(Closed) Need advice, holiday travel related!

posted 8 years ago in Married Life
  • poll: Do you ever refuse to travel during the holidays?
    Yes! Now that we're married/a family we have our own holidays in our home : (8 votes)
    20 %
    No, my extended family would never allow it : (7 votes)
    18 %
    Sometimes : (23 votes)
    58 %
    Other : (2 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    739 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2009

    I’m in a very similar situation.  My husband and I live in MD, my parents live in MA and his family lives in TX.  We try to make our families happy but also find something that doesn’t make us crazy, i.e. I’ve told him that we can travel to one family per holiday but never both families – we’d end up exhausted and worn out!  At this point, we’re still figuring things out and we are taking each holiday as it comes based on finances, other commitments, work schedules, etc, etc.  I’ve found that as long as we’re clear in communicating our plans in a kind way with plenty of notice, the family has understand.  Since this is your first Christmas as a married couple, can you let them know that You’d like to stay home and start making your own traditions?  Maybe you can go next year but you’d like this year for you two. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    4385 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    Honestly, I would just stay in NYC and have TG with your husband. I think since the two of you are a family now, that’s totally acceptable. We live near FI’s family, so we always go over there, but we have friends who are both 14 hours away from their families (and both families are in the same city!!) and they stayed HERE for CHRISTMAS last year.

    You might get some rude comments, but since they’re family, they’ll get over it 🙂

    Post # 6
    Member
    4385 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2011

    @moderndaisy: RE your last comment about your mom controlling family traditions – Now might be a good time to stand up for yourself here. Seriously, your husband and you are a new family and you’re going to make your own traditions. What happens when you have kids, are you going to pack them up and drag them everywhere on holidays? Just some food for thought!

    Post # 7
    Member
    14183 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I don’t know why you can’t just stay in NYC and have thanksgiving with your husband. Sure your folks will complain but they’ll deal.

    My parents never traveled for thanksgiving when we were kids. It was always the 4 of us.

    my parents are always bugging us to come visit them but we don’t want to, and it’s not feasible because Darling Husband actually works holidays. My mom is coming up for a week for thanksgiving (also have lasik on her eyes) and my dad isn’t even coming–he says he just wants to stay home. Does part of me think that’s selfish? yes–because it’s not like my mom AND him are home…just him. Does part of me think, “eh, he’s a big boy?” Yes. 

    Post # 9
    Member
    13096 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    I said “Other”.

    I have a similar situation to you.  Darling Husband and I live in TX, my family is in IN, and his family is in GA.  At this point in our lives, we will be always traveling for both Thanksgiving and X-mas (my family for TG, his for X-mas this year and then switch next year and so on).  We rarely get to see our families since they are so far away so this is one of our few opportunities to do so.  Plus, with my family, the entire extended family (except us and one other cousin) is in IN so it doesn’t make sense for ALL of them to travel when it could be just us.

    Once Darling Husband and I have kids though, I do anticipate this changing.  I woke up in my house in my bed X-mas morning every year and celebrated X-mas with my parents and siblings only.  I LOVED this growing up and want my kids to experience the same.  So once we have kids, we very well may start planning to stay at home for major holidays.  We’ll also have a house by then (instead of the apartment we are in now) and will have the space that we COULD actually host these holiday events.

    You and your husband just have to decide what works best for you both and your families will need to understand that.  You have you own (albeit small) family now and have to make decisions that best benefit that unit.

    Post # 11
    Member
    2426 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    This will be the first year I’ve ever had to figure out where to go for the holidays.  I would LOVE to not travel anywhere for Thanksgiving, but I’m afraid that’s going to be a huge upset in my mom’s house.  I just got married, my little sister is getting married next week, and I’m afraid my mom will have an all out meltdown that her whole family is leaving her…it’s cute in a sad way.  So, I guess we’ll suck it up and travel. 

    I do feel your pain on the having to help out part.  I’m the oldest in my family and I ALWAYS get stuck cleaning/cooking/etc on the holidays.  I mostly don’t mind beings I enjoy being in the kitchen, but in years past, help would have been appreciate from my other siblings.  I do have a rule.  I do love me some football and I live for the Cowboys (even though they’re breaking my heart this year)…so if people aren’t on time and get dinner started on time, I will get up in the middle of dinner to go and watch the ball game.  lol

    Post # 13
    Member
    1569 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 1996

    We are on the opposite side of the country from all of our families, and last year we made the cross-country trip for both Thanksgiving and Christmas. I wasn’t even working then and even I said “We are never doing this again.” It wasn’t horrible, we didn’t encounter any awful travel disasters, it’s just too much time and too much money and too much hassle to visit again (our families live in the same place) after such a short period of time between. So last Christmas, I invited my family to come and spend Christmas 2010 out in Seattle with us. My mom was thrilled and they’ve got their plane tickets booked. My sister will stay in our guest room and my parents have got a nearby hotel. We’ll travel for Thanksgiving because my in-laws always have a lot of relatives over, so it’d be hard to ask them to give that up and come visit us. I’m giddy to be able to host Christmas with my family at our house. I really, really wouldn’t ever want to celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas without being with at least one of our families, though I expect this will happen eventually. My husband and I just don’t see the value in staying alone for a holiday if we can avoid it. Since we are dual-income-no-kids right now, we’re able to make that happen.

    In your situation, it seems that your conundrum has not so much to do with holidays, but with your mother’s general habit of the way she treats you when you come down on other occasions. Have a talk with her. Visiting someone else’s home, even if that person is your mother, should not require any expected manual labor from you now that you’re an adult, though of course every guest should at least offer to help if there’s a lot of work to do. Explain to your mom how much you enjoy spending time with her and the family, but that you find the labor she demands from you to be so exhausting that it’s driving you away from ever wanting to go visit. Suggest that she cut back the elaborate meals to major holidays only, and that at other get-togethers you just get takeout or make spaghetti and then enjoy relaxing together. Hopefully she’ll understand that she’s expecting too much from you.

    Post # 15
    Member
    1927 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I’m lucky that my in laws and parents live close to each other so we don’t have to fight over who we see for each holiday.  But, my husband and I live halfway across the country from them.  At my work, I can take of time around Thanksgiving, or around Christmas, not both.  And Christmas is more important for us to spend with family so that’s when we chose to go home.  Since I’m a plane ride away I can’t go home for TG without taking any time off so it’s out of the question.  Hubs and I have TG with friends here in Nashville.  I’m sure parents have to understand that holiday traditions will change once their children grow up and start families of their own.

    P.S. Thanksgiving out at a restaurant in NYC is always a delightful experience.  All the food without the clean up.  DO IT.

    Post # 16
    Member
    13096 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    @moderndaisy: Yeah – it is something I remember explicitly loving every year growing up.  We still did X-mas celebrations with both my mom’s and dad’s side of the family (usually one X-mas afternoon and one the day after X-mas) so we got the celebrate with all the grandparents, aunts uncles, and cousins, but Christmas mornings were always at home with the immeadiate family only.

    Darling Husband and I also want to eventually live near family.  His family is north of Atlanta and my parents recently bought a home in south GA that they will eventually retire to.  Darling Husband and I went to school in Atlanta and would love to move back there someday.  Then future kids would be less than an hour from one set of grandparents and about 5-6 hours from the other.  Now hopefully we can make that all work out! 🙂

    The topic ‘Need advice, holiday travel related!’ is closed to new replies.

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