(Closed) Need advice!! (Mother-in-law)

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

I understand where you are coming from, but I also understand where your Mother-In-Law is coming from. As much as it hurts, you married a man who has a child with another woman.  As long as that child is in your life, she will be as well. I think its great that everyone can get along for the sake of the child. I think your husband needs to sit down with his ex and set some boundaries with her.  But I wouldn’t expect your Mother-In-Law to change

I also agree that making custody an issue before the wedding was not ideal, but its actually for your husbands protection. Since there wasn’t a formal agreement through the courts in place, his ex could have taken that kid and never let him see his son again. Now, he won’t have to worry about that. I think while the timing wasn’t great, the ex actually did him a favor by making him do this.

I know its difficult, but you have to accept it for what it is, and learn to deal with it

Post # 5
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

 

@MrsSl82be: I think you hit the nail on the head. 

This woman is a part of your and everybody else’s life, and your Mother-In-Law is doing the best she can with that.  Also, I don’t think that the only thing she has done is make your life uncomfortable – she has obviously also given your husband a child, and allowed that child to stay a real part of his family.  You Mother-In-Law likely just wants to keep everything cordial and continue to see and feel connected to your step-son. 

I would try to get past this – it is an awkward and difficult situation for all of you, I’m sure, but you all have a responsibility to the child to make things as comfortable as possible. 

Post # 7
Member
46421 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think that you just need to learn to deal with the situation as  you are never going to change it. I am still very close to my ex in-laws. ( I call them my outlaws). They are still my children’s grandparents. We exchange letters, gifts and phone calls. My ex is re-married. ( She had nothing to do with our divorce either).

Wouldn’t you really rather that the relationship was friendly, for the child’s sake, instead of merely polite? Children will always know when their is tension or hostility. I urge you not to be the cause of it.

Post # 8
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@julies1949: my Father-In-Law calls his ex’s family outlaws too! He sees them more than she does…

Post # 9
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@buzzingbride7: What about it makes you uncomfortable?? DOes your Mother-In-Law know this?

Post # 10
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I think you need to stop viewing it as your Mother-In-Law ‘taking sides’ with your DH’s ex. She will always be in your DH’s life, there is nothing you can do to change it. So it’s best to make things cordial. YOu don’t have to have her over for dinner or anything, but you should try to respect the fact that people like your Mother-In-Law will be maybe more than polite to her.

There is a lot of divorce in my family and I actually have two half siblings so I’ve seen things work and fail miserably when it comes to the ex’s getting along. It always works best when the person in your situation (current wife or husband) bites the bullet and keeps kind of an open mind about having the ex around. You may not enjoy your time with her, but try your best to be cordial or at least remain low key about the visits. As long as your Darling Husband recognizes and appreciates the effort you are making, then you’re golden.

Post # 11
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@moderndaisy: this!

I am fortunate enough that I never had to deal with blended families growing up because my parents are still married. I also made it a point to never date someone who had a child, because I myself don’t want children, and also don’t want to have to deal with someone else’s child. This was my personal choice, and I’m glad every day that I made it a requirement for dating someone

Post # 13
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

Honestly, I think your mother in law has every right to try and maintain a good relationship with her son’s ex. As a grandparent, she really has no rights regarding the child, and it sounds like she’s afraid that her son’s ex will cut her off from seeing her grandchild if she upsets the woman.

Whatever is going on between you and your Fiance and your FI’s ex, I suggest you leave your Future Mother-In-Law out of it and let her do what she needs to do in order to maintain a relationship with her grandson. Making her choose between you and him (which is what you’re doing if you insist on dragging her into your dispute) would only end badly for you, and it’s not very nice.

Post # 14
Member
173 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

@buzzingbride7: This will be unpopular I’m sure but it sounds like you’re jealous that your Mother-In-Law is doting on the baby’s mother.

“My Mother-In-Law and my step-sons mom do not need to text one another and exchange gifts. I don’t think that’s necessary at all.”

I can understand it as a human reaction but honestly I think that you are going to be the cause of a lot of drama in that family if you keep making an issue of it. As long as your Mother-In-Law isn’t mistreating you and favoring her then I would try my best to bite my tongue and leave it be.

Post # 15
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@buzzingbride7:

And reading the post just above mine, I think your Future Mother-In-Law probably is making the right call–if your FI’s ex already tried to take custody from your Fiance because “she was tired of dealing with him” it’s in your FMIL’s best interest not to be someone that your FI’s ex gets “tired of dealing with.” Not if she wants to see her grandson.

Your FI’s ex doesn’t sound like a very nice woman, but don’t take that out on your Future Mother-In-Law. She’s in a bad spot too.

Post # 16
Member
7431 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2009

@Elvis: THIS, I think this is why your Mother-In-Law is acting the way she does. She will do anything for her grandson, even if it means being friends with his mom, when she has been less than cordial to her son.

Have you discussed your feelings with your husband?

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