult to deal with.

 

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pinkpeony407:  makes a good point about not being able to control someone else’s behaviour; that is very true, and it’s very important that you both understand this. However, what you CAN do is control YOUR behaviour, and your Fiance can control his. This means that you can both set and stick to certain boundaries which should help you deal with them. This might be things like limiting contact, or refsuing to discuss certain things; whatever they are, you decide, and you stick to it. This gives you some control in situations and limits the power they have to cause trouble/upset you.

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