Post # 1
I have a dilemma. My fiance and I have been together for close to 6 years now. In January of this year, he proposed and we started planning our wedding. We picked a date out for October and got many of the necessary things in order – venue, photographer, caterer, florist, etc.
Then we realized that once we get married, I will be considered an “in-state” resident for the school I am attending at which I am currently considered an “out of state resident”.
The thing is that as an out of state resident, my tuition is close to $24,000 per semester and once I am considered an in-state resident, it would be close to $11,000.
We are now considering doing a small courthouse wedding between the two of us this summer to save $13,000. No one else would be present other than the two of us. We haven’t told anyone other than our immediate families and don’t plan on telling anyone else that is attending the wedding in the fall. For all intents and purposes, we would consider the October date as our actual wedding date and would celebrate anniversaries on this date and I wouldn’t wear my wedding band until that date. I understand that legally, our marriage date would be this summer but that doesn’t bother us.
My mom thinks it’s a great idea but my future Mother-In-Law wasn’t as on board. She thinks it would be dishonest for the guests who are attending. What do you guys think? Would you do it?
Post # 2
Do it and save the money. The wedding ceremony will still be magical and a great memory. No one has to know, including Mother-In-Law.
Post # 3
confusedbumble : I am in the camp that you have to do what is best for you and your family but I also wouldn’t feel right about omitting the fact that we were already married. I would personally get married and then still have the big party in October but I would let everyone know it was a marriage celebration. You know your family and friends best and if they would care whether you were already married or not.
Post # 4
confusedbumble : this makes no sense. whether you are “in state” or “out of state” is based on your residency, not your marital status.
Post # 5
I don’t support lying about being married when you have the celebration later. You want to get married now, fine. Whatever. But call it what it is later. A celebrating of marriage or renewal.
Anything else sounds like you just want people to show up for gifts and to fawn over you.
Post # 6
fancyllama : Thank you for the advice!
pussinboots83 : Thank you for your opinion. I guess I just worry that the guests won’t want to come to marriage celebration.
catskillsinjune : Actually it does make sense. My school grants residency status and in state tuition to students who marry someone who is a resident of the state the school is in. My fiance has been living in the state for well over a year and is considered a resident, so once I marry him, I will be granted residency status as well. Trust me, I’ve looked into this extensively and spoken with the university in person.
Post # 7
Effing do it bee and don’t worry 2 seconds about judgy mcjudgersons who feel entitled to this personal information. True friends and supportive family members will be happy to celebrate with you no matter what.
Post # 8
I don’t think you should lie to people. It bothers me that people are so willing to reap the benefits of being legally married while scoffing at the “legal” part of it.
I would probably look at moving the wedding up, or at least changing it to a celebration. Lots of people have “at home receptions” when they do a dw or something, I would treat it as the same. Its a significant cost savings, but I do think people will be upset WHEN (not if) they find out you lied to them.
Post # 9
$13,000 is a big savings so it makes a lot of sense to sign the paperwork a couple of months early.
Just beware that feelings on this subject are very mixed. Some people will say to keep it a complete secret, others will say everyone deserves to know. There’s been some horror stories of people trying to keep it a secret and other people finding out, causing a lot of anger about the secrecy. There’s also been stories of couples being open with their friends/families and people being offended they weren’t “good enough” to be invited to the “real” wedding and not coming to the celebration. There doesn’t seem to be a right answer with how to deal with telling vs. not telling people.
Lots of drama around this topic.
Personally I know three couples who did this (only one had a “legitimate” reason like you do) and no one cared. A couple of people were annoyed but still came to the party. If it were me, I would do it and just tell people. I’m terrible at lying and would just feel better not having to keep that a secret. I would find $13,000 worth dealing with any headaches from displeased relatives or friends.
Post # 10
confusedbumble : I would do it, and I support you keeping it a secret. That’s a lot of money. People get on such a high horse about these sort of things and nitpick so much over what you call a reception – it’s ridiculous. Save the 13K and have the wedding you want.
Post # 11
Do it and save the money, it’s a no brainier to me. That’s a massive amount of money to save, which is essential while you’re still studying.
Post # 12
confusedbumble : Any time you feel the need to lie, it’s for one of two reasons. Either you know what you’re doing is wrong — in which case, instead of lying you should just not do that wrong thing; or you know what you’re doing isn’t wrong but you’re worried that other people will think it is — in which case, instead of lying you should just do your thing and stand up for yourself. *
What is the consequence you’re trying to avoid by not being honest about the earlier wedding? In other words, “I don’t want to tell people because I’m afraid that…… [what?]”
(* This obviously doesn’t apply to someone lying to protect their safety. If someone tells an abusive spouse “I’m going to the store” when they’re escaping to their parents house, good for them!)
Post # 13
Also, since you’ve already told people who have expressed their unhappiness, it’s very unlikely to stay a secret.
Post # 14
It seems silly not to do it. Guests will still want to come to a wedding celebration. My friends got married in the Caribbean last fall and had a big reception a few weeks later, all of their friends and family were there and no one cared that they were already married. The key is to be honest about it.
Post # 15
confusedbumble : I also got legally married much earlier than our planned wedding date due to Financial Aid from college. We ended up having immediate family at the courthouse wedding, and were open about the fact since it was a full 2.5 years before our wedding date! We debated a lot on keeping it a secret, but didn’t see much benefit in staying quiet, especially with so much time until the wedding. We are however, still calling it a WEDDING, because it’s going to be our public declaration to each other. If people get their panties in a bunch over wording, they don’t have to come to the super expensive party I’m throwing for them! Simple as that.
In your situation, I can see why you’d want to keep it secret. I say go for it, if that’s what you want. Those who love you and support your relationship will understand, and ultimately not really care. You sign the marriage liscense at the county clerk’s office anyway, which no one else sees. I think the emotional and public declaration is much more substantial than filing paperwork with the government.