Post # 1
Okay, so. I used to have a different account but that relationship ended and I decided to make a new one.
I’m sorry if this is all over the place. I may have difficulty explaining everything.
I used to live in state X, but a few months ago I moved to state Y. I dated someone in state X for a little while but we decided to end things when I moved. We stayed in contact frequently and knew we both cared for each other but logistically we did not want a LDR. I think somewhere in the last couple months we ended up on different pages though. I thought we had given up any idea of remaining a couple and had mentally prepared myself to move on, despite our frequent communication.
I ended up going on a few dates with different men but wasn’t meeting anyone that was a good fit. So when my ex brought up coming out to visit me and check out state Y I agreed. Literally in that same week I met someone new that sparked my interest. I SHOULD have told him right away about my situation and that I had my ex coming to visit. BUT I don’t move fast with relationships. It takes me a couple of months for me to feel close enough with someone to want to be exclusive. Defining the relationship is a big deal to me. And it seemed like the timeframe would work out, my ex could come visit before I would decide anything about this new guy.
Anyway, so I continuted to go on dates with this new fella. And it moved faster than I was expecting. After a couple of weeks he gave me a key to his place and told me he’s “been calling me his gf to people”. I didnt really say anything to this. Maybe because of the way it was framed. He wasn’t starting a conversation about it, just stating that he’s been doing it. I don’t know why I didnt speak up about wanting to take things slower!! I feel like I’ve been going along with whatever la la la and not even being an active participant in my life and now I was honest with me ex about meeting someone, because I thought that’s what we were doing, and he is really upset with me. He was maybe anticipating talking about ‘us’ on his trip to visit me. And I just feel all around terrible. My residual feelings for him are interfering with me developing real feelings for the new guy and I don’t want to hurt either of them.
But I don’t think it would work to be in a relationship with my ex. I don’t want a LDR again. I’ve been there, done that. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel things for him. There is chemistry and potential with new guy but this is all clouding it. What should I do?? Tell new guy what’s going on and bringing some baggage to the new relationship or tell my ex to cancel his ticket?? Someone is going to be hurt either way. I feel like a big idiot. I don’t know. I just want to go hide in a hole.
Post # 2
charmington: I think you’ve made up your own mind here. I’m not advising you to stay with the new guy, in particular, but I think you need to cut ties with your ex so that you can start living your own life. You have a fresh start in Y state so why hold on to X state? There’s no reason for it, and you seem open minded about meeting new people. Live in the moment you are in with whoever is in it with you and don’t sweat what you left behind. You left it for a reason, so start enjoying things as they are now and have new experiences.
Good luck! xoxo
Post # 3
Tell your ex to cancel the ticket. 🙂
Post # 4
Yea your ex is an ex… why let him hold you back from a new relationship?
Post # 5
Tell your ex to cancel his ticket, and learn to communicate with people. If you’re uncomfortable with something, or want clarification, talk about it. It can be difficult at times, but it’s the only way to avoid bigger situations like this.
Post # 6
charmington: Stop being emotionally dependant on your ex. Tell him to cancel the visit and cut ALL ties to him. You moved and you need to know you are OK on your own. It sounds like you are afraid to be on your own. Don’t jump from relationship to relationship, know you can take care of yourself without having to have attention from a man.
Post # 7
If this new guy (in state Y) wasn’t in the picture, would you tell your ex to cancel his ticket?
You also have to ask yourself if you truly have feelings for the new guy or not, regardless of your feelings for your ex. I too don’t know why you didn’t say anything about things moving too fast. I would personally be hurt if I was in his shoes because your lack of saying anything is giving him the go ahead to move at that pace.
I truly understand having feelings for 2 guys at the same time as I’m going through it myself. But, if you really think it won’t work with the ex, then you need to cut ties and let him find someone else.
Post # 8
- Wedding: July 2012 - The Gables Inn, Santa Rosa, CA
charmington: Regardless of the new guy, you have expressed that you don’t have any interest in continuing a relationship with your ex. You need to make this clear to him (if you haven’t already) and discuss his motives for coming to visit – if it’s purely platonic and he just wants to see the state and you’re are comfortable with telling the new guy that he’s visiting, then great… if any off those things aren’t the case, you should recommend he cancels it.
So far, you haven’t done anything that needs to be explained to the new guy yet – it’s a misunderstanding that you’re going to resolve before anything CAN happen. If you don’t want a future with your ex and you’re just remaining friends, then you shouldn’t have an issue telling that to the new guy (hell, my ex married my husband and I, we’re all still very close – nothing says you can’t stay friends with an ex!) But the second you’re actively choosing to NOT tell the new guy about your interactions with your ex it’s a giant red flag for both of you.
Personally, since you still have residual feelings, I’d recommend ending all contact with one or both of these guys to avoid any further emotional turmoil for you or them, and when it comes to romance, you’ve made it clear you’re not interested in a LDR and the reasons you broke up with your ex haven’t changed. Maybe take a break from talking for a while to allow BOTH of you to fully move on and see if the friendship remains down the road.
Post # 9
He’s your ex for a reason. Don’t let old failed past baggage keep you from something that could really work. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Post # 10
justinsgirl2016: SunnierDaysAhead: Thank you ladies for great advice!
juliette.eliza: I really appreciate your response, thank you! I think logically I knew the answer but emotionally it’s hard to hurt someone you really care about and I wish there was some magic way for it to all work out. But I made some mistakes handling all this along the way so I must face the music. Thank you all for helping me sort my thoughts.
Post # 11
I’m in agreement with the others that the visit should probably be cancelled. However, since you didn’t let your ex know that someone else was in the picture before he decided to come out, you need to reimburse him for his ticket, not just tell him to cancel it. He’d have never bought it without your encouragement and now he’s out the cash, most likely. Not fair, if you see what I mean.
I was in a similar, but opposite situation. I had just planned a trip west to meet a guy I’d been talking to online when I met another guy in a hobby I had. The new guy seemed nice and he asked me out. My answer was approximately: “I’m about to go meet someone and I’m pretty excited about it. Since I don’t know him yet though, it could utterly fail. I’ll let you know how things turn out when I’m back.” I don’t feel like holding back on vital information like that is fair to either party. As it happened, almost 9 years later I married the guy from the LDR and am still friends with the hobby guy. You just never know but I’m glad I was open about it from the start and I think you might be more comfortable if you are as well.
Post # 12
skunktastic: That was the issue, the new guy WASN’T in the picture when my ex booked the ticket. Which is why I said I should have told the new guy what was up when we met. So I do realize the mistakes that were made and that’s why I was having trouble figuring out what to do now.