Post # 1
I hope I’m not stepping on ejoyb’s post, but I also have a question about a difficult bridal party.
I really need some advice and opinions, and I know this forum is never at a shortage for either.
Here’s the set-up:
- I have no sisters, but have always wanted my two (much older) brothers in my wedding since if I had sisters, I would have asked them. They have made it very clear that they do not want to be in the wedding and that really hurts because I’ve looked up to them my entire life.
- My MatronOH hates every dress and color that I pick, no matter how I try to please her. When I’ve sifted through dozens of dresses and emailed them to her, she doesn’t respond. She went with me to get my veil from the bridal shop. I mentioned to her that we should look for a dress for her (meaning a Bridesmaid or Best Man dress), she said, “Oh I know I always up for trying on wedding dresses! Don’t tell my hubby! haha!” I was crushed at her lack of awareness. Whenever I mention anything about the wedding, she changes the subject to talk about her job or her new house.
- My two MaidsOH are MIA, not returning phone calls or emails so that I can get their input on the dresses.
Yes, I made the mistake of trying to please everyone. My maids range in size from 6 to a 20, and it is/was important to me that they are all comfortable. I thought that if I they were happy, it would result in a happier bride.
Instead, I’ve spent an extraordinary amount of time worrying about their dresses, far more than I did my own. I’m extremely frustrated and disgusted by my MatronOH’s selfishness. I’ve never, ever pulled the “it’s MY wedding” card, and don’t intend to.
I cannot pick and choose, and fire just one or just a few of my bridal party. I’m not confrontational (the thought makes me feel nauseated) and I’m afraid that doing so would ruin friendships forever and I’m not willing to do that.
I feel that my Fiance and I are losing control over our wedding, and losing sight that the day is about us and not them. We originally wanted a smallish wedding, but also wanted people around us that have meant a lot to us over the years. Omitting the bridal party puts the focus back on us. I never dreamed that my brothers or my friends were capable of such childish behavior. (They range in age from 30-49, if you can believe that!)
So ladies, what do you think?
-LinSquared, Bummed Bride
Post # 3
Aw, I’m so sorry your friends/family have let you down so deeply. I can see why you’d want to ‘fire’ them all. My suggestion, if you haven’t done so already, is to talk to them. It will be awkward, but you can do it in a nonconfrontational way. Express to them how you’re feeling and see what their reaction is. Its possible that they’re unaware of their selfish ways. If they’re made aware, they may change their tune. If they continue to be uncooperative, then I’d remove the bridal party from the plans. If I could go back, I’d skip a bridal party too!
Post # 4
My thought is this: Your wedding is in March of 2011. I’ll bet that in your terms that’s not very long at all, but in your bridal party’s terms that’s just SO FAR AWAY. Most guests of a wedding don’t start putting together their plans until a month out. Most bridal parties seem to vary, but probably don’t think about it until two months out. It seems that most people have no idea that you need to order dresses six months in advance (especially since March is the beginning of Wedding Season.) So I would just throw an e-mail out there to everyone explaining that the bridal party attire MUST be decided on by [X] date in order for them to order together, and receive everything on time. By giving a deadline, you give yourself the freedom to say: “Well you didn’t order your dress on time, so I’m sorry but you’re out of the bridal party.” It puts the onus on them to get their stuff together, and you can figure out how to handle it with plenty of time to spare.
Post # 5
That sucks. If I were you, I’d just pick a dress and say “buy this, at this place ___”. You’ve gone above and beyond trying to please them and let them have a say. If they’re not responding, then they’ve lost their chance 🙂
On the other hand, the wedding will seem like forever away to them. It’s just natural. I see 2011 and feel like it’s for-e-ver… So, I’d just send them an email with something like “6 more months!! Dresses need to be ordered THIS month!”. Light a fire!
For your brothers, it’s a bummer but they’re guys. guys just don’t always get excited about wedding stuff. I’m sure that they love you and are over the moon that you’ve found your Fiance and truly are excited to go to the wedding – BUT my Fiance and most of my guy friends don’t get excited about participating in weddings.
Post # 6
It is your wedding. IF these people want to be in your wedding, they should wear what YOU want. Believe me, I have had plenty of hideous Bridesmaid or Best Man gowns that I usually passed on to a lucky niece to play “princess” with. If I can grit my teeth and wear a pink poofy gown (and I HATE pink AND poofy gowns), your BMs can put up with wearing whatever you chose for the wedding day. If they don’t like it, tell them to hit the highway!
Post # 7
I think you should put your foot down. You will never be able to make everyone happy ( it sucks, yes, I know). And to be honest, the only one who should be concerned about their happiness is YOU!. So, like someone said above, if they don’t like what you choose, tell ’em to hit the highway :). Congrats, btw!!
Post # 8
If you still want to take your MOH’s opinion into account as a peacekeeping measure, ask her what ONE thing she definitely would want in a dress (strapless, a certain color, long or short…you get the idea) and choose a dress with that one feature she identified but that YOU chose for your wedding. Try taking another friend or family member with you to the dress shop to pick it out, so you can have the bridal experience without your MOH’s verbal diarrhea.
Post # 9
OR…(I just thought of this) pick a few styles you like and tell her those are her choices. She can have any of, say, five styles you narrowed it down to, and she can just buy it in the color you chose. That’s what I do when shopping with small children 🙂
Post # 10
Do you have people who can replace them?
Post # 11
You could just forego a bridal party altogether. You don’t need them and if they’re not interested in being a part of your day, they don’t deserve the honor.
Post # 12
I am so sorry you are having to go through this.
If I were you, I would fire everyone and start over. You still have a little time to find replacements. Firing them may negate the friendships, but honestly, they really don’t seem like they are friends anyway.
The other option would just be for you to pick a dress and tell them “This is the dress and you need to go get fitted for it, pay for it, and wear it. This option doesn’t seem like it would work in your situation though, so I would just fire them.
It is an honor to be chosen to stand beside someone when they get married and they aren’t treating it like it is. You don’t deserve to be treated that way.
Post # 13
@noritake22: I agree with your first option. Even thought March 2011 sounds SO far away, it isn’t. Trust me, if they’re this much stress now wait until 2 months before the wedidng & they still can’t get their crap together.
Post # 14
Wow. I am so thankful that you all took the time to respond to my cry for help.
I think we’ve all done things that we didn’t like, but kept our mouths shut for a friend. I thought my friends would be like Kathrine Heigl’s character in “27 Dresses”.
Unfortunately, I don’t have replacement BMs, and I think that if I did use replacements, the relationships with my current wedding party will be permanently scared. Perhaps my brothers will be relieved, but the women may hold a grudge.
I’m not sure what I’m going to do yet but you’ve given me a lot to think about. I figure I’ve got at least a month to make a final decision. Perhaps something will change by then. For now, I’m going to try and stop stressing about pleasing everyone.
Post # 15
I just want to be Ms. Obvious here but you know, you don’t HAVE to have bridal attendants. I know it is preferable but at what cost? If people are not behaving like friends, I would consider just “firing” them all and not replacing them. What would you really lose?
I say that though as someone who didn’t even bother choosing a Maid/Matron of Honor or BMs based on my motto of “Blessed are those who expect nothing, for they shall not be disappointed…” seriously. My few friends are either uber busy, or uber flaky, or in some cases BOTH. So I just didn’t bother… and you know what? Good choice. I asked my BFF (from 8th grade!!) to go wedding dress shopping with me ONCE and never got a call back and that was over a month ago.
I have been told in the past I expect “too much” from friendships so I’ve remedied that. 🙂
Sorry to be a downer with my cynical views… but I’ve learned to count on a select few.. Fiance, my kiddos, … yeah, that sums it up.