Post # 1
First major argument,
I don’t know if I’m overreacting but I’m upset. My husband and I have been married for 4 months. Of course everything is great and like a honeymoon when we see each other except for some minor things ( like how incredibly messy he is) but thats no big deal.
He has always had close female friends – we NEVER argued about that before, it never bothered me in principle but things have come up recently. He has a female friend who he has known for several years. In general I have no problem with her. I met her, at first she was not very nice to me but I dealt with it. When we got married and she continued to be rude I told him that if she cannot be nice to me, he doesn’t need to be friends with her, because I am his wife and she has no reason to dislike me. So suddenly she started to be nice to me, which is fine. Therefore, I have no problem with him hanging out with her.
Fast forward to the past couple of weeks. He visits, his phone rings. for some reason he says- go ahead and look at it I know you want to, he was joking. I really wasn’t even thinking about looking at his phone, but I pick it up to look, and I realize going through the calls, that he talks to this girl that he is friends with, several times a week, even several times a day..more than he talks to me sometimes. I bring this up to find out what is going on there. He says that he talks to her and often hangs out with her and doesn’t tell me because he “doesn’t want to hear it because nothing is going on”. So I could be talking to him and he says oh im going so and so, and he just leaves out that hes going with her. What INFURIATES me, is not that he is hanging out with her and talking to her several times a day, but that he feels like he has to lie to me about it. He said hes sorry, but it was a sorry to shut me up, not because hes really sorry. Furthermore, he said he doesn’t like to talk to me sometimes because I stress him out…I feel like this is such a bad sign so early in the marriage. I don’t even want to go out there for my next visit, I just want to visit my sister..what do I do?
Post # 3
It sounds like you guys don’t live together, can I ask why? I agree that he should not be lying or omitting who he is hanging out with. I also wonder if you have any plans to live in the same house anytime soon? I know many married couples don’t live together due to school, career, etc. but I really feel this is part of the issue. If you were living together, I assume this never would have became a problem as you would hang out together so he could not have these sort of secrets. Talk to him, let him know you are okay with him spending time with her and let him know he does not need to hide it so that you can move forward.
Post # 4
I’m confused, do you not live near your husband? You keep talking about going out there to visit…
But anyway, I think him lying to you about this girl is completely unacceptable. You two need to have a talk and tell him that if he is going to be friends with her, he needs to be honest with you about it. Why does he say that you ‘stress him out’? Overall, the two of you need to have a serious conversation about your relationship.
Post # 5
That is crazy. I think the dishonesty would really hurt me the most.
Post # 6
I think you guys need to talk when everybody is calm and not on the defensive. The fact that he wasn’t open with how often he was hanging out with her would really bother me–it’s one thing to have a female friend you hang out with and/or are close to, it’s another to leave your wife in the dark.
Post # 7
yes, sorry to leave that out we are long distance for now, We are moving in together in about 6 months, apart due to work
Post # 8
I would sit down with him and figure out what’s going on. Trust is key in marriage and if he’s lying to you, that is going to obviously make you feel like you cannot trust him.
Post # 9
Just to make a separation between the things you’re ok with and the things you’re no ok with… You have no problem with him having female friends and hanging out with them. You do have a problem with him lying to you about anything, be it related to his friends or not. I’m guessing you also aren’t too happy with him wanting to spend more time with someone else than with you. Hopefully I have that right?
What you should probably make straight with your husband is that as his wife, you are now his number one. That’s the vow he made to you, and he needs to live up to that vow. He doesn’t have to cut off all ties with his friends and former life, but he does need to live like you’re now the most important person to him, foresaking all else.
Living apart isn’t exactly helping the situation, since it probably doesn’t “feel” like you’re married if you’re not living together. This distinction normally has a greater impact on the husband, since in general, men feel attachment physically whereas women feel attachment emotionally. Being physically apart probably makes you ask what he’s doing a lot more, not because you’re jealous or dictating, but just because you want to have an emotionally close and open relationship with your number one.
When you visit each other, do you both put down whatever you’re doing to dedicate 100% of your attention to the other person? Does he answer phone calls from his friends while he’s around you? Do you do the same? I think if you make the “outside” effort to dedicate yourselves, it will help to strengthen the “inside” bond you have as husband and wife.
Ok I hope all that didn’t come across as psycho-babble. Best of luck anyway hun! Really try to understand his point of view, and maybe you’ll come to learn why you “stress him out” and start to have a more harmonious relationship. Hang in there until you’re living together!
Post # 10
Fwiw, I’d go to marriagebuilders.com . Great site! Saved the marriage of a few friends of mine btw. My buddies the encore couple, actually remarried courtesy of the help there.
Learn the principles, and TALK to your H about what is going on. It is NOT ok to have secret female friends. Secrets and omissions are not friends to the marriage. There is something called an emotional affair that can sometimes happen, but usually can lead to a real full blown affair.
Get some advice there and maybe talk to your H. Where there’s smoke there can be fire.
Best wishes. Not living together imho could make it seem he still has the life of a pseudo-single guy you know. He has to learn boundaries in marriage.
Post # 11
I agree that this would cause concern for me.
I think you should maybe look into the book, “How to affair proof your marriage”. We read it at the recommendation of our paster as part of our wedding counseling. It has some really good points that talk about why good honest people cheat. It talks about how its human nature to fulfill your own needs and if your spouse isn’t fullfilling your needs, you will naturally go somewhere else to fill that need. The book then talks about how to identify what the needs of your spouse are and how to fullfill them.
I’m not saying your husband has a thing for this friend or that their relationship is bad, but I agree with you that it is cause for concern. Why is he talking to her more than he is talking to you? Why does he feel stressed when talking to you? Things like that need to be addressed before it turns into a big issue.
Best wishes and hopefully living close to each other again in 6 months will help things.