- 6 years ago
- Wedding: December 2014
I’m sure I’m not the only one that feels communication is one of the top 5 (maybe even Top 3!) “must haves” in a relationship. I think I’ve hit a roadblock with Fiance and I just don’t know what to do about it.
Our arguments are few and far between, but they do happen. We’ve been engaged for almost a year with no date set. We are both in our early 40’s and have been married before so we saw no rush in getting to the altar. That was the exact reason I would give when folks would ask the “When’s the wedding?” question because that’s what we’ve always said to each other.
But a fire had started inside of me and the urge to start planning and saving for our wedding has hit! I suddenly got excited to pick a date so I wrote Fiance a cute email yesterday asking him if he was cool with picking a date, etc.
I got to his house last night when he tells me that he is certain that he told me that us getting married depends on whether or not he is comfortable with his retirement finances. He said that sure, we could pick a date in 2014 (the year was my idea from my original email), but he couldn’t guarantee that it would happen. I told him I didn’t want to pick a fake date just to tell people we had a date set. He said he wants to feel comfortable that he’ll hit a certain dollar amount for retirement before he gets married. We live in a very expensive area and he even went so far as to tell me that we likely won’t even live together while we are living in this area because he refuses to pay a large rent for a house. I reminded him that it would be an expense that we would split and between the both of us now, we pay $3500/month in rent already for our two separate places. We likely wouldn’t pay much more for a small house. Then he starts talking about yearly rental increases. That is stuff he deals with anyway.
He goes off on small tangents during this disagreement. I’m trying to stay calm because he has a very short temper and gets upset/frustrated very easily. Whenever he said something that I disagreed with his response was “Don’t argue with me!” even though I never raised my voice or got aggressive. I’ve learned how to handle him in that I have to stay calm. Very calm. The moment I start to get heated, it raises his level up 10 notches. So I’m trying to understand what he’s saying and he’s just not helping me understand. He is also trying to buy a home in another state for us to eventually live in one day. That one day is far away as he has a small child in this area and I know he would not move that far away from him. He says he would, but I know he wouldn’t. So I say to him, “So basically you’re saying that as long as we’re living in our city, we’re not getting married unless we are moving to the new house in the other state.” He doesn’t answer me and just goes back and says, “if you want to pick a date to tell people go ahead, but I’m not guaranteeing it’s going to happen on that day.”
Then he starts talking about his ex-wife and how I’m starting to act a little bit like her (PURE insult, by the way). Then he starts to tell me how unappreciative I am and that I’m just like everyone else that lives in this area. “Everything is always about you, you, you. You never say thank you for all the stuff I’m doing for YOU!” Which is not true, by the way.
I know this is all over the board, but I’m telling you, this is how the “fight” went down. Keep in mind that this whole time I’m CALM. I’m not sounding frustrated or aggravated. Only he is. I’m crying here and there. Then he tells me the ONLY reason why he lives in this specific city (his son only lives like 9 miles away) is because I live there and I’m so selfish that I don’t even thank him for that. I tell him that I wasn’t aware that *I* was the ONLY reason he was living in this city. That frustrated the hell out of him and then he talks to me like he talks to his 7 year old kid and says, “Don’t say another word. Just leave. DO NOT say other word. Just go.” So I grabbed my phone and my keys and I left. This was about 6:30pm last night and I’ve still not heard from him.
I have a mouthful of stuff that I want to say and questions that I’d like answered, but he won’t let me. If I had stayed and started talking last night it would have just blown up and we wouldn’t have accomplished anything. The thing is, even if I bring it up again, it’ll end the same way. If I don’t see it his way, I’m wrong. Period.
How can I go through the rest of my life with someone that doesn’t value how I feel or what I have to say? Disagreements WILL come up in the future and if this is how it’s going to be, I just don’t know what to do about it. L
Would this kind of situation be a deal breaker for you? The rest of our relationship is good, or so I thought. We laugh, we have fun, I smile when I think about him, but it’s these fights I can’t handle. Am I crazy to think it’s not fair that he doesn’t let me voice my thoughts/ feelings / questions?
I’m so sorry for the long vent. I just don’t know what to do. I’m sitting here at work literally on the verge of tears everytime I think about it or someone asks me what’s wrong and I think it’s BS that I can’t just go to him w/o him getting all angry and frustrated. 🙁