(Closed) Need advice – is good communication a dealbreaker in your relationship? (Long)

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@Spesh2012:  I could have written this post myself. My ex fiancée was a super nice person but he could not make a decision about anything. Every time I would ask him specifics about things he would claim I did not appreciate everything he did for me. He would just worry himself to death about nothing and it pissed me off. He did set a date but again I never felt totally comfortable with him WANTING to get married on that date. So I broke off the engagement and moved 300 miles away.

The guy that I am currently dating is short tempered and it freaks me out a little. He’s not violent or abusive…he’s just a little too damn loud. He also cuts me off when I’m speaking and says “let it go.” I think that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, I’m an adult, don’t shhh me! If I get frustrated he takes it to a level 10 argument. I usually laugh and leave. 

At this point, I have considered it a deal breaker. I have to be able to communicate with my husband effectively.

 

Post # 4
Member
5075 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

I’m not sure that “lack of communication” is the problem here

Post # 7
Member
5075 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2012

@Spesh2012:  I’m not seeing a lack of communication.  I’m seeing a lack of respect  

Post # 8
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

How do I say this without sounding like an ass? 

He sounds like an ass.

If you can’t have respectful disagreements – or, heck, even just respectful difficult conversations – with the person you want to marry, this does not bode well for anything else difficult that might come up in the course of your relationship. This is a serious warning sign that this man does not know how to compromise, put your needs before his, maturely and rationally voice his opinions, etc etc etc. 

I would not even consider marrying this man.

Post # 11
Member
9672 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Spesh2012:   His way of treating you sounds disrespectful.  From what you posted that would be close to a dealbreaker for me. 

He could be a poor communicator in general.  He could be having serious doubts about getting married again.  He could have serious financial issues he’s trying to resolve.  Or he could be using that as an excuse to delay setting a wedding date.

However, if someone told me “do not say another word” and “leave” it would be a very long while before they heard from me ever again, I don’t care who they were.

The issue isn’t that you haven’t heard back from him, the issue is he should be shaking in his boots and sweating up a storm right now worried he will never hear from you again.

He was rude  to you.  You shouldn’t have to put up with that.  That’s not how to treat someone you love.

Post # 12
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@Spesh2012:  I don’t take that crap! I told him if you’re still “upset” then cool off before calling me. He got over his issues really fast and has lowered his voice because I would just hang up or get my keys and leave in the middle of his childish fit.  

Post # 13
Member
334 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

OP, I find it problematic that he tells you not to argue with him if you attempt to share an opposing view. But I find it even more worrisome that he says “Trust me, just stop talking.” You should never, ever be threatened in your relationship, whether or not you believe it is an empty threat.

Post # 14
Member
3220 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Yeah, I’m with PPs.  I think he is patronizing and disrespectful. Communication is crucial for me, but you can’t have good communication until he treats you like an equal.  He’s so focused on telling you that you’re selfish that he’s not listening to what you’re saying or trying to compromise.  (The easiest way to get out of compromising with someone is to turn it on them and tell them they always get what they want… he’s just making you feel bad so he doesn’t have to meet you halfway.)

If someone said all of that to me, I couldn’t marry them.  I’d probably give them one warning, but I would never want to be with someone who treated me like a child.

Post # 15
Member
2104 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

Lack of communication = Exceptional douchary. Same thing.

Would this be a deal breaker for me? Yes. Your dude sounds like a condescending, misogynist ass to me, based on the information you shared here.

Post # 16
Member
1141 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

To not allow you to voice your feelings and to treat you like a child instead of the woman he loves is a deal breaker for me. What’s next sending you to your room. This will only continue if you allow it to. Tell him he has some work to do otherwise how could you marry a man who does not care how you feel or to hear how you feel. At the very least I would insist on couples counciling. You shouldn’t have to learn how to “handle” him.

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