Post # 1
I have a few things going on that I would like some advice with.. I have spoken with a couple trusted people and will be going to a therapist soon, however, I would like some outside thoughts.
The first thing is that I recently found out that my Fiance is an addict and has been for the past few years. We have been together a few years before it all started so it is relatively new development. It all came out the blue and I feel stupid every day for not realizing what was going on. We live together but don’t share finances so that was how it was hidden from me.
We decided to put a pause on planning a wedding since we need to figure this out. We have a good support system and his is taking all of the steps suggested to him by an addictions counsellor. My issue is I don’t know if we should still get married next year or put it off indefinitely. He wants to move forward with it but I can’t trust him right now.
I guess I just want to know how I can put this on hold without everyone asking what is going on. We haven’t sent out anything with a date but most of our close family and friends know that we put down deposits for a certain date. I am wondering also if I should cancel the vendors now or wait. I feel like if we still have things booked then it doesn’t really feel like the wedding is off or paused or whatever.
Sorry if this is a big mess I just want to know what any of you would do in this situation.
Post # 2
I would cancel the vendors. If you do it far enough in advance you have a higher chance of getting your deposits back.
The reason I suggest this is because as lig as you have vendors booked for a date you will feel pressured to have the wedding. I’m not saying don’t marry him, I’m saying make sure you can make the right decision for you without unnecessary worries.
I grew up with an addict for a father, it wasn’t easy for me, my brothers or my mom. You deserve to know exactly what your in for so take all the time you need and wait to see how your partner does.
FWIW it took my dad 5 stints in rehab before he was truly in recovery, addiction is a terrible illness.
Post # 3
If you aren’t ready to trust him, all wedding plans would be off. How many people knew you had a date in mind? I would try and pass the word that you decided you needed longer to prepare so you’re going to wait a bit more. I would cancel bookings and focus on what needs done now. Sorry you’re going through this!
Post # 4
Addiction is messy and recovery is messy.
Cancel everything. You can’t put a deadline on the recovery process and neither of you can really get to where you need to be to cope with this in a healthy manner if it is all about making things better for the wedding. The general rule of thumb on dating while in early recovery is one year before staring to date again. I would apply that logic to your existing relationship and make no drastic changes, such as getting married, to it for one year. That means maybe discuss marriage and pick up wedding planning once he reaches one year sober, or longer if necessary, not keep wedding planning hoping he’ll stay sober to get married at the one year mark. Planning for marriage in and of itself can be stressful and require a tremendous amount of disclosure and compromise (such as finances, the very thing he hid from you to foster his addiction in the first place). He has to learn to live in his current reality sober first- whatever his drug of choice may be – before making drastic changes to that reality.
Post # 5
If you cannot trust him for the time being then you need to postpone everything including vendors. The recovery process is a deep and winding road. It won’t be a walk in the park for either of you and a wedding will just put more pressure on him which could ultimately lead to failure. It would be like setting a due date for his mental health (big no no). Most addiction counselling programs offer -/+12 step programs but he may need to complete the program several times before he can stay sober. My brother who was an alcoholic and addicted to methamphetamine, has completed six different programs and is currently working on another despite being completely sober for almost 4 years. My advice also depends on what he was addicted to. Someone who is addicted to alcohol or opioids may need medically weened to get the gunk out of their system completely before engaging in any assistance programs.
As far as letting family know, it’s really none of their business. I would simply say that you have decided to postpone the wedding for the time being due to multiple reasons and will start things back up again when everything has settled.
Post # 6
Honestly, it depends on his drug of choice, attitude towards his addiction, and desire to get clean or if he is being forced into it.
I would indefinitely cancel everything and take a break from him as he tries to rebuild his life. How well do you think you know him if he was able to hide this part of himself for so long? Multiple years of hiding his addiction means you don’t even really know him apart from his addiction. Is this really who you want to marry?
Post # 7
IMO this is a hard road to navigate. First I applaud you for deciding to get some help and outside advice.
I hate to be so blunt but he has been effectively lying to you for years, covering up his actions and manipulating you. This is all very sneaky and clearly shows that he cannot be trusted. I understand that addiction is a difficult thing and he felt like he had no choice but to lie to you so that you would stay with him but think about what turmoil you are now in because of him.
I know what it is like to be lied to for year regarding drug use. My ex was a liar and sneaking around doing drugs for years before I figured it out. When I did figure it out I was completely blindsided, angry and I realized that I could never really trust him. It’s one thing to do hard drugs (his case it was prescription pills and coke) it’s a whole other thing to lie to someone for years. And for him it was a frequent thing. Also when I found out I felt like a complete asshole because it seemed like everyone around me knew about it except for me! What a fucked up way to feel!
So with that said, I think you need to indefinitely cancel the wedding. Until he is able to prove to you that he is clean and can be trusted and hasn’t lied to you, that’s when you can move forward with him. You need to draw some hard lines. He screwed up and yes he needs help and is vulnerable but you need to also worry about yourself now.
Post # 8
Considering he’s been hiding for years that he’s an addict, I would 100% backburner any wedding plans. If he could hide something that huge there is no telling what else you’ll soon find out about that he’s also been hiding.
Post # 9
Never criticize or blame yourself for an addicts’ deception. You’re not stupid. Addicts are the most skillful kind of liars and they are extremely selfish! They are emotional vampires and master manipulators. Get out now and don’t look back. I know that sounds harsh but keeping that from you is just as bad a cheating on you because the trust is broken and his lifestyle choices are, believe it or not, putting you in danger as well. If you marry this guy, his finances will be your problem one day and your money could also be splurged on his addiction… not to mention, depending on how bad the problem is, you could risk being in trouble with the law yourself at some point because of his foolishness. It’s good that he’s seeking help, but you are taking a huge gamble with your life by staying with him. I’m not saying that addicts aren’t capable of change but, a lot of the time, that’s the exception and not the rule. It’s good you found out about this before you married him. Sorry you’re going through this. Hugs to you… and take care of yourself.
Post # 10
Personally this would be a unilateral dealbreaker for me, so I’d not only cancel the wedding but part ways immediately. I grew up with alcoholics and drug users, and it was pretty awful. As an adult, I get to choose who is in my life and I would never knowingly choose to stay with or be with an addict of any kind. I’d think especially hard about whether you want to stay with him if you are considering children (not only because of his behavior around them but also because addictive tendencies are often inherited), but regardless, think long and hard about whether this is a road you want to go down.
I know firsthand that addicts are often lovable, charming, hilarious, sensitive, caring people – but the dark side of addiction is just too dark, painful, and traumatic to be worth it. On top of that, you have someone who hid his addiction for years, which only makes matters harder to forgive and move on from IMO. I’m not saying people like this don’t deserve love – but I protect my own heart and sanity first and foremost, and so addiction is a nonnegotiable for me. I spent the first 18 years of my life unwillingly around addiction, and I’d never choose to relive that.
If I were you I’d cancel all vendors immediately and move on.
Post # 11
My husband is a recovering alcoholic, so I’ll give you what advice I can to help you in this process based on what I know recovery looks like.
It’s hard. Recovery always comes with relapses and you can: A) Leave when a relapse occurs B) Stand by him or C) Enable him
Each choice is hard to make. I didn’t leave when there was a relapse and for a long time I enabled my partner because I didn’t know what else to do until it broke me. There was no trust, I was anxious and life just wasn’t fun. Ultimately, he has to be the one to decide he wants to get sober and stay sober. You cannot make him do this. You can tell him how these actions have made you feel and your feelings but he has to take them and process how he wants to change and either he will want to work on this with you or his addiction is going to take over.
Standing by your spouse, which is what I ultimately ended up doing is really, really hard. I was married to my husband when his addiction hit its peak so I couldn’t just walk away without legal measures being taken. It took 2 years of wanting to get sober and many relapses before he finally got it together. He’s 1.5 years sober now and some days are still hard as hell. So hard.
If we were just engaged when this happened, I would have cancelled the wedding and who knows if we would have actually wed. I would cancel and start the process to recovery with him and see how it goes and if you can handle it and if he is serious. This is a long and winding road.
Post # 12
OP, how did you find out?
If I was you.. Knowing he lied to me for years would be a full stop dealbreaker. That’s completely unacceptable. For me the trust of being lied to for so long would shatter any ability for trust to be regained. I understand it’s an illness and that it makes people do terrible things, including chronically lying. But .. nope. I wouldn’t sign up for that. I’d be counting my lucky stars i found out now before I brought children into the world with an addict in the house. I’m sorry, bee. Definitely go to that therapy to help YOU recover from such news.
ETA: I read this under the assumption of worst case scenario.. since you didn’t share what the addiction is to. I assume something like meth, heroine, (hard drugs). But hey for all I know you mean gambling, porn or sex addiction? Maybe I should’ve known the specific addiction before answering.
Post # 13
Think about it this way–your Fiance actively and intentionally hid who he is from you. Right now you don’t actually know who he is, what he is capable of or what a future with him may be–in many ways you are back to square one with a stranger, even when he feels so familiar.
Cancel everything. Give yourself the space you need to work through this without that deadline looming so close in the future.
ETA: As far as what to tell your family/friends–tell those that aren’t close enough to know the truth that there was an issue with the date or venue–you don’t have to elaborate. As much as you may wish to protect your Fiance and keep this information private do yourself a favor and confide in someone. You don’t have to provide every sordid detail but you do and will need support to work through this however things end up. I hope you are seeking out individual therapy. Hugs.
Post # 14
You both need to figure everything out. Since you just out about the addiction, you guys need to have a plan on that. Also you do not trust him and he hid this from you. How can you trust him if you have been with him for several years and did not tell you? Need to figure out if you and him still have a future together before continuing with the wedding planning.
So cancel everything