(Closed) Need Advice: Friend has 1st BF. I think they’re too serious

posted 9 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
551 posts
Busy bee

I am sure when I met my husband I had friends who felt like you did- I know my mom did! We also met online and when we finally met in person after about 2 weeks we moved in together. Fast forward a month- we bought a dog. 5 months into our relationship he mentions he has to go to Germany for 2 years for work and he would like me to come. 9 months into the relationship we got engaged. 12 months into the relationship we moved to Germany for 2 years.

Honestly unless you are there with them 24/7 you really do not know the dynamics of the relationship. My other word of warning is that her relationship may suck and may fizzle- but if she comes to you to complain I would still say nuetral and just listen and not give an opinion since they could fix it. 

Post # 18
Member
3135 posts
Sugar bee

@DVsMom:

I agree with you.

I too met my man online and we moved quickly  Mind you, we are both much older than 24.

But this might be part of her ‘growing up’.  Even if she moves and it doesn’t work, it might just be the phase in her life that is next.

I understand you’re worried for her, but you have to try not to be. 

Good luck!

Post # 19
Member
2467 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

i understand your concern–my hubby had a friend like this who met his first gf in his mid to late 20s and then was so appreciative that someone liked him, he let her totally control her. lt was exactly like the line from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off– “he’s gonna marry the first girl he lays, and she’s gonna treat him like shit, because she will have given him what he has built up in his mind as the end-all, be-all of human existence. She won’t respect him, ’cause you can’t respect somebody who kisses your ass.”

BUT with your friend, it doesn’t sound like you’ve seen any red flags yet, except they seem to be moving fast, but that’s subjective. hubby and i moved really fast at first, though we dated over 3 years before getting engaged. and if he demands she move and she doesn’t want to, that’s creepy…but, unless he starts trying to control her more, like dictating who she is friends with or something, i wouldn’t tell her you’re concerned.

Post # 20
Member
390 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@concernedfriend: My FH proposed to me after four months…actually more like 3 and 1/2. People looked at us skeptically, asked what was the rush, and overall were debbie downers. Here we are two years later, stronger than ever, and planning our wedding.

Just because they are so serious in four months isn’t a red flag. Sometimes when you meet the right person you just know. Now, the way you paint the future fiance makes him look pushy, but then again (and this is my 2 cents) you sound afraid to lose her. Consider that your fear may be playing into this. It’s not like he is demanding she move wherever he is without commitment. They are talking about getting engaged. So, based on what facts you have presented, I am inclined to say that he may not be a bad guy, but this worry you’re feeling is the fear of losing a best-friend.

Try to be happy for her, from personal experience I can honestly say it sucks being on the other side of this equation.

Post # 21
Member
13095 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Honestly – nothing there sounds like a red flag to me.

Darling Husband was my first boyfriend.  When we started dating, I was 20 and he was 21.  We told each other “I love you” after about 2 months.  Although we technically both lived in our Greek houses on campus, I stayed over in his room almost every night right from the start.  We dated almost 2 years before getting engaged, were engaged for 10 months, and have now been happily married for almost 9 months.

Not everyone needs to date a lot of people to find the right person for them.  Although I didn’t actively date much before Darling Husband, I was really good friends with a lot of guys.  Those friendships allowed me to see what I wanted and didn’t want in a partner.

I wouldn’t say anything to your friend and just try to be happy for her that she’s in a good relationship and she is happy.

Post # 22
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

I agree with previous posters; don’t say anything.

SO and I started talking seriously about our future after dating for six months, because we both knew that we were The One for each other. To outsiders that may have seemed too quickly, but it was the right thing for us. We’ve now been together for two years, been living together for 8 months and are happier than ever.

A good friend of mine told me at the time that I shouldn’t think about moving in with SO or moving to another town with him (as we are planning to do in a few years time), as “anything can happen”. She even had the nerve to say that I shouldn’t get too exicted about my relationship with SO because it might not last!

Honestly, I didn’t appreciate her rude and unsolicited advice and we haven’t spoke in the last year. As far as I’m concerned, people who are not supportive of my relationship with SO do not have a place in my life.

If you say something to your friend, there is a strong possibility that you will damage the friendship beyond repair.

Post # 23
Member
610 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I don’t see anything wrong with that. Some people just move faster than others in their realationships. Personally i wouldn’t move that fast but, everyones different.

Post # 24
Member
7586 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

I think you should stay out of it.

I met Darling Husband in June, we moved in together in September, engaged February, and married in December. Moving fast isn’t always bad if you feel it. However, I am 30 and this was not my first relationship. Hmm…maybe you should just say, “you guys are moving super fast” and see what her reaction is to that statement, before you go and perhaps ruin the friendship

Post # 25
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

I don’t see anything wrong and think you shouldn’t say anything. It’s nice to know you care about her so much. It sounds like you are great friends! But if she is happy, let her be happy! I moved in with my husband after dating 5 1/2 months. We got engaged 1 1/2 years later and here we are happily married. Now he wasn’t my first boyfriend, but had he been, I still may have done the same. When you know, you know!

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