I have to admit, I’m surprised by how many here are posting that he “sounds sorry” and “he loves you so much.” Ugh – seriously? Of course he’s sorry – he’s in trouble now. And has for how much he loves you … that’s a gray area for me. Personally, loving someone so much means not letting someone else touch your genitals.
OP, I would actually be less concerned about the specifics of the sexual contact, and more specific about how the whole thing unfolded. It’s not like he just woke up and a crazy woman had broken into his room and orally raped him. (And yes, men can definitely be raped.) He went through the process of allowing this situation to unfold.
IMPO, a married man has no business being in a hotel room with a woman who is not his wife – and why in the world would he be under the covers?! Sorry, but there’s only one reason for that kind of behaviour. He touched her, she touched him – he was complicit in this, from the beginning. That is what jumps out at me. It’s not like she just suddenly, in a public area, groped his private area and he jumped back and told her off – this was something he agreed to be part of.
I also wonder about his friends. Where were they? Did they know what was going on? Did they try to stop it, or did they try to encourage it?
The fact that he gave you a partial confession speaks volumes too.
If I were in your shoes, I seriously doubt I would be able to salvage this marriage. Adultery is a big, big deal, IMO.
However, let’s say that forgiveness and moving on is the goal. Here would be my conditions:
1. Counselling, both together and apart. Regularly. Multiple sessions. For us, specifically as Christians, I would require both religious-based counselling and secular.
2. Sobriety. If he’s going to blame his behaviour on drinking (lame), then no more drinking.
3. If his friends were witness to his indiscretion and did not make honest attempts to stop it, they would no longer be welcome in our home, period. No exceptions.
By the way, for those mentioning that he should wear a wedding ring from now on – not the solution. A wedding ring does not keep people from cheating if they are so inclined, and it is not meant to put the partner’s mind at ease that their spouse is not straying. Other people and their perceptions of the spouse (single/not single) is not what this problem is about. The problem is about the married person who makes a decision to cheat. You should not have to “tag” your partner to warn everyone to stay away.
OP, I’m sorry this situation has happened, and I hope whatever you decide, you find peace.