(Closed) Need advice, I'm sure some of you have felt this way

posted 3 years ago in Babies
Post # 2
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee

How old are you? Why cant you two marry sooner?? How long have you two been together? Where are you two financially. There’s so many factors going into having a child when you’re planning for one.

Post # 4
Member
3740 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

You want a kid but can’t pay for a wedding yourself and your Fiance has a crappy job? Sounds like a great plan :-/ 

Post # 5
Member
2123 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Hello!

We’re in a similar position but haven’t planned a wedding yet. Actually we’re not engaged yet! We are however prioritising starting a family over getting married. We’re going to start trying to conceive before booking a wedding date. Of course it may not be straight forward and we may not conceive easily, if at all. That’s what you need to consider. You could start trying to conceive now, but what if it doesn’t happen for 6 months? Or would you like to try for the next three months and if it doesn’t happen, put it off until after the wedding? Would you consider moving the wedding date if you do fall pregnant? Would you be happy to get married whilst being pregnant, perhaps whilst being heavily pregnant? Lots of things to consider!

ETA I just read your updated. Doesn’t sound like you’re in a very good position to have a child. I suggest you wait until you’re married and have better jobs.

Post # 8
Member
1011 posts
Bumble bee

FutureMrsBex:  I have to agree with this. If he has a sucky job, you aren’t married, your parents are paying for everything, what happens if you decide to have a baby and end up having issues? Bed rest for the entire pregnancy? A complicated delivery? 

AND, while I know its your decision, what is your parents opinion? You say they’re helping you pay for everything, but they could decide “if they can afford a baby, they can afford a wedding” and back out on their offer, and now you’ll have a wedding to pay for as well. 

Question, in your post you kept saying “I” as in “I can have a baby whenever I want” “I kind of want to have one now” and at the beginning it was “My Fiance and I have decided when to start trying”. What does he say about all this? Because granted, while it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, what he does is important. And maybe he’s fine with it and you just haven’t said that, but I don’t see an issue with waiting, having the long engagement you want and saving up money, get married, and then having the baby. 

Post # 10
Member
3611 posts
Sugar bee

It’s not fair to bring a child into the world when you have very little money and an insecure job situation. It’s not about your wants in this case, it’s about what’s best for your child. You’re plenty young, wait for a few years and do everything in its right time.

Post # 11
Member
1112 posts
Bumble bee

disneychick4ever:  I think you should wait until you are married for 3 reasons. 

1. It doesn’t sound like you are financially stable. 

2. You said that you believe in getting married first, then having children. So why would you choose to have a baby out of wedlock if you don’t believe in it?

3. You don’t know how long it will take to concieve. It may take quite a few months to be successful, and you could be just a few weeks or months post-partum at your wedding. I don’t imagine that the stress of an upcoming wedding mixed with having a newborn and post-pardum issues would be a great combination. Especially since there are financial issues to contend with as well. It sounds like a recipe for disaster and unnecessary stress.

Post # 12
Member
2600 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

…why do you want to have a child so badly, right now? I could understand if you were say, 42 and worried about fertility, but you’re 25, and you’ll be 26/27 after marriage–hardly “advanced maternal age” in the fertility world. 

Also, what kind of life do you and your Fiance envision–what kind of careers do you guys want, where would you like to live, what kind of lifestyle do you want? You don’t have to answer any of these directly, but I’m mentioning these questions because “having a baby” is NOT a life goal. It is a life-changing event and being a parent is a role that is incredibly meaningful to a great many people, but I wouldn’t classify having a baby as a real ambition in life, and it IS rather the sort of thing that will affect and alter and complicate your actual ambitions. I would encourage you to think and clearly articulate for yourself what those ambitions are outside of having a baby before making a decision as to whether this is a good time for you to have one. 

Post # 13
Member
422 posts
Helper bee

Money concerns aside, how is your life going in terms of other stressors? Is wedding planning driving you nuts, are you dealing with any health concerns, etc.? Those are also major things to consider. They say there’s never a “perfect” time to have a baby, but if you feel financially, physically, and emotionally secure right now, then you’re in pretty good shape. Another thing to consider is legal benefits of being married– those might also affect your decision of whether to have a kid now or after the wedding, regardless of other factors.

Post # 14
Member
1287 posts
Bumble bee

disneychick4ever:  it’s ok to want to have a baby. Totally understandable. But you asked if you should have a baby and I think overall, no. Just because other people who have no money have babies mean it’s a good excuse for you to do so. I get your parents want to help you pay for the wedding, so my next question is if they didn’t, could you guys afford to get married on your own? And your fiance, his job sucks, what about yours? Do you have benefits? Healthcare? Savings? So many unexpected things can happen when having a child. Just because you want something right now doesn’t mean you should have one right now. Think about your future child and what is best for he/she. Not saying you have to be rich to only have a child, but think about the importance of the child to be raised in a secure home.

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