(Closed) Need Advice!! Husband Cheated :(

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Would you stay and give him another chance or move on?

    Stay and give him a 2nd chance

    Divorce

  • Post # 122
    Member
    20 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: May 2000

    I think he is really sorry.

     

    But maybe you should go to a family consultant and maybe he/she can help with how you are feeling and how he is feeling. It is important to find the causes that led to him getting off guard with this girl.

     

    Also, you should get tested too.

     

    If you are both worried about STIs, try this website as it is completely discrete, fast and easy to use service.

     

    I’ve used it before getting married and it saved me time and embarrasment.

     

    Hope it helps!

     

    Post # 123
    Member
    46 posts
    Newbee

    “I will keep digging for more until I feel like I’m getting the whole truth (who  knows if ever will at this point, but now that he admitted it to me I can’t help  but want to know the whole story.)”

     

    He told you. If your’e going to forgive him, please let it end there. Asking for details of a drunken encounter that was unintentional on his part is beating a dead horse. I hope that you can find it in your heart to let it go. Counselling and forgiveness.

    Post # 125
    Member
    678 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    You know that nobody can make this decision for you. As long as you are at peace with your choice, that is all that matters.

    Some details jump out at me. It took ten years for you and your husband to get married. That shows that perhaps he did not want to get married, especially since your husband cheated so early in the marriage. It does not take anyone a decade to know if they want to commit to someone. What reasons did he give for cheating? Also, married people should know not to put themselves in certain situations. Why were they lying in bed together in the first place?

    I grew up seeing men cheat so I do not believe that it is wise for any wife to trust her husband completely. I know women cheat too, but I also believe that the vast majority of men will cheat if they have the chance. I trust my husband to a point but my experiences have taught me never to trust a man blindly. Sorry, but generally men are pigs. I know this sounds awful but you must understand that ALL the men in my family were cheaters, even my quiet and unassuming dad. This is why I am so cynical and unforgiving. I would be hurt if my husband cheated, but I wouldn’t be surprised. He is a man after all. 

    One of the reasons I don’t want children is I don’t want to feel like I have to stay with my husband if he ever starts to mistreat me. My mother, like so many other women in her generation, stayed with my father after his affair even though it killed her inside. She hasn’t been happy with my father since his affair came out nearly twenty years ago. I lost respect for my mother when I saw her cooking and cleaning for my dad after what he did. Any man that cheated on me would no longer have his clothes washed or his food cooked. 

    Cheating so early in the marriage is a bad sign. My advice would be to separate and attend individual counseling as well as couples counseling. This is a huge blow to your new marriage and to your self-esteem. Ask yourself if your husband would be forgiving if you did the same thing. It is normal to want to know all of the details and your husband should disclose anything you want to know.

    Having access to all of his passwords doesn’t mean anything, if your husband took out another cell phone which you didn’t know about or a new credit card. Remember that it is foolish to completely trust someone who has shown that they cannot be trusted.

    I was under the impression that oral sex was not intercourse, but it was still sex. I also think that receiving a blow job is still very intimate and should only be shared with a married person’s spouse. 

    I am so sorry this is happening. You will forgive on your own time and not a moment before. Try not to get your family involved until you are sure you want to leave him. If you tell everyone and you decide to reconcile, your family may not be so forgiving and welcoming. I think that most women are too forgiving and quick to let a cheating liar back into their hearts. 

    Post # 126
    Member
    1118 posts
    Bumble bee

    Ok I voted forgive him until I read your update. Wow how disgusting! At first i thought he really cared and wanted you to know he made a mistake but no he just Told you because he felt GUILTY as he should because he IS. He knew what he was doing. He wanted it to go down. For all you know it wasn’t just a bj. He lied TO YOUR FACE about what really happened because he wanted to get it off his chest and you forgive him. I most certainly would contact the girl and ask to speak to her face to face about what happened then decide where to go from there. I would feel even more betrayed by him lying about her finishing. He had a few minutes to decide if what he was doing was right or not but he obviously didn’t care about his wife at home and let this skank finish him?? Ugh it disgusts me for you I would be so mad I don’t know if I could forgive him Or ever trust him again. 

    Post # 127
    Member
    3081 posts
    Sugar bee

    @Annabelles:  Yes there is something that speaks to his character for telling you rather than most stories where you happen to find out and then they are so distraught about what they have done…yet yesterday it didnt bother them!

    However, none of us can answer this. With most cheating cases my first response is leave, but this sounds like something that can possibly be worked out.

    however, its not that easy. You both are going to have a lot of feelings to deal with. If you forgive him, you must let it go. Dont hold on to it and let it turn into resentment. I suggets seeing a couples counselor.

    Post # 128
    Member
    208 posts
    Helper bee

    It took a LOT of courage for him to be honest with you and it is plainly obvious he feels cut to the heart over what he did. Plus, you don’t have to doubt he loves you. I would definitely give him a second chance and work on rebuilding trust. The level up distress you feel is normal, but please……don’t hold this incident over his head for the rest of your lives or else your marriage will end up imploding. Also, please do the right thing and keep this issue between the two of you. There is no reason to overshare with family members and make a serious problem even more serious. 

    If your husband felt no remorse and was a cocky bastard about the whole matter, it would be a different story entirely. That kind of person doesn’t deserve another minute in your presence, let alone a second chance. 

    I am hoping, in time, you can get past this and continue on in the happy, trusting relationship you enjoyed before. Just don’t expect that to return overnight. 

    Post # 129
    Member
    470 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    He wasn’t honest. Demand the truth from him and if he won’t give it then ask this girl. By the way, I would probably end the marriage as it sounds like he initiated all of it and then lied…

     

    Post # 130
    Member
    113 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    First off, I am so, so sorry that you are dealing with this. This is a terrible situation and just know that you are not to blame for this in any way. *hugs*

    It was a horrible, disgusting, and MASSIVE mistake that he made. The fact that he came to you and is so so so sincerely sorry and is willing to stop drinking so much and get an STI test is a big deal. He is sincerely sorry. Don’t let this mistake take over your life. You two sound like you have always had and still do have a very open relationship. The fact that he confessed this to you proves that.

    The bible verse, Romans 5:8 sticks out in my mind and in my heart:

    “But God demonstrates His own love toward us, in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

    This verse shows the mercy of God and how he chose to die for me and you even though, I know, I don’t deserve that kind of love or that kind of mercy.

    It’s easy to say that what your husband did was horrible, because it was. And it’s easy to say that you’ll never forgive him. And as hard as it might be, it’s still easier to shut him out of your life and move on and reject his sincere applogy than have to face betrayl every morning for the rest of your life when you look into your husband’s eyes.

    This is not something that will be easy. Choosing to forgive and to love him admist his sin and his horrible betrayl is HARD.

    I would suggest you two see a marriage counselor, that he stop spending time with his drinking buddies and that you two KEEP THIS PRIVATE. You do not need your mom, sister or girlfriends knowing about this. This is between the two of you and you should keep it private.

    God Bless you, and good luck.

    Post # 131
    Member
    719 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I have to admit, I’m surprised by how many here are posting that he “sounds sorry” and “he loves you so much.” Ugh – seriously? Of course he’s sorry – he’s in trouble now. And has for how much he loves you … that’s a gray area for me. Personally, loving someone so much means not letting someone else touch your genitals.

    OP, I would actually be less concerned about the specifics of the sexual contact, and more specific about how the whole thing unfolded. It’s not like he just woke up and a crazy woman had broken into his room and orally raped him. (And yes, men can definitely be raped.) He went through the process of allowing this situation to unfold.

    IMPO, a married man has no business being in a hotel room with a woman who is not his wife – and why in the world would he be under the covers?! Sorry, but there’s only one reason for that kind of behaviour. He touched her, she touched him – he was complicit in this, from the beginning. That is what jumps out at me. It’s not like she just suddenly, in a public area, groped his private area and he jumped back and told her off – this was something he agreed to be part of.

    I also wonder about his friends. Where were they? Did they know what was going on? Did they try to stop it, or did they try to encourage it?

    The fact that he gave you a partial confession speaks volumes too.

    If I were in your shoes, I seriously doubt I would be able to salvage this marriage. Adultery is a big, big deal, IMO.

    However, let’s say that forgiveness and moving on is the goal. Here would be my conditions:

    1. Counselling, both together and apart. Regularly. Multiple sessions. For us, specifically as Christians, I would require both religious-based counselling and secular.

    2. Sobriety. If he’s going to blame his behaviour on drinking (lame), then no more drinking.

    3. If his friends were witness to his indiscretion and did not make honest attempts to stop it, they would no longer be welcome in our home, period. No exceptions.

    By the way, for those mentioning that he should wear a wedding ring from now on – not the solution. A wedding ring does not keep people from cheating if they are so inclined, and it is not meant to put the partner’s mind at ease that their spouse is not straying. Other people and their perceptions of the spouse (single/not single) is not what this problem is about. The problem is about the married person who makes a decision to cheat. You should not have to “tag” your partner to warn everyone to stay away.

    OP, I’m sorry this situation has happened, and I hope whatever you decide, you find peace.

    Post # 132
    Member
    134 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    I think that people are quick to divorce when something like this happens.  I’ve been cheated on before (in fact, he left me and married the woman he cheated on me with), but I realize that I have some responsibility for what happened.  Not that what he did was justified, but it takes a very strong person to forgive and learn from it.  Your husband clearly wants to move forward with you.  I would try working it out, and you would be a stronger couple for it.

    Post # 133
    Member
    3206 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

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    @chercee:  

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    @destinwed:  

    Just a heads up that the original post is about 9 months old.

     

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