(Closed) Need advice- frustrated with unique situation

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

In my opinion, you need to talk about all these “tough questions” and hash out the details of how you’d both like to live and raise your children before you get married. It’s super important to be on the same page about child rearing, religious beliefs, financial issues, etc. before getting married. Now is the time to discuss them, not after you tie the knot. Dont rush into anything before you’ve figured all of this out.

Post # 4
Member
583 posts
Busy bee

I think you guys are perfect for premarital counseling since helping you two figure out how you will navigate the differences in your upbringings, backgrounds, and beliefs is the whole point of premarital counseling.  

Post # 8
Member
8369 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

@MrsWBS:  Agree and if you do get married and then realise that your paths are different then I am pretty sure your immigration dept might be very interested. Not saying you would be doing anything wrong but from their perspective it might seem a little bit suspicious.

Other things to consider- are you able to financially support your new spouse until he is legally allowed to work? because this could be an issue and can add a lot of strain to a relationship.

You also do not mention how long you too have been together. This could be a factor to your paretns concerns especially given that marriage for visas is an all too common occurance (not saying this is the case).

Other options you could have is both of you moving to another country (you to study and him to work) whilst you determine if you guys are perfect for each other.

Post # 9
Member
583 posts
Busy bee

@WeyrSinger:  If you want an assessment focused premarital counseling program with a guidebook, PREPARE ENRICH is a good one (https://www.prepare-enrich.com/webapp/pe/couples/template/PEMainSiteCounselorSearch.vm).  But if you want more of exploratory counseling sessions that are less formal and help you guys work on communication and exploring differences and clarifying your visions for marriage, then I would recommend doing a general search for a Marriage & Family Therapist (MFT license) in your area.  You can PM me for more help, I’m actually a therapist myself and can help you find one.

Post # 10
Member
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I told him that I would be willing to get married if that becomes our only option.

I don’t think that you should get married because it is the only option to be in the same country. Get married because you can’t imagine life without him. If you’re not at that point yet then don’t get married.

I wish we had more time to work things out, but since our biggest challenges are so far in the future, waiting might not clear anything up anyway.

You do have  time. If his visa runs out, then he goes back to his country and you two can date long distance until you are ready to get married. In the meantime, I second PP suggestion at premarital counseling.

Post # 11
Member
11752 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@WeyrSinger:  well discussing them is really all you can do at this point. There are always unknowns and unforseen circumstances that you will have to navigate together down the road. Even the most “traditional” relationship is like this. If you have open communication and similar values and are able to compromise in tough situations, you’ve got a solid foundation to work with. You seem wary though, which is why I say don’t rush. Premarital counseling sounds like a great idea to work through some of your feelings together. Good luck!

Post # 12
Member
990 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

engaged encounter look this up there should be one in your area. It addresses issues like these in a retreat (over a weekend) and allows you to focus on yourselves. It is run by the Catholics but over 50% of participants are not Catholic! It not only focuses on what you are thinking about (kids) but money, living, and other marital “issues” or hot topics. I think you might find the retreat well worth your while and there should be one locally. For Ohio it is EngagedEncounter.org. I don’t know where you are so you will have to google it.

Post # 13
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Wow, some of this is like reading my own life-story.  I should start out by saying my father is a Muslim Iranian and my mother was born in Minnesota and is Lutheran.  My last serious boyfriend before my fiance was Jewish.  My fiance’s family are extremely devout Catholics.  In terms of the religious and ethic things at play I think I understand from a lot of different levels.

But I also understand where are you coming from with your parents.  My fiance and I are somewhat young (he more-so than me) and we got a lot of warnings about being too young to be married. The reality is, our generation has some big problems with staying married and it’s not clear to me that age is a factor at all, since the general trend is waiting to be married.  Our parents, and especially our parent’s parents were very young when they were married and the divorce rate was significantly lower.  This article isn’t totally related: 

http://www.salon.com/2012/08/15/i_was_a_teenage_bride/ 

But I added it because I think a lot of what she says rings really true when it comes to marrying young (or at least what any parent/relative/friend my perceive as young).  In the earlier (and I believe really up to the thirties even, very formative) years we lean on our significant others that much more and where she says that we “…lack the wisdom to doubt…” our relationships, I’d actually say it’s because we’re a lot less jaded and a lot more idealistic.  There’s no better plan to me than riding out the most trying early years of a relationship than with a heaping dose of idealism and faith that I can make things work.

My fiance in particular allievated his parents’ fears by just reminding them of who he actually is: a man that really would never have played the field and would never deviate from the path he’s basically on.  I hear you saying that you wanted a life of adventure and maybe your parents are queued in on that.  That’s something to think about too.  Really, you could come to regret anything.  If you married him to help him stay in the country you might regret it.  If you let him go you might regret it.  

I think you need to ask yourself if you’re fearful of him leaving because you adore him and want to spend your life with him or because you’ve merely entertained and romanticized the idea and don’t want to face a painful departure.  Sometimes, that’s tougher than you’d think to discern.

As far as the visa thing… I actually find that a larger issue than the people above.  Yes, you could do a long-distance relationship but it’s not simple for Iranians to get visas to come to this country.  I mean, the political climate is what it is. I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news but it’s something to think about.  This isn’t a stable area.  Some of my relatives have never been able to come here, even after we filled out the necessary paperwork outlining our financial support.  That being said, there are visiting fiance K-1 visas, however, you’d have to get married within 90 days of his arrival back into the country.  It can be hard to plan things like weddings and enjoy something like engagement over a distance.

Thankfully you didn’t make much mention of the religious/ethnic issues and it seems like you have supportive families.  But still, just to highlight it, you know, after what I’ve been raised with and the men I’ve been with in my personal life… It’s not a cliche: love bridges it.  People could argue with me but my parents were of different faiths but their love for me was central and my well-being was most-important.  They educated me on both of their faiths and cultures and ultimately, I chose my own spiritual path.  

If I’m being objective I’d be somewhat concerned about planning to spend any significant amount of time in Iran at the moment.  Have you ever been there?  While it’s not what it’s portrayed to be in the media, being there can be a jarring experience.  The people are absolutely lovely, kind, hospitable, and charming but the laws are what they are.  The first time I wanted to go and I told my uncle (who lives in Tehran) he asked, “Why?”  My Dad for one has never gone back.  

Finally, I’m sorry you’re finding yourself in this situation.  And it’s great you can come here to vent and get different viewpoints.  If you ever need to chat, feel free to PM me.  Best to you.

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