Need Advice – Family guilt, places to move, life choices

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 23
Member
346 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

If I were you I would move to Chicago if you two are very committed to one another. An hour is doable for when you want to see family, and it is a good compromise for SO. I would reconsider moving to the West Coast first. Use that money you would have used to relocate to visit out there instead.

If your family and friends outweigh your SO in your heart though, you may decide it’s worth it to move back to your hometown with or without him.

Those are the two scenarios that make the most sense to me.

Post # 26
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

mkr652 :  Both of them changed in basically the same way.  

1) We were all of a sudden around ‘his’ friends and family. While I certainly made friends with wives and girlfriends, they never completely felt like mine or ours.

2) Each became more critical of me in their own way.  Things I was lauded for prior to moving was all of a sudden embarrassing. I adapt just fine, moved all over the world, but it was like he was worried people he knew all his life would have a poor opinion of me or ‘us’ and wanted too prevent that. It became easier to walk on eggshells for a while and then it became a habit.

3) Their personalities changed a bit.  It’s like they reverted back to an earlier personality they had before moving away. Slightly younger, less mature, more like their father they were still trying to impress, finding contentment and enjoyment from whatever activities they used to do and not particularly interested in doing anything new or hanging out with friends I may have made.

4) Because I walked on eggshells I lost some self confidence, they started to treat me like a child in a way. It became a vicious cycle.  

5) I lost some affection for these men who had changed so I tried to bend over backwards to regain it. One became abusive because he sensed he was losing me, the other lost respect for me and just stopped valuing me.

Post # 27
Member
292 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Midwest bee here – I’m from Wisconsin originally and have family in the Milwaukee & Chicago areas. I know exactly how you feel about being far away from home. My husband and I moved to South Dakota a year ago and although it’s still the midwest, it’s not “home”. His family is from the Northeast as well, and he has no desire to live there. He would rather live in a less population dense area with lots of outdoor recreation activities.

Anyways, I think this is a hard decision and I don’t really have a solid answer for you. On one hand it sounds like you’re both compromising with Chicago, which is both a good and bad thing. However, an hour away is soooo close to your family – it’s going to feel like that once you’re there after having been a plane flight away. People commute longer than that, especially in larger metropolitan areas. Also, there are a few really nice parts of Chicago that aren’t as traditional urban and have bike trails, parks, etc. Evanston is one I can think of – I have a couple friends that live there with their son and they bike to work every day. So you could look into that maybe – it might help your SO.

Is there a reason you are planning on moving out west before Chicago? Just thinking, if you’re looking to settle in Chicago eventually it might be helpful to put down roots sooner. Plus if out west is where your SO’s heart is drawing him I feel like there’s not a good chance of him leaving once you’re settled in Denver or California.. 

I know you can’t imagine living life without your SO, but the both of you can only compromise so much before resentment starts to build. If you end up moving to Denver and he decides to stay, so you decide to stay with him even though you’re unhappy, that’s not going to work for you. Likewise, if you move to the Chicago area, or your hometown and he ends up really disliking it and pining for CO or CA, that’s not a good situation either. I hope you can work this out but remember your boundaries and don’t sacrifice your happiness.

 

Post # 28
Member
3415 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

My husband and I are moving away from family to Colorado this summer, for all of the reasons your SO wants to move there, so it’s easy for me to relate to his perspective.

I’m curious about your lifestyle. Do you want that outdoorsy lifestyle? Because Colorado can become your home that you love. Just because you never felt at home in NY doesn’t mean you won’t find that feeling somewhere else. You could easily become attached to a new city, and make friends there that mean so much to you. Don’t let your bad experience with NY rope you into feeling like you’ll never feel at home outside your hometown. 

Once you get settled into your career, you can take weekends to fly home and see family. You and your SO will probably make a ton of great friends in your new place. And hey, they even have slightly Midwestern accents in Colorado. Maybe it’ll feel like a more sunny, beautiful version of home. 😂

Post # 29
Member
1095 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

Could he commit to visiting your family a certain number of times per year if you do move to CO? I agree with PPs that it sounds like it would be hard for him to move to the midwest after living in his ideal place for a couple years, without being resentful. 

Post # 30
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2018

This is interesting. Can I ask why you feel like you have to move to California or Colorado, before moving to the Midwest? I guess I don’t understand the point, if there is nothing specific (like a job) there. I’m not criticizing, by the way, just wondering if I missed something! Moving is so stressful and expensive that, to me, I’ve never understood why people do it just for the hell of it. Also, California will likely be just as, if not more, expensive than Chicago, if you are moving to a big city there. 

I would have the same concerns as you. I’ve never had a desire to move away from my family, even though I can see why a lot of people do! Space is definitely a good thing sometimes haha. That’s why I think Chicago would probably be a good compromise here? You say it’s 1 hour from your family, which I think is a great distance, honestly! You can be there quickly if something happens, but you can also have your space if needed. Also, I would have to assume that there are some areas outside of Chicago that are within a driving distance that your SO could still enjoy the outdoors (hiking, trails, etc). Yes, you wouldn’t be living directly in the mountains, but that’s what a compromise is. Someone in this situation is going to have to sacrifice something, so you will just have to talk about it. I don’t envy your predicament, and I hope you find something that works for you! 

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