Post # 1
Needing some advice, please. Our son’s wedding is soon and my husband is layed off and I am disabled so our money situation isn’t that great right now. We are paying for the rehearsal dinner for the bridal party gladly. Our son’s fiancee, who we are excited about having in our family, parents are very well off financially have invited alot of people they are friends with to the rehearsal dinner. We cannot afford to pick up the tab for all of these people. There is 18 people in wedding party and they have invited a total of 40 people to dinner. We don’t want to be cheap about this but we cannot afford this. I didn’t make the reservation I was told about the dinner after the arrangements were made and the comment was made by her parents that if we can’t afford it they would pick up the tab because they wanted there friends at there daughters rehearsal dinner. It made me feel awful I thought this was our duty to make the reservations. So I have kept me mouth shut to not upset my son or my knew daughter to be. All of the wedding planning has been done by her mother, I wasn’t even invited to the bridal shower given by her mom’s friends. We feel like they are ashamed of us.
Post # 3
WOW. I’m sorry they have treated you this way! It sounds like you have been nothing but supportive of your son and future daughter in law and yet they have made you feel excluded. I would say the bride’s parents absolutely overstepped their bounds by booking the rehearsal dinner and inviting additional people after you offered to host the event. My family and I specifically asked my mother in law for a number of guests that she was comfortable with and we based out invites on that. They should have done the same. I think you are certainly fine to step up and say “I’m hosting the event and I can invite X number of guests and we will have to trim the invite list”. Maybe go through your son if you are more comfortable with that.
Post # 4
Wow, that is so rude of the in-laws! I would definitely say “We can afford to pay for x number of people” and then do that. If they want more people there, than they can pay for them. Paying for what you can is more noble than going into ridiculous amounts of debt to feed the in-laws’ friends. If they still look down on you for paying what you can then they are snobs!
Post # 5
For the most part if you are hosting, you have control over the guest list. They are overstepping their bounds. If you are okay with the extra people and them paying for it, then fine. But you are the host and if you and the couple want an intimate gathering, then that is your choice.
Post # 6
I’m so sad that they are treating you that way! That is awful! I agree with @Moose that maybe you can go through your son to discuss. It’s very generous of you to contribute anything you can, you should feel no shame and they are obviously going overboard and being snarky!
Post # 7
Awww I’m so sorry you’re being treated this way! I would probably have a conversation with your son about it and let him know the situation. As hosts of the dinner, you have final say on the guest list because you are paying for it. You can only afford what you can afford and if the bride’s parents’ extra guests are over your budget then they will either need to be trimmed off the list or the bride’s family will have to pay for them.
Post # 8
Thank you for all your replys I am so upset over this. When I went to the resturant where they were wanting to have the dinner to make arrangements I felt like a idot. The owner said the reservations had already been made the menu discussed plus it is for 40 people and I know I had this dumbfounded look on my face. This is how I found out. I am disabled, after having brain surgery a year ago plus don’t drive anymore and have offered over and over to help all I can with the wedding. It just makes me feel horrible.
Post # 9
Have you tried discussing this with your son? A wedding should be a happy time for everyone involved, you shouldn’t have this hanging over your head and casting a shadow on your memory of the event. Her parents may have thought they were doing you a favor by taking care of some of the arrangements… even though it really does seem like they overstepped their bounds here. I think it’s time for you to sit down with your son and your future daughter-in-law and discuss your feelings about all this. Hopefully you can strike some sort of compromise and really make them understand how much you want to be involved. Unfortunately, talking to us may make you feel a little better, but it doesn’t solve the problem… only talking to your son can do that.
Post # 10
It’s really rude of them to treat you this way. Just because they are in at a financial advantage doesn’t mean they can treat you like garbage. How arrogant and demeaning of them. Frankly it just shows you what kind of people they are. Sorry for the vent but for them to not even invite you to the bridal shower is just a slap in the face.
This is YOUR sons wedding as well, not just their daughters. I changed my post after seeing your update and am truly disguisted by your future daughter’s parents. This would be the appropriate time to discuss this with your son and your future daughter. Tell them how upset you are about the whole situation and how you’re been treated. At this point, I don’t see what the problem is with you standing up for yourself and speaking with the in-laws. I know many bees would disagree with this but there are boundaries and you should not tolerate this behavior any longer. They’ve crossed the line and you have a right to give them a big eff-u and an earful of your mind. It looks like they feel like they can treat you this way b/c you are disabled but let them know they can’t do this. What’s next… you not being invited to the wedding?
Post # 11
I don’t want to cause any hard feelings or make anyone mad. Throughout this past year of planning almost everything that my son and his fiancee have wanted has been changed by her parents. So my new daugher to be has been made to feel “ungreatful” for what all they are doing. She didn’t even get the wedding dress she really wanted they went and bought a different one then told her they got it! They made her feel ungreatful so she kept it. They went and changed everything where the reception is going to be, moved the place where the cake is going to be, changed her candles for lanterns changed menu etc… I think this wedding is for them and the impression they are trying to make on there friends instead of there daughter and my son.Tonight my son told her father we would only pay for the bridal party and that was all they wanted to be there. He said “I have already invited MY friends and I want them to come so just give me the bill”. I don’t really have the strength to argue with these people. My son’s fiancee just say, “Mom has worked so hard on this and I don’t want to hurt her feel”. I don’t understand these people.
Post # 12
Well just be honest and talk to your son.
Why not be the bigger person and invite the soon to be inlaws (her parents) over for dinner or to see a movie and do something fun together?
I think this can be overcome and yes, I do feel the brides’ parents are a bit overbearing. Was there ever face to face communication amongst all parents (bride and groom) about the wedding planning or the rehearsal dinner?
Weddings are stressful. And yes, I have friends who went thru something like this too. What you have to focus on is just being pleasant and getting through the events and try to have as much communication as you can with them and with your son and his fiance. The main thing is to find some common ground and build on that because soon all of you will be family.
So sorry you’re going thru this, but maybe with some more contact, a fun evening together (nothing wedding related and no wedding talk, just more getting to know each other and fun) and communication this can really turn around in a great direction for you and for everybody! You can do it.
Post # 13
Give him the bill. Then maybe give your son and daughter-in-law some money towards their honeymoon or something else that would be of help. These people sound rude and thoughtless, and I’d let them go their way. Your relationship with your son and daughter-in-law is the most important thing here, and you are being supportive, caring and loving.
How sad for your daughter-in-law and son. I can just imagine how they must feel putting up with her parent’s intrusion into her special day.
I wish you the best.
Post # 14
Of course you don’t want to start any dramatics. I just said for you to tell them to screw off b/c I was so boiling mad at their treatment of you, your husband and your son.
There is not a whole lot you can do in this situation. It seems as if your son and his future wife don’t have much of a say either. My worry is how her parents are going to start butting their heads into every aspect of their married life now… including all major financial decisions and family rearing. All you can do is be a caring, loving and supportive to both of them.
Post # 15
It’s definitely incosiderate of them to invite so many people when you were handling the rehersal dinner. I would tell them that you hadn’t planned on so many guests being invited. If invitations haven’t been given out yet, you could discuss changing the guest list. If that is not possible, I would suggest that you agree to pay a certain portion and they can pay the rest. It would be like you making a deposit for the event, and then they would receive the bill for any remaining balance due.
Post # 16
I have tried to be the bigger person and invite them to dinner. I am happy they are financial well off I really sincerely am. When I stated we are not in financial shape to help out very much I was not joking. My husband has been layed off for 5 months and I became disabled after brain surgery so my son knows our situation.
I want everyone to get along as a family and the children to have a wonderful wedding and happy life together. I have tried calling and there is always a reason, her family is busy or out of town so guess what I quit asking to get together. After 2 years of dating and a year of wedding planning you kinda get the idea when someone is avoiding a dinner.
I really feel they are embarassed of us, or don’t feel we are socially acceptable. I just cannot see having to go borrow the money to pay for a rehearsal dinner that I was never a part of planning . But I guess you do what you gotta do?