(Closed) Need Advice!! Husband Cheated :(

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Would you stay and give him another chance or move on?

    Stay and give him a 2nd chance

    Divorce

  • Post # 47
    Member
    4302 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Considering this situation, I would forgive him. He obviously made a bad mistake.  He realized it was wrong straight away, came clean to you and is remorseful.  It will be difficult, but you will be able to do it.  Wish you both the best.

    Post # 48
    Member
    1722 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 1998

    I’m with the others – this was a one-time blip, not an ongoing  affair. What he should have done is immediately get tested for STIs…and then zip his trap (although this is a bit more complicated, as apparently he had friends to attest to it – so no reason he was worried it would get back to you. On that account, if he had reason to think you would find out, he was probably right to tell you).

    What’s selfish here is that he could have exposed himself to an infection…then went another month being intimate with you. Either he wasn’t thinking clearly, or he didn’t care that he may have been exposing BOTH of you to something awful. He should’ve tested immediately, then at least abstained until he was confident he checked out.

    He came clean, like the others said, to clear his own conscience. What a nice relief for him, and what a painful burden for you.

    I’d talk to a counselor right away. I think that’s often the best past to healing, should you choose to do so.

    Post # 49
    Member
    8434 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I think it’s good that he came clean.  Those bees that say him ‘telling you is the cruelest thing he could’ve done’ are wrong; the cruelest thing was getting a blowjob from a strange woman while being married to you.  Only you can decide if you have it in you to forgive him and move past this.  I agree with everyone that recommends couples’ counseling if you do stay together.  So sorry you’re going through this, *HUGS*

    Post # 50
    Member
    5421 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 2012

    I think it really depends on if you have the ability to moveon from it. I don’t think I could, but one really never knows unless one tries. 

    Post # 51
    Member
    9129 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    @Annabelles:  I think this is salvageable depending on whether you can learn to trust him again.  The fact that he came out and told you is admireable and it really was a drunken mistake rather than a relationship with another woman.  His friends are d*cks for encouraging this behavior though and I would find them suspect and untrustworthy meaning that DH would have to find new friends.  I would seriously recommend couples counseling for you and your husband to find a way to work through this.  I think having a neutral third party to encourage open and honest discussions about how you both feel and why this happened is an extremely important part of the grieving and healing process you both need to go through in order to deal with this situation.

    Post # 52
    Member
    3635 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

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    @RayKay:  Very, very well said! I agree 100%.

     

     

    Post # 53
    Member
    3716 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: City, State

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    @Annabelles:  What doesn’t make sense to me is why he was in a room alone with her. Where were his friends? Did they encourage this? Then Iwould demand those friendships were over. Did they try to stop it? 

    Post # 54
    Member
    2638 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: November 2006

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    @jessdoxy:  Agreed. I’d have a lot of questions about the circumstances because you don’t just fall into getting a blowjob and THEN realize how wrong it is.

    That said, given the circumstances and how sorry he truly seems to be (he did come clean!), I’d probably forgive this one. Cheating is not always a fatal blow to a relationship in my book.

    Just don’t tell my husband that. LOL.

    Post # 55
    Member
    641 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: February 2013

    If you choose to forgive him, it will be very very hard.  I went through a similar situation 2 years ago with Fiance.  I am truly just now starting to completely forgive him and trust him. 

    It is hard, you will be angry for a long time, hate the friends he was with, wont feel comfortable letting him do things by himself, etc.

    But one day, you will work through it, you will trust him again, the anger will go away, and you will eventually be able to truly let go of the past.

    In all honeslty, we are only human.  People are married for 40, 50, even 60 years.  It has to be more common than we think for these things to happen. 

     

    Post # 56
    Member
    48 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I would give it my all to work through it. He seems like he is very remorseful for his mistake and it would be a pity to let a few minute mistake get in the way of a happy life with your hubby. Be strong through this time. In the end it will all work out, if its not worked out then it isn’t the end. 

    Post # 57
    Member
    903 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

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    @Annabelles:  I just want to say I’m so sorry this happened to you, and I totally understand why you would wish he hadn’t told you. I know this is not a popular opinion with some, but I think if someone cheats and they honestly and genuinely made a mistake and will never do it again, they should live with the guilt and keep it to themselves. He may have said he was telling you because he thought it was right, but I think he was just trying to assuage his guilt, and unfortunately it was at your expense.

    I do think you’ll probably need some time to decide your next move. I’m sure everything must feel so raw right now. I’ll be thinking of you and I wish you all the best!

    Post # 58
    Member
    11734 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Idk this is such a tough situation.  

    First and foremost, I don’t think anyone can ever classify cheating as a mistake – it wasn’t a mistake, it was a conscious choice. 

    I do think it’s good he came to you (I would have preferred NEVER knowing if it was a 1 time thing that would never happen again).

    I definitely think if it was a 1 time thing you guys can work through it with lots of hard work and counseling.  I don’t think you just pretend it never happened and move on.  I’d have to go to counseling and get to the bottom of WHY it happened.  

    I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I cannot even imagine 🙁

    Post # 59
    Member
    9120 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

    I’m so sorry 🙁  After 10 years together, I would try to forgive him.  

    My Fiance and I have been through some ups and downs including this kind of thing (except on my part unfortunately).  I can tell you from experience that in order to move on (if you choose to do so), you need to make a conscious decision to not only forgive, but to forget.  Obviously this won’t happen overnight, but it needs to be the end result.  That means not only realizing that he knows he fucked up and won’t do it again, but really doing your best to put it out of your mind.  DO NOT hold it over him in future fights or let it add on to any disagreement or grudge that you have with him.  If you choose to move on, you really need to move on.  

    (With the exception of getting counseling if you want, holding him to his pledge to stop drinking, etc.  Actions that minimize any kind of repeat are definitely a good idea.  Maybe insist he starts wearing a wedding ring?)

    Good luck sweets.

    Post # 60
    Member
    1576 posts
    Bumble bee

    I think given that he was drunk and realised right away that what he did was wrong and that he came to you about it means a lot. I think that you two can grow even closer after an incident like this and that you should give him a second chance. Perhaps go to a marriage counselor to discuss any insecurities or worries that may pop up between you because of this – I think counseling would help you get through this more smoothly. Best of luck to you both, hun! *hug*

    Post # 61
    Member
    409 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I am so sorry you are going through this and I really hope you cheer up soon.

    Personally if this happened to me then in this case I would give my husband a second chance.  It was not something that has been going on for the entire month, it sounds like he is truly sorry, and even though he probably could of kept it a secret forever he decided to be honest a about it.

    I voted to give him a second chance only because that is something that I would do.  But it is not up to me.

    Right now you are finding it impossible to trust him.  Do you honestly think that you will be able to trust your husband in the future?  Do you think that this situation will be a dark cloud the rest of your life or do you think that you will be able to move past it.

    If you don’t think that you will be able to build the trust in your marriage or if you don’t want to then I would say to get out. 

    If you think that you will be able to get past this then I would recommend you letting him know that even though you forgive him that it will take a while to build that trust again.  If he is really sorry and want to work things out then he will be okay with you being extra suspicious.

    Finally.  What if the roles were reversed.  What if you were the one to cheat on your husband and it was only the once, would you want him to forgive you? 

    Finally before you found this out.  What was your marriage like?  Would you say you were happy?  Would you say it was a good marriage.  Marriage does have their ups and downs and only you can decide for yourself if you want to resolve this issue or move on.

    I wish you the best of luck

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